When Ole died, I had a lot of people tell me I should write down my thoughts and feelings. It would help ease feeling the pain. How could I write the physical pain in my heart away?

To say the least, I didn’t do it. I could barely take care of our 2 dogs and cat. There were days the pain would be so great that it took me forever to go for a 10 minute walk with our dogs. No kidding! The action of putting one foot in front of the other was a huge effort.

But the pain, physical pain that I had in my chest was always there and nothing took it way. I took over the counter pain meds…no change. My doctor had x-rays taken. They showed nothing but the pain persisted. She suggested exercise. Like I said, walking was a chore.

She suggest antidepressants. I don’t know if they would have helped but I could not begin to think about going through this pain again after I went off them. I felt the best treatment for me was to face my feelings and move through them.

The reason I am bringing this up is because I just read an article on the pain people go through when a relationship ends. This article stated that this ‘real and physical’ pain that I felt was actually produced from my head. I guess on one level I knew that but I was hoping for a medical reason that I was hurting so much.

I never really thought about it before but when Ole and I would have an argument and if it wasn’t resolved before we went to bed, what a crappy sleep we both had. Tossing and turning and feeling sad and bad. I can’t say I noticed the pain so much in my chest, only that my heart, head and body hurt.

To understand what I mean, think about the last time you argued with someone you loved. How crappy was the rest of your day? How well did you sleep? How many times did you replay the argument in your mind? Did you eat well, if you did eat, or picked at this, that and other unhealthy food? Or did you eat and eat until your gut was screaming “NO MORE”? How many times were you sitting on the toilet and letting it all out? Or perhaps you held it in and had cramps or headaches.

Our minds have so much effect over how our bodies feel. Amazing to think that our minds can make us believe we have an actual physical pain in our heart when it is broken. But its true.

We all handle upset in our lives differently. Each one of us has to find the way that feels best to get through the difficult times. And that is not always easy to do because when you are going through a rough patch with a friend, family member or lover, you aren’t thinking about what is happening in your body. You focus on what has triggered this crappy feeling.

But I tell ya, when Ole and I did resolve the problem, we both felt SO much better and got back into the flow with our minds, bodies and each other.

I had to feel the pain from Ole’s death to move through it. I know I have learned a lot from this experience. The biggest thing that I learned was that there is nothing worth fighting over. It really is all small stuff.

Feeling the pain after an argument is so useless and harmful. Move through the pain and feel the love flow. Keep the lines of communication wide open. Then you will find the win-win solution and the painful times will be few and far between.

Passionate regards….Brenda

PS – In the article I read they suggested many things to help ease the pain. And a lot of medical and scientific studies to back up their findings. You can check it out for yourself. http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/health-fitness/health/rodale-article.aspx?cp-documentid=23989279

Another great article about heart attack symptoms in relation to a broken heart http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/health-fitness/health/rodale-article.aspx?cp-documentid=23729852

What causes you pleasure and pain in your relationship? I think we all know what brings us enormous amounts of pleasure in our relationship. But what about the pain half of the equation?

I agree that arguing with our better-half is a painful experience. I agree that being insensitive to your lover or them to you is painful. I agree that breaking up is maybe the most painful, short of actual physical pain.

I think that in many relationships there comes at least one time, the thought of ending the relationship. I have experienced that.

Our first year was difficult. The ‘honeymoon phase’ is a myth for many couples I believe. I had read so many times that this is the first phase of your marriage. Not ours I tell ya!

Ole and I both had strong ideas, opinions and needs when we became a couple. We both wanted different things perhaps. By that I mean where we wanted to grow and what we wanted to accomplish as a couple. It was very difficult for both us to have some of our needs met and this caused problems.

I can remember thinking I can’t go on this way. All we did was argue. At least that’s what it felt  at that moment. Then I would think about leaving and just getting out of this bad situation.

I would think about where I would live. What would I do for a job? I would think about what would Ole do? He was in a foreign country. He spoke excellent English but he didn’t know all the laws and rules land. What would happen to him?

That caused me a lot of pain. But the worst was yet to come. I would begin thinking about not waking up with him everyday. I would think about not laughing with him and not making love to him. I would think about not having him next to me to talk to when ever I wanted.

Then my heart, my pleasure center, would step into the conversation and would ask me “how could you EVER think you would want to live without him?” The anger would instantly stop and I would sob and howl at the thought that I was thinking about leaving my wonderful husband.

This shocking realisation made me think more clearly. Not acting out of my emotions but from my heart and head. I was willing to work through the problems and difficult times. I was willing to change in myself what I had to, to be able to have a better life with Ole. I was committed to our union and the love we shared. We both were.

In that first year, even when times were really hard for us which reflected in how we were handling our relationship, the pleasure I got from being with Ole was greater than the pain of thinking about leaving him. I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I loved him. And still do.

We talked a lot about what troubled us. We cried when we were frustrated and angry. We loved when we found a solution.

When Ole and I first moved back to Denmark, he was working with a company and he was gone from Monday morning until Thursday afternoon. I hated that we were separated like that. He hated it too.

Here I was, in a foreign country and the person I wanted to be with most was not available to me 24 hours everyday. So I watched a lot of movies. The worst were the sappy love stories or romantic comedies. By the end of the movie when the guy gets the girl and they were in each others arms, I was sobbing. Not just crying but SOBBING.

The pain of being away from Ole, even for those few days each week, was horrible. I would sit in our house and all I wanted was to feel his strong arms around me and his soft lips on mine. And yet he was in Copenhagen working and hating it as much as me. At that point, we had no idea how little time we had left together.

The pain of Ole’s death sits in my heart everyday. But the pleasure of having loved him for 9 years and experiencing a love like ours is greater than the pain I feel.

A least most days it is.

Passionate regards….Brenda