Space…I am not talking about the final frontier that Captain Kirk was talking about. I want to talk about giving each other space in your relationship.

When you are new-in-love all you want to do is BE with that wonderful other person. You want to spend every moment with them; talking, touching, exploring, learning. But after a while we all need some space.

When Ole and I were married, I was 35 years old and had been living my life on my terms. I had no one to answer to or ask anything of. I did what I did when I wanted and that was that.

After we were married, we spent a LOT of time together. I loved it. I LOVED being with Ole. But the adjustment was hard on me in the fact that I had no space just for me. I mean time where I could go downtown and look around. Time I could spend looking at books in the book store. Time getting a pedicure or facial or whatever else I used to do on my own.

I just wanted a couple hours a week to be me and do the things I wanted to do without having to think about someone else and what they wanted to do. Does this make sense to you?

When I would tell Ole that I wanted this space to just recharge my batteries, he took it personal and would get very sad because he thought I didn’t want to be with him. That I really wanted to be alone. Which was not true.

It didn’t help that our first year of marriage was tough. Ole was in a new country and me being his only contact in that newness. And here I am telling him I want space. As well we were learning to live together and how we both fit into the other’s ideas of life, love and marriage.

During our exploration in our first year of finding a better way to live and grow our love, I found the space I was looking for. I could take an hour and go into the city and shop for clothes. Ole was never thrilled to do that anyway so it worked for both of us.

More times than not, I came home without any bags and purchases. He would be surprised because he thought my mission was to buy clothes. Not really. My mission was to recharge my batteries and make a little space for myself.

And more times than not, if I did buy something it was for him. I wanted to show him I appreciated the space in our relationship. Maybe that is not exactly what I said but that is what I meant when I gave him his ‘staying home’ gift.

There were times when Ole and I would go to the bookstore together and I still found my own space. He looked at what he was interested in and I did my thing. We were together at the store but giving each other the space we needed to regroup, recharge and explore on our own.

When you find that space to explore on your own, you come back to your partner and your relationship with something new. You have a new topic to discuss or explore together.

By enjoying, exploring and searching life on your own time and terms, you help your partner, yourself and the relationship grow to new heights and levels. When you stay stagnant and never discuss new topics, things get old pretty fast which can take a relationship down a really dark alley.

Space is very important in a relationship. If you are in constant contact and in each other’s space 24/7, one or both of you can begin to feel smothered, mothered, policed, controlled. Now that is getting into the negative emotions but it is possible.

Some people are afraid to give their partner space because it may give them the opportunity to find someone better. It may give them the opportunity to develop them self beyond the relationship. It may give them the opportunity to think their own thoughts and perhaps leave the relationship.

There is that old saying about setting something free and if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was. In some ways I think that is true in couples also. Being in a realtionship does not put you or your partner in a cage.

I have never been a believer in the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It can work the other way around and make the heart forget. But a little space between can be so sweet.

Give your partner and yourself the gift of space. Allow each other the space to recharge to be a better half of the couple.

Space…is it really the final frontier? No, just another piece of the puzzle.

Passionate regards….Brenda