I am going to start this post with a short video. You may have even seen it before but it shows how powerful your words are and how important it is to formulate what you want to say in the best way possible. It is less than 2 minutes and VERY powerful!

 
Are you wondering what that has to do with me and Ole? Everything!

We talked to each other a lot. We would ALWAYS end our day with a good talk in bed. We would connect each night this way on what happened and how we were feeling about what was going on in our lives.

Was this important? YOU BET! There are far too many couples that lose touch with each other because they don’t talk. They let the kids, their jobs, the families, their hobbies, their friends, and all the other things life consists of get in the way of being CONNECTED and TOGETHER. 

Just because 2 people live together does not mean they are communicating on a regular basis. Oh sure they do the “How was your day? What did you do? Did you pick up the milk? Will you get the kids today?” And so it goes. 

But they never get into the meat and potatoes of their relationship and find out what is happening in their hearts, minds and souls. This is where relationships are built and this is where a relationship grows stronger.

Think back to this little video you just watched. What did you FEEL when you watched it? Take a minute and do this. You might find out you haven’t been checking in with yourself either. So take a minute and think about what you felt as you watched this video.

I have watched this video several times and I get teary each time. The Power of Words….amazing isn’t it!

Maybe the reason why it touches me so deeply is because I know my words were not always so kind. I know I have hurt people deeply with things I have said in the heat of a moment. And once those words are expressed, there is no going back. You can apologize as many times as you want but the words still hang in the air. Even if the person you said them to forgives and forgets, you never do.

What I am suggesting is just be aware of how you talk to each other and other people in general. Notice the tone of your voice and the words you use. You can still ask your sweetheart, “How are you?”. But the way you ask will give it a whole new meaning showing them that you are truly interested in what their answer will be.

Choose your words wisely. They are the building blocks to a romantic, wonderful life with your partner that you never dreamed possible. Make sure the words you use come from your heart and not that place where you think “This is what they want to hear.”…because that place is empty. Those words hold no weight and can be blown away along with your sincerity and the trust of your partner.

The Power of Words! Words can destroy quicker than the blink of an eye. But just by taking a second to think before you speak, your words can also build a beautiful, loving amazing experience.

Passionate regards….Brenda

There has been such a great response to my post Games People Play, I thought I would expand on it. So let’s explore The Silent Treatment. I am an expert at this one!

There are many silly little games we play with our lovers, friends and family and this one is a classic. Rules of the game are as follows:

1. Someone pisses you off so you withhold all forms of verbal communication .

2. You may communicate your anger and crankiness with disapproving looks, scowls, and snarly facial gestures.

3. You many not break the silence until you feel the receiver has suffered enough from the painful absence of your sweet voice and loving nature. Very important rule!

4. When you do break your silence, it is with full volume and speed. All that pent-up anger is allowed to come out with the force of a hurricane. Don’t hold anything back.

5. Accept apologies and allow the receiver to kiss your butt.

Isn’t this the rules of The Silent Treatment game? Yeah, whatever…

As I said, I am an expert at this game. I was trained by one of the best…my Mom! She would get angry over something and not talk for days. In the mean while, we would try and figure out what she was upset about. When we thought we had a hit we would ask her. She would just stare us down, toss her head and walk away.

I remember one particular time, Mom had not spoken to Dad or me in over 5 days. It was getting to be a bit silly. Dad and I were trying to figure out what she was angry over and we started to laugh. THEN Mom was really cranky. But at least she started talking to us. Alas, this was not the first or the last time we played this game.

Being a product of your environment, I too played The Silent Treatment game. With my family, friends and with Ole. That first year of marriage was such a great learning tool in so many ways. But it was the hardest year we spent together.

I have said in the past when you are angry to walk away and come back in 20 minutes or an hour when you have calmed down. Then you can talk more rationally and not out of anger. That is not the Silent Treatment. That is defusing a bomb and marriage management.

Nothing is solved when you don’t talk. What happens is there is distance created between you and the other person. If left long enough, this distance becomes greater and more difficult to cross over. Then you are left alone and hurt and still angry.

But the answers come when you can talk about what is troubling you in a calm manner. Absolutely the anger can still be there when you talk but by allowing yourself time to be still inside, you can communicate better about the problem.

I am the youngest and my sister is 16 years older than me with 5 boys in-between us. I loved our family. Well I still do but I miss having a family. We had so much fun together and when the grand kids started coming, it was wonderful.

I don’t know what happened. It has been so many YEARS since one has spoken to another and so on and so on. I keep asking my family to have an intervention. Yes, it has come to that. But they won’t have any part of it. How sad is that? The Silent Treatment game has produced a riff the size of the Grand Canyon in my family.

Is it my Mom’s fault? No! I am sure she learned to communicate this way from someone else. And, as with the rest of my family, they have never explored other ways to express their anger and problems. The Silent Treatment is their game of choice. They have gotten used to the pain and learned to live within its boundaries.

What I was very grateful for was that I woke up and realized that it is not a useful game to play with my husband or anyone else for that matter. It solved nothing. It only added to the problem and created a chasm between us.

I thank the heavens that I/we overcame playing such a stupid game. I have never in my life been so close to another person. There were times when we would hug that Ole and I could literally feel our bodies melting into each others and we were one entity.

THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING!

Do you think we would have experienced this if I would have continued to play The Silent Treatment game? I think not.

“When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Keep your lines of communication open and clear. The connection you will have with your lover, friends and family will be such a reward.

Then you really will have won the game.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Not many people know the difference between romance and intimacy. Many people think if you have one you have the other but that is far from the truth.

First, I think so you can understand what I mean, I will give you the definition of both. These definitions come from the Gage The Senior Dictionary.

Romance: a love story, a story of adventure, a story or poem telling of heroes, real events or conditions that are like such stories, full of love, excitement, or noble deeds, an interest in adventure and love, a love affair, a false or extravagant story.

Intimate: very familiar, known very well, closely acquainted, close, very personal, most private, far within, a close friend.

Intimacy: the state of being intimate, close acquaintance, a familiar or intimate act

To be intimate with another person means to KNOW them. Know what they think, what they feel, what they believe, what they wish for. Being intimate means to know another persons fears and what they love. Being intimate with someone means you know everything there is to know about them and continue to learn more.

When you are romantic….well do I need to tell you? If you don’t know what it is to be romantic, go to the book store or library and get educated. Become a student of the fine art of seduction and romance.

I want to focus on intimacy though. We can be intimate with many people in our lives in many ways on different levels. Think about your closest friend. Are you intimate with them? If they are your CLOSEST friend, I would have to say yes. I am not talking about sleeping with them, but I bet you know things about your friend that others don’t.

Now think about your lover. Are you intimate with them? Really think for just a minute. You are intimate on the physical level but do you really know them? Do you know what they fear, love, wish for and so on?

Ole and I had a great advantage when we were ‘dating’. Our dates consisted of talking on the phone because he was in Denmark and I was in Yukon, Canada. So we would talk for at least an hour per phone call and sometimes twice a day. We talked almost every day for 3 months before I went to Denmark to celebrate New Years with him.

After I came home from a 3 week holiday, we continued to talk for another 2 months before I went to Denmark to live and see where our relationship was going.

I got to know Ole better than most people who see each other every day because we romanced each other with our words which led to the deep intimacy of our relationship. Now understand that our conversations were not all flowery and smoochy and all that kissy stuff.

WE TALKED. WE LISTENED. WE WERE INTIMATE.

I felt so close to Ole in a way I have never felt with anybody before because I got to KNOW him. We would be talking about something and I would be blown away with his depth and knowledge. I would ask him, “How can you know that? You are only 24 years old!” He was amazing. He opened my eyes to look at the world in so many different ways.

As we talked, I opened myself to him also. I let Ole into places within me that others have never heard nor seen. He knew by looking at my eyes that my mood had changed. We heard so often that our relationship was closer than some couples that had been married for 50 years.

Ole definitely made me a better person because of who he was. I am forever grateful to have had him in my life. He is still and always will be in my life. I have never been so intimate with anyone before. Both physically and emotionally, as well as spiritually. I feel so lucky to have shared so much with such a (I am struggling for a word here because there is not one word to describe my husband) wonderful,amazing, intelligent man.

I found this quote shortly after Ole died. I would have love to have shared it with him as it was exactly how I felt.

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out. - Elizabeth Barret Browning

Romance alone cannot make a person love. INTIMACY is the true way to the heart.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I just read a joke about a costume party at http://www.comedyfootprint.com/2009/11/halloween-party-surprise/. I am warning you it is a little racy and makes you go EEWWW. But it made me think about how many couples do this and set themselves up for a fight or collapse of their relationship.

Again, this comes back to the ‘How much do you love me? – I am not enough’ mentality. Of course we all want to be loved. That is a given in human nature. And confirmation of this shared loved is wonderful.

But there are some people that play stupid little games with their lover that just sets them up for disappointment and heartache. They ask dumb questions like ‘Do you think he/she is hot? Would you sleep with him/her if you got the chance? Would you tell me about it?’ or ‘What does your dream partner look like to you? What is their personality, style sense, etc.?’ Get the picture?

These people have trouble inside their own skin I think. They don’t feel ‘good enough’ and are looking to their partner to confirm these feelings. Then when the fight or disintegration of the relationship begins, it is not their fault because their partner told them they were not good enough. And this just adds to their own angst and pain.

I worked in a bar for many years and would watch couples play stupid games. Getting drunk and ridiculous and deciding that they are going to show their lover that another man or woman wants them. Dumb game! Who cares if another person thinks you are desirable! What matters most is that your lover, your partner, your husband or wife thinks that you are desirable. The rest absolutely don’t matter.

Games are for kids. And games that are nasty and hurtful are not for anybody. They serve no higher good to those involved. Play games that empower your relationship. And if you are angry with your lover, don’t play any games at all. Talk straight. Be honest and open to clear the destructive feelings inside.

‘When you talk you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’    Ole Poulsen 1973 – 2006

Ole and I played lots of games…card games, board games, computer games. And many wonderful games lovers play, but that is for another day  

Passionate regards….Brenda

I read a blog post today that really got me thinking. It is Colin Daymude’s Blog with the post How do you know you are getting your message accross? 

I immediately thought of the many times Ole and I would listen to couples talk about some of the difficulties they were having and this is one of them we heard often. They just EXPECT their partner of however many months or years to ‘just know’ what they are thinking, wanting, and anticipating. When the partner doesn’t deliver the desired response, the fight is on.

As a general rule, people are not mind readers. Absolutely we can anticipate a desire or thought that someone close to us may have and act on it. Then they are so impressed because you ‘just knew’ what they wanted. But that does take work and being present in the moment and learning this other person.

Then the next time we don’t respond as expected, tempers flare and that loving feeling gets thrown out with the bath water. Our expectations are so high in relationships that many times we are disappointed because the other person was not ‘in the know’ with their lover.

Early on in our relationship I learned that just because Ole didn’t know I wanted a cookie when he went to the kitchen didn’t mean he loved me less. If I didn’t tell him I wanted a cookie, why would he think I did?

We make up stupid little tests in our minds to see how much the other person loves us. Then when they fail it is because they don’t love you ENOUGH. Which in turn just adds another brick to the wall people tend to build around themselves when they are disappointed. With each disappointment comes another brick. In no time we have a fortress built and the relationship crumbles. Which in turn, reaffirms that they just didn’t love you enough.

Vicious cycle to say the least.

We have been taught to not ask for what we want. When we were children, we learn it is impolite to ask for the cookie when we visit. We must wait for the cookie to be offered or given to us.

That doesn’t work in relationships. Any relationships. Tell the other person what you want, expect and desire. Then they can tell you if they can grant your request or not. You have put yourself out there clear and concise. No guessing involved. No unintentionally hurt feelings. No misunderstandings.

Ole was a very wise man. I learned so much from him and I am never-ending proud of his ideas and wisom. He had a saying…

‘When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’ – Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Yes it is really a simple idea but VERY POWERFUL in relationships. Think of how many misunderstandings could have been avoided if we just took the time to talk and find peace.

Passionate regards…Brenda