Space…I am not talking about the final frontier that Captain Kirk was talking about. I want to talk about giving each other space in your relationship.

When you are new-in-love all you want to do is BE with that wonderful other person. You want to spend every moment with them; talking, touching, exploring, learning. But after a while we all need some space.

When Ole and I were married, I was 35 years old and had been living my life on my terms. I had no one to answer to or ask anything of. I did what I did when I wanted and that was that.

After we were married, we spent a LOT of time together. I loved it. I LOVED being with Ole. But the adjustment was hard on me in the fact that I had no space just for me. I mean time where I could go downtown and look around. Time I could spend looking at books in the book store. Time getting a pedicure or facial or whatever else I used to do on my own.

I just wanted a couple hours a week to be me and do the things I wanted to do without having to think about someone else and what they wanted to do. Does this make sense to you?

When I would tell Ole that I wanted this space to just recharge my batteries, he took it personal and would get very sad because he thought I didn’t want to be with him. That I really wanted to be alone. Which was not true.

It didn’t help that our first year of marriage was tough. Ole was in a new country and me being his only contact in that newness. And here I am telling him I want space. As well we were learning to live together and how we both fit into the other’s ideas of life, love and marriage.

During our exploration in our first year of finding a better way to live and grow our love, I found the space I was looking for. I could take an hour and go into the city and shop for clothes. Ole was never thrilled to do that anyway so it worked for both of us.

More times than not, I came home without any bags and purchases. He would be surprised because he thought my mission was to buy clothes. Not really. My mission was to recharge my batteries and make a little space for myself.

And more times than not, if I did buy something it was for him. I wanted to show him I appreciated the space in our relationship. Maybe that is not exactly what I said but that is what I meant when I gave him his ‘staying home’ gift.

There were times when Ole and I would go to the bookstore together and I still found my own space. He looked at what he was interested in and I did my thing. We were together at the store but giving each other the space we needed to regroup, recharge and explore on our own.

When you find that space to explore on your own, you come back to your partner and your relationship with something new. You have a new topic to discuss or explore together.

By enjoying, exploring and searching life on your own time and terms, you help your partner, yourself and the relationship grow to new heights and levels. When you stay stagnant and never discuss new topics, things get old pretty fast which can take a relationship down a really dark alley.

Space is very important in a relationship. If you are in constant contact and in each other’s space 24/7, one or both of you can begin to feel smothered, mothered, policed, controlled. Now that is getting into the negative emotions but it is possible.

Some people are afraid to give their partner space because it may give them the opportunity to find someone better. It may give them the opportunity to develop them self beyond the relationship. It may give them the opportunity to think their own thoughts and perhaps leave the relationship.

There is that old saying about setting something free and if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was. In some ways I think that is true in couples also. Being in a realtionship does not put you or your partner in a cage.

I have never been a believer in the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It can work the other way around and make the heart forget. But a little space between can be so sweet.

Give your partner and yourself the gift of space. Allow each other the space to recharge to be a better half of the couple.

Space…is it really the final frontier? No, just another piece of the puzzle.

Passionate regards….Brenda

May, 2005

January 15th, as of 2pm Copenhagen time, I have been without my husband, the love of my life, for 4 years. I took our dogs for a walk and was thinking about Ole and how I used to get on his case about such Stupid Little Things. What I wouldn’t give to have those 30 seconds of dumb, twisted anger to hold him and kiss him and flood his heart with all the love I have in me for him.

We listened to so many ‘experts’ on so many topics. They said, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff.’ I heard it but didn’t live it. I would give all of my tomorrows for just five minutes with Ole. I miss the sound of his voice, the way he walked, the touch of his hand on mine and the softness of his kiss. I miss touching his hair and beard, stroking his back and snuggling with him in bed.

Back to my walk with our girls…

I was thinking about the Stupid Little Things that I got upset about. Things that don’t make any difference in the whole scheme of my life. But I wasted that 30 seconds or 3 minutes of being grumpy. I would give everything to take back that time just to hold him and tell him ‘I love you.’

Then I got to thinking that there are other people that do this too. We had couples talk to us about the little things and how crazy mad they would get at their partner for them. Then I thought that I have to share this with everyone. It is important.

Some of the Stupid Little Things that were brought up were:

• not wiping off the counter when they were done making a sandwich
• leaving their clothes on the floor
• leaving the toilet seat up (classic complaint)
• not cleaning the house
• chewing with their mouth open (one of mine!)
• driving too fast
• driving too slow
• don’t want to go out to visit friend’s

The list could go on but this was just a few I could recall and use from my own list. I can imagine that for some people they are big issues but are they really? When I look back at some of the things I would yell at Ole about, I just cringe in shame. They were just Stupid Little Things.

It is all about perception and how you see the situation. I can hear you already, protesting and saying these things are important. Maybe you are right. Maybe they are important to you today but maybe next week you won’t even flinch if the seat is up when you go in the bathroom.

My point is, Stupid Little Things take up a lot of precious time. Time you could be loving each other. Time you could be kissing or making love. Time you could be talking instead of being angry and yelling.

Time you will never get back!

Our time is the most valuable thing we have. Ole always told me that. Maybe some place inside he knew that his time in this life was so short. I don’t know. I DO know that I can never get back the time I spent being angry over Stupid Little Things. That makes me so very sad.

When you want to react to one of your Stupid Little Things triggers, ask yourself if your life was threatened by this Stupid Little Thing. Ask yourself, that if your lover was to die tomorrow, would you feel guilty about yelling at them over this Stupid Little Thing? Ask yourself, that if you were to die tomorrow, is this the most recent memory you would want for them? Let them live with the guilt of this Stupid Little Thing?

Time is our most valuable asset.

We all only get so many minutes in our adventurous, little life. We aren’t sure how many or when our clock will stop. But we can decide to value the time we have. That means use our time to bring more love into our lives and those around us. And if you really want to have an adventure, bring more love into the world.

Use your time wisely and with love. You will be happier for it!

Passionate regards….Brenda