I was at a friend’s 40th birthday party yesterday and had such a huge AHA moment…I miss the Relationship Safety I had with Ole.

I don’t go to many large parties or functions these days. Not because I am anti-social or anything. I have enjoyed many delightful dinners with 2 or 3 couples and me. But I can see myself a little clearer from having attended this party yesterday.

It was a lovely affair with around 50 people or so. Nothing huge where you are not sure if there will be someone you can talk with, but an intimate gathering of family and friends. It was very calm and relaxed. People were enjoying themselves, talking, drinking, eating. It was quite wonderful.

There were several people I knew there that I could talk with and enjoy. The thing was I felt like a fish out of water. I felt so alone inside myself. I felt emotional, nervous, sad and happy at the same time. I felt like I wanted to just come home to the ‘Safety’ of my house and dogs.

As I drove home I was asking myself what was going on with me? I was never one to step away from a good time. I was always the one that could talk to anyone and everyone. I was always the one to laugh loud and have fun. I was always one of the last people to leave because I didn’t want to miss anything. What happened?

I lost the Relationship Safety I had knowing Ole was beside me.

“What does that mean exactly?” I asked myself. It meant I felt totally exposed. I felt like people could see into me and see through me. I felt like there was no back-up if I needed one. Meaning there was no one to just sit with and watch the party unfold. Not having to think about what to say or where I should stand.

I was so shocked as this unravelled in my head as I drove home. I have never been nervous about doing things on my own. I have always been very independent and self assured. Even in our marriage I did many things on my own with Ole’s blessing. So this was somewhat unsettling to say the least.

The Relationship Safety I had with Ole infused every aspect of my life. I had someone that I respected to ask his opinion of things. I had someone to stand beside me not so much to hold me up but to be stronger. I had someone that could calm me with a look. I had everything I needed and wanted wrapped up in this one person.

Maybe I was already thinking along these same lines earlier this week. I work with home care here in Denmark and I was talking with a lady the other day as I helped her put on her support stockings. I said I was having a difficult time deciding if I should buy new doors for my house or not. I am still not sure how long I can be here in Denmark because immigration has not settled my case. So it is wise to spend so much money on a house that I may have to sell?

As our conversation continued with these questions with no absolute answers, she said that this is one of those decisions that it really helps to have two to decide. I agreed whole heartedly.

Yes I can ask his family and friends. Yes I can talk to my family and friends. But when it comes down to the final decision it is only me. I miss the Relationship Safety I had with Ole.

Ole gave me so much strength and support I still feel so much like half a person without him. I thought my inner strength was building more than what I displayed at this party.

I always knew that Ole had my back and I had his. I always knew that he was there for me and with me through thick and thin. I always knew that if I could not see clearly, he would be able to show me a better way. I felt so safe with Ole.

And as I was analysing myself through all this I realised that this is another reason why our relationship was so amazing. The Relationship Safety we had with each other built such a solid foundation for us to grow as a couple and as individuals.

I think this is a topic worth exploring more next week. But in the mean time, think about how much Relationship Safety you have with your mate. What does it mean to you to have Relationship Safety in your relationship?

To be continued….

Passionate regards….Brenda

EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG! Everything is falling apart! I must say I am forever grateful that I was able to get on my computer today to write this. Thank you to the computer gods for shining on me today. I have not been lazy. But my computer has a mind of his own this past month or so.

This is my life this past month…I have been having pc troubles like you can not imagine. If I can open the computer at all, I am never sure how long it will be before the blue screen of computing death pops up.

My computer is 10 years old and is having trouble computing. I have known that eventually I will need a new one but hoped it would be a day ‘down the road’. I am now standing on that part of the road.

And my car is really showing his age too. My car is Buddy. That is why I will refer to it as ‘him’. I have an 1987 Volvo station car. I love him. I feel like I am driving a real car when I sit in him. He is heavy, hugs the road and rolls along so smooth and wonderful.

But he is also wanting to retire. It is me that is not willing to part with him. I now have two back doors that will not open unless I crawl in the car to open them. I know I will have to let him go soon.

Also, I need 2 new doors for my house plus other work. These are very high ticket items for me because I tell ya, living in Denmark is not cheap. The list goes on but you get the idea. It wouldn’t be so bad maybe if it didn’t all seem to come at once.

Ole and I were always lucky that when one of us was feeling like the world was falling apart, the other was able to see and think more clear. The one of us that was on top of the wave was able to help pull the other back up. Then the waters would be calm again untill the next storm.

What about you? When troubles hit in your house do you and your partner both fall into them or are you able to lean on each other to support the one that is less sturdy?

It is important in a relationship to have the support from your lover. And this goes for everything in life. Whether it is a problem or a celebration. Knowing that you have that special someone there to share EVERYTHING with makes life better.

Knowing that if you think the sun has stopped shining on your life that there is that person that stands beside you to help you see that it is only a little cloud coverage. And maybe sometimes it is a full blown hurricane but there is that strong arm around you that is supporting your weight so that you can continue to walk forward.

Read that again…I said SUPPORTING you, not holding you up. We all need to walk on our own. We all need to get through our cloudy days or stormy weather. Having the support and encouragement of your partner gives you another perspective of the situation and the energy to keep moving on.

There are so many things I would love to hear what Ole would say about them. I have little conversations in my head with him and imagine what his answers would be. It helps. It is not ideal but it gets me up and going. It helps to get me to keep moving forward.

Be the Support Beam Team with each other in your house of love. When there is one hand reaching out to help lift up the other that has momentarily fallen, it makes it SO MUCH EASIER to stand again. Then you can stand strong together, arm in arm, and yell….

In love and honour, in joy and disappointment, in sickness and in health, by standing strong with your arms around each other, knowing you are creating a stronger Support Beam Team, you can achieve great things in your life together and over come any dissapointments and sorrows.

Passionate regards….Brenda