When you think about planning a Romantic Getaway, what do think about? Soft music, candle light, fireplace, exotic retreats?

That is the standards I guess for Romantic Getaways, but have you ever thought about Monster Trucks, skydiving, drive-in movie? Most people don’t think about these as Romantic Getaways but they can make the candle light and soft music seem lame in comparison.

Like I have said before, you wouldn’t take a person that hates fishing on a fishing trip. But sometimes, we design these enchanting moments to reflect OUR desires and that which could be pleasing, enjoyable and sexy to our partner.

But have you ever thought about what your partner finds REALLY EXCITING? Maybe your man has always wanted to go up in a hot air balloon but never has for various reasons. How thrilled would he be if you bought him a trip and said you would pick him up at the other end. Greet him with a picnic basket and a blanket where you can lounge and hear all about his experience. How HOT would he think you are? SMOKIN’!

Maybe that wonderful lady in your life has always wanted someone to come in and organise her kitchen or learn to play a guitar. But she has never pursued it for whatever reasons. Would you be the best boy on the block if you made this little dream come true? ABSOLUTELY! You would be smothered with kisses.

Think about when you have done something really exciting. You were filled with life and energy. You felt great and invincible. And you couldn’t wait to get home to your lover and tell him all about this moment you just had. You just wanted to hug and kiss him because you were filled with this amazing feeling and wanted to share it.

We are so conditioned to think of romance as soft and intimate and that it involves sitting across from each other holding hands while you talk in hushed tones and look longingly into each other’s eyes. 

But it is SO much more.

Unselfish acts of kindness are extremely romantic.

Think about how romantic it is when a person goes to a homeless shelter and helps in the kitchen. Think about how romantic it is when a person goes to a convalescent home and talks with the people that live there just to brighten their day. Think about how romantic it is when you lover offers to babysit for a friend so they can go out for a romantic dinner alone.

These are ALL Romantic Getaways. Not in the traditional sense but there is a romantic energy that flows through them. And you would look at your lover in a more romantic and loving way when you hear what they did. When you see them talking with people that just need a friend.

When Ole was in the hospital and should start his chemo, I was so beside myself. There was no way I could have went home and left him there. I slept in a chair beside his bed and held his hand or had my foot resting against his leg. I needed to know he was there and that I was there for him if he needed anything.

When he woke up the next day after that first night of chemo, he looked at me and asked if I had been there all night. I said of course I had. He smiled the softest smile and said, “How romantic.”  There were no candles or soft music but there was so much romance and love in that room it could have filled a million restaurants in Paris.

In fact, I didn’t go home until Ole did. The hospital brought a bed into his room and let me stay with him the whole week. Was this a Romantic Getaway that we would have dreamed of having with each other? I think not. But there was a thread of romance through it in a tragic and sad way. That week was extremely intimate and so much love flowed between us on deeper levels.

Now I am not saying to give up the candle light dinners for a soup kitchen. But once in a while it would bring more adventure, more spice, more dimension into your relationship.

We get caught in conditioned thinking not just in our relationships but our lives. We get caught in someone else’s thoughts and ideas what something should or shouldn’t look like, feel like, be like.

Put on your romantic thinking caps and see if you can’t explore the idea of Romantic Getaways from a totally new perspective. The connection you and your lover will experience will be deeper, more joyful and more loving.

Passionate regards….Brenda

When was the last time you challenged yourself? Maybe it was to accomplish a goal by a certain date or to achieve something great in sports. Maybe you wanted to learn something new and challenged yourself to do it?

Let me ask you this, when was the last time you challenged yourself to DO better, BE better in your relationship?

We focus so much on our outer world; our jobs, sports, hobbies, school, families. Sometimes our intimate relationships get pushed to the bottom of the list. We forget that our relationship with our wonderful other is one of our greatest challenges and achievements.

Ole and I were on a constant quest to learn more about how to have a great marriage. No we didn’t have kids to take care of but that doesn’t mean we had a lot of free time. But we still found the time to explore and learn to bring MORE into our marriage.

We challenged ourselves to be the best we could be in our marriage. And this meant learning about each other and relationships. We were very proud of the fact that people ALWAYS commented on what a loving relationship we had. But we also put a lot of work into our relationship too.

There are so many couples that don’t make it. I just wonder if they would have challenged themselves to BE more, DO more with each other, would they still decide to split up?

I believe that we focus on so much outside ourselves that we forget to focus on what is most important and just hope it will run on autopilot. We set financial, physical,  job related challenges and goals and we leave the most important part of our life, our relationship, to flow as best it can with little or no guidance.

How often do you hear anyone talking about they are setting a goal to learn 6 new sexual positions over the next 2 weeks? Or they have a goal to plan THE MOST romantic evening their partner could EVER imagine? Or they will learn 4 new places on their lovers body they like to be kissed, stroked, rubbed, or bit?

Not very often.

As we grow up we are not taught how to have a relationship. With the amount of divorces and single parents, it is difficult for kids to learn how to have a loving, long-term relationship because kids learn these things by example.

Again, I am not judging, just stating facts. I don’t know what has happened in people’s lives to bring them to the place that they are. We all make our own decisions and mistakes. I am not placing blame on anyone.

I am just suggesting that if couples would challenge them self or each other to learn more about love, making love and living in love, maybe we would have less divorces and single parents.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a house with both my parents. But that does not mean I learned how to have a great relationship with Ole. I am sure my parents loved each other but they didn’t hug and kiss in front of us. Well, Christmas morning, birthdays, that kind of thing they would give each other a little squeeze and kiss.

But my Mom has a temper and I learned how to yell. I learned that is how you argue with your husband (but it’s not the best way for sure). I don’t remember how often Mom would yell at Dad but I guess it was often enough. And then she wouldn’t talk to him after.

In high school, I watched how the kids dated. When I worked in the bars, I watched how people, lovers, treated each other. I wasn’t impressed so I never dated. But that doesn’t mean I never had ‘relationships’ with men. I just didn’t want anything long-term because I didn’t like what I had seen in my family’s relationships or most people around me.

I was fascinated with relationships and sex long before I met Ole and read more books than I can count. It was exciting to try new things. It was interesting to learn about the dynamics of a relationship. And when Ole and I got married, I was even more interested to learn, as was he.

Decide today that you will challenge yourself to learn something exciting, new, interesting, adventurous to bring more joy and love into your relationship. Challenge yourself to be all that you can be in your love affair and then push yourself that little bit extra.

If we put as much effort into our relationships as we do our sports, hobbies or watching TV, we all would have relationships that would grow and flourish into the romance of the century.

Be Bold! Be Brave! Be Adventurous! Challenge yourself to BE MORE in your relationship. The results are worth it.

Passioante regards….Brenda

Space…I am not talking about the final frontier that Captain Kirk was talking about. I want to talk about giving each other space in your relationship.

When you are new-in-love all you want to do is BE with that wonderful other person. You want to spend every moment with them; talking, touching, exploring, learning. But after a while we all need some space.

When Ole and I were married, I was 35 years old and had been living my life on my terms. I had no one to answer to or ask anything of. I did what I did when I wanted and that was that.

After we were married, we spent a LOT of time together. I loved it. I LOVED being with Ole. But the adjustment was hard on me in the fact that I had no space just for me. I mean time where I could go downtown and look around. Time I could spend looking at books in the book store. Time getting a pedicure or facial or whatever else I used to do on my own.

I just wanted a couple hours a week to be me and do the things I wanted to do without having to think about someone else and what they wanted to do. Does this make sense to you?

When I would tell Ole that I wanted this space to just recharge my batteries, he took it personal and would get very sad because he thought I didn’t want to be with him. That I really wanted to be alone. Which was not true.

It didn’t help that our first year of marriage was tough. Ole was in a new country and me being his only contact in that newness. And here I am telling him I want space. As well we were learning to live together and how we both fit into the other’s ideas of life, love and marriage.

During our exploration in our first year of finding a better way to live and grow our love, I found the space I was looking for. I could take an hour and go into the city and shop for clothes. Ole was never thrilled to do that anyway so it worked for both of us.

More times than not, I came home without any bags and purchases. He would be surprised because he thought my mission was to buy clothes. Not really. My mission was to recharge my batteries and make a little space for myself.

And more times than not, if I did buy something it was for him. I wanted to show him I appreciated the space in our relationship. Maybe that is not exactly what I said but that is what I meant when I gave him his ‘staying home’ gift.

There were times when Ole and I would go to the bookstore together and I still found my own space. He looked at what he was interested in and I did my thing. We were together at the store but giving each other the space we needed to regroup, recharge and explore on our own.

When you find that space to explore on your own, you come back to your partner and your relationship with something new. You have a new topic to discuss or explore together.

By enjoying, exploring and searching life on your own time and terms, you help your partner, yourself and the relationship grow to new heights and levels. When you stay stagnant and never discuss new topics, things get old pretty fast which can take a relationship down a really dark alley.

Space is very important in a relationship. If you are in constant contact and in each other’s space 24/7, one or both of you can begin to feel smothered, mothered, policed, controlled. Now that is getting into the negative emotions but it is possible.

Some people are afraid to give their partner space because it may give them the opportunity to find someone better. It may give them the opportunity to develop them self beyond the relationship. It may give them the opportunity to think their own thoughts and perhaps leave the relationship.

There is that old saying about setting something free and if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was. In some ways I think that is true in couples also. Being in a realtionship does not put you or your partner in a cage.

I have never been a believer in the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It can work the other way around and make the heart forget. But a little space between can be so sweet.

Give your partner and yourself the gift of space. Allow each other the space to recharge to be a better half of the couple.

Space…is it really the final frontier? No, just another piece of the puzzle.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I am a little slow on what is happening in the world at times but I know where my focus is in my life. It is to bring more love into other people’s lives which brings more love into mine.

I received the latest newsletter from FinerMinds and there was a video link on it. From this link I clicked on a couple more and then I came to the Starbucks Love Project. WOW!

It brought me to tears!

There are many horrible events happening the world over. We have front row seats to many of them on our TVs. I don’t watch the news. I don’t read newspapers. I read the headlines on the Internet. I don’t even read all of them anymore as it all focuses on the nasty, terrible happenings in our world.

But the Starbucks Love Project turned the lightbulb on in my head. There were 156 countries that participated in this project. That is a lot of diverse people with different beliefs and cultures all focusing on one thing…LOVE.

The countries in this video are many of the same ones we see on the nightly news. It is sad we don’t see the encouraging pieces of information coming from our newscasters. If we saw more positive stories on our newscasts, think about how that would impact our world. WOW!

I believe this is the same in our relationships. Ole and I always focused on our love. Yes, you know from past posts that we argued, but that NEVER meant we didn’t love each other.

We listened to many couples talk about their relationships and what was wrong with this, that or the other person. That was their focus. They only saw the negative bits of their partner and their relationship.

When I would want to talk to Ole about something I wouldn’t first think ‘Oh..I hope this doesn’t end up in a huge argument’. That is only putting the focus on arguing instead of finding a solution or coming to some kind of an agreement.

I was talking with a friend the other day about going to a sweat lodge. We had been to one last year and both enjoyed it to no end. But she said she was scared to go because she was worried she would get claustrophobic in the sweat hut.

I asked her if she enjoyed it last time. She said yes. I asked her if she had a problem with it last time. She said no. I said then she should focus on what she liked and how great she felt instead of projecting the negative before it even happens. She lit up and said, “You’re right!”

The first 2½ to 3 years after Ole died I focused on death. I saw death all around me…funerals…hearses…roadkill…death on TV…sad death movies…it was awful. But I was so focused on dying that I was trying to will myself to die to be with Ole.  I know it sounds silly now, but I was so low in my energy and my thoughts.

When I finally woke up and realised that I was not dying, I decided that I better find a better way to live. If I have to be on this earth a while longer, I want to have the best life I can possibly have.

Now my focus is on living. I am paying attention to what I eat and most of all, what I think. I love the walks I take with my dogs whether it is sunny out or blustery and cold. I love going to work and talking with the people that have homecare. I love writing this blog and hoping that I am helping someone else have a better life.

I love the life I am creating. There…I said it!

It is not that I like being without Ole but I love the life I am creating without him. That dosn’t mean I don’t miss him every second of every day but I am learning to live with that. And I know he is still here with me in my heart and my thoughts. So that is better than nothing.

But I am not a sad-natured person. I love to laugh and have fun. I love to make other’s smile and laugh. I love to give people hugs and be hugged. I love to hug my dogs (and cat when she lets me).

We are bombarded with negative images, ideas, stories, movies, thoughts and other people’s beliefs. Has it gotten to the point where this is the norm? Only if that is what we focus on. Only if we allow our lives to run on autopilot and accept all this crap on a day to day basis.

Make a commitment to yourself that you will focus on the things that are wonderful, fun, loving and amazing in your life. Take the time to write 3 to 5 things everyday before you go to bed that makes you happy or are grateful for. Take the time to say out loud that you love your life.

Free yourself from the negative burden we sometimes unknowingly carry around just because it is thrown at us from all sides. Start throwing it back and release your focus from the nasty, horrible, scary things in this world to see the sun shine through the rain clouds and the love that is waiting to be acknowledged each and every moment of your life.

The Starbucks Love Project. Check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7D2g5v-Sg 

FOCUS on the greatness in your life, your relationship and you.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I just saw Avatar and had a HUGE AHA moment. Remember when Nevtiri and Jake Sully said to each other “I SEE YOU“?

WOW! My mind and heart blew wide open and I immediately thought of Ole. Then the tears of love and understanding started to flow.

Why?

Ole would tell me all the time “I love you”. I was nervous that one day those words would have no meaning if he used them too often. Little did I know how much power those words carried and that you can NEVER say them too often.

But when I heard those two Navi say “I SEE YOU” to each other, I understood, REALLY UNDERSTOOD, what saying I Love You means. Of course I have always known what I Love You means but a deeper meaning was revealed to me in that moment.

I mean think about it. What does ‘I Love You’ mean to you? Does it mean you are connected through your emotions or your heart? Does it mean that you are happy to be around this person? Does it mean that your life is better or feels complete with this person in your life? What does ‘I Love You’ mean to you?

When those two Navi said “I SEE YOU”, I totally understood what ‘I Love You’ means to me. I totally understood what Ole was saying to me so many times throughout the day. I totally understood what I felt when I heard him say ‘I Love You’ and what I felt in my heart when I said ‘I Love You Too’.

We were telling each other that we SAW this other person. We SAW all the GREATNESS, all the GOODNESS, all the AMAZING qualities in this other person. We saw all of the flaws, all of the bad decisions, all of the sadness and disappointments as well. And we accepted ALL of this without reserve. We accepted each other as a loving partner in this life.

We SAW each other. We UNDERSTOOD each other. We knew that neither one of us was perfect but at the same time, perfect for each of us to be in this intimate relationship with. This meant accepting this other person as they are.

Take a moment and think about your closest relationships. Do you tell these important people in your life that you love them? When they screw up, and most people do at some point in time, do you still love them or do you turn away? Do you with-hold your affections or your friendship because you feel hurt or betrayed? 

I have done both.

I have had friends that I turned my back on because something happened and my feelings got hurt. I don’t know if it was pride, anger or the hurt went deep into my heart, but there have been times when I didn’t have contact with these ‘friends’ for years. I would have to say that I really didn’t SEE these friends. And on the flip side, maybe they really didn’t SEE me either.

With Ole, there were many times we had cross words but not to the point where we could not talk to each other after. Absolutely, there were times when I needed half an hour or so to calm myself so I could talk rationally but we did eventually talk. We did work out our problems. We never left a problem or argument dangling to produce tension in our relationship.

I wish with all my heart that I could tell Ole “I SEE YOU” and explain how all encompassing those words are for how I feel about him. But I am so grateful that I know Ole SAW me. Even if he said it with ‘I Love You’.

As for my friends, I am wiser now and know that turning my back is not the way to handle a problem in any relationship. Maybe I have grown up at last!

Let the people that are important in your life KNOW that you SEE them. Be brave and feel the greatness in your own heart, in your own being by allowing them to SEE you too.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Not many people know the difference between romance and intimacy. Many people think if you have one you have the other but that is far from the truth.

First, I think so you can understand what I mean, I will give you the definition of both. These definitions come from the Gage The Senior Dictionary.

Romance: a love story, a story of adventure, a story or poem telling of heroes, real events or conditions that are like such stories, full of love, excitement, or noble deeds, an interest in adventure and love, a love affair, a false or extravagant story.

Intimate: very familiar, known very well, closely acquainted, close, very personal, most private, far within, a close friend.

Intimacy: the state of being intimate, close acquaintance, a familiar or intimate act

To be intimate with another person means to KNOW them. Know what they think, what they feel, what they believe, what they wish for. Being intimate means to know another persons fears and what they love. Being intimate with someone means you know everything there is to know about them and continue to learn more.

When you are romantic….well do I need to tell you? If you don’t know what it is to be romantic, go to the book store or library and get educated. Become a student of the fine art of seduction and romance.

I want to focus on intimacy though. We can be intimate with many people in our lives in many ways on different levels. Think about your closest friend. Are you intimate with them? If they are your CLOSEST friend, I would have to say yes. I am not talking about sleeping with them, but I bet you know things about your friend that others don’t.

Now think about your lover. Are you intimate with them? Really think for just a minute. You are intimate on the physical level but do you really know them? Do you know what they fear, love, wish for and so on?

Ole and I had a great advantage when we were ‘dating’. Our dates consisted of talking on the phone because he was in Denmark and I was in Yukon, Canada. So we would talk for at least an hour per phone call and sometimes twice a day. We talked almost every day for 3 months before I went to Denmark to celebrate New Years with him.

After I came home from a 3 week holiday, we continued to talk for another 2 months before I went to Denmark to live and see where our relationship was going.

I got to know Ole better than most people who see each other every day because we romanced each other with our words which led to the deep intimacy of our relationship. Now understand that our conversations were not all flowery and smoochy and all that kissy stuff.

WE TALKED. WE LISTENED. WE WERE INTIMATE.

I felt so close to Ole in a way I have never felt with anybody before because I got to KNOW him. We would be talking about something and I would be blown away with his depth and knowledge. I would ask him, “How can you know that? You are only 24 years old!” He was amazing. He opened my eyes to look at the world in so many different ways.

As we talked, I opened myself to him also. I let Ole into places within me that others have never heard nor seen. He knew by looking at my eyes that my mood had changed. We heard so often that our relationship was closer than some couples that had been married for 50 years.

Ole definitely made me a better person because of who he was. I am forever grateful to have had him in my life. He is still and always will be in my life. I have never been so intimate with anyone before. Both physically and emotionally, as well as spiritually. I feel so lucky to have shared so much with such a (I am struggling for a word here because there is not one word to describe my husband) wonderful,amazing, intelligent man.

I found this quote shortly after Ole died. I would have love to have shared it with him as it was exactly how I felt.

I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out. - Elizabeth Barret Browning

Romance alone cannot make a person love. INTIMACY is the true way to the heart.

Passionate regards….Brenda

“Because that is what love does,” answered Papa.

I am loving this book ‘The Shack’ by Wm. Paul Young. I had yet another aha moment when I was reading the other day. This is a wonderful book I tell ya!

I got shivers up my spine when I read that line. I keep writing here how people saw the love Ole and I shared. I keep telling you how we would do anything for each other. I had a relationship of unconditional love with Ole “because that is what love does.”

I knew we loved each other heart and soul but until I read that line I really could not have told you why or how. Now I can.

♥ Because that is what love does ♥

I have told you that we had a perfect relationship. I have never said we didn’t argue or get angry with each other. We are real people in a real world with real trials and triumphs. But our love was perfect because that is what love does.

I believe in our society we have many broken people. Okay, maybe more bruised and beat up. We grow up with our bruised and battered ideas of what a perfect relationship would look like, feel like. We have our fantasies of the perfect lover, husband or wife.

Then we meet that person that resembles our fantasy lover and we say YES! Dreams do come true. But when the veil of ‘new love’ is lifted and the real world starts to pounce on our perfect relationship. Then the dreams and fantasies are punished, caged or slaughtered and the love dies. Or what we thought was love.

It never happened with Ole and me. When we were married, a friend of Ole’s said to me that even if we get 5 good years together, at least we had that. There was no way I was getting married for just 5 good years. Neither was Ole. We were in this for the long haul, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

♥ Because that is what love does ♥

Even when we were arguing, we still loved each other. There were times in the early days when we had many arguments that I would think I could not continue. But then I would think of the alternative of living without Ole….I would cry so hard. I could not imagine my life without him. I would sob almost as hard as I did when he died. So we woke up the next day and moved forward. I said FORWARD not on. We delt with our problems and grew in our love for each other.

♥ Because that is what love does ♥

♥Love is forgiveness. If you hold on to the hurts there is no room for love. I was famous for holding a grudge when I was young. Hurt my feelings and I didn’t talk to you for years. Ole made me see how stupid that really was. I can’t give you specifics how he made me see that just that loving him did open my eyes.

I had put all my hurt in a cage and shut the door so it could never get out. The hurt would just sit in there and howl and bang on the walls in the very depths of my being. How could there be room for love in there? I had to open the door and let it out and move forward.

♥ Love is acceptance. We don’t all think alike and thank heavens for that. If you talked to any of my or Ole’s childhood friends, they would say the same about both of us. We were both different than the rest. The friends we had, the families we grew up in….we thought and were different from them.

In that difference we both saw a wonderful loving being in each other. I didn’t want Ole to change. Okay, I wanted him to chew with his mouth closed and put the toilet lid down. But other than that, I loved who he was and how he thought. He was the most wonderful man I have EVER met.

♥ Love is allowing. Allow the other person to be who they really are. We hide behind so many masks. We have the mask of mother, father, friend, daughter, son, employer, employee, baker, jailer, lover, alcoholic, abuser, slut… The list is endless and we choose at any given moment what mask is needed for any given situation.

We wear the masks because we are afraid. We are afraid that if people saw or knew the real person inside, maybe we would be rejected, ridiculed, abused or judged. But maybe we would really be loved, accepted and adored.

♥ Because that is what love does ♥

Open the cages in your soul and let the pain and hurt escape. Put away your masks and allow the beauty of your true self to shine. Revel in your different-ness and allow other people the same courtesy.

♥ Because that is what love does ♥

Passionate regards….Brenda

I have been reading ‘The Shack’ by Wm. Paul Young. I am not a religious person but my sister-in-law sent it to me and I am always open to reading a good story. To tell you the truth I have been a little surprised by this book. The insights he comes up with are fascinating.

The one that really struck me yesterday when I was reading was that woman had to be hidden in man and at the right time removed from man. This was to create the circle of relationship between men and women. If woman did not come from man and had the ability to birth all, she would be all powerful over man. “We want male and female to be counterparts, face-to-face equals, each unique and different, distinctive in gender but complementary, and each empowered uniquely…”

How beautiful is that! Like I said, great insights.

Farther in the book, he goes on to say, “It’s simple, Mack. It’s all about relationships and simply sharing life….and being open and available to others around us….life is all about relationships.”

I almost cried when I read this. Ya know, people would always comment on Ole and I and how great we were together. As true as I am writing this, people always noticed the love and the strength in our relationship. And this is exactly what it is all about.

Being open and available to the people around us.

Ole and I were always there for each other. We shared life with each other. When we first met we would talk on the phone at least once a day and sometimes two for an hour at a time. He would call me in Yukon, Canada or I would call him in Denmark. Neither place had any kind of long distance plans but it didn’t matter. It would have been worse to not talk than have the money we spent on phone bills.

And after we were together and married, we were always there for each other. If he needed help with collecting firewood, I would go. It was wonderful being out there with him. If I needed help in my salon, he would come and wash hair and answer phones.

I was learning how to apply fake nails made from linen. I need a hand to practice on. Ole was there for me. It was not a manly thing to do, having false nails put on. But it didn’t bother him. We had more fun doing silly things than I can tell. We were both open to try and experience new things with each other.

There is NOTHING we would not have done for each other.

We had a great relationship because we were available to each other, open and honest and most of all, LOVING. I miss those moments of sharing, exploring, being available and loving. Thank heavens I have my memories.

Just imagine for a minute if your closest friend was never available to you. You didn’t go out to lunch together. She didn’t have time to talk your troubles out or just go have a coffee. He didn’t want to go see a movie with you. It wouldn’t be long and you would be looking for a new friend.

It runs true in relationships also. It doesn’t matter if you have kids or a high power, high pressure job. It doesn’t matter that you both have a million different interests. Couples need to make the time to be available to each other or eventually the relationship goes south.

Maybe that is why there are so many break-ups. Maybe people don’t really want to be available to each other. Then they are not vulnerable and will not be hurt so deeply.

There is nothing on this earth that I loved more than my husband. And I believe he felt the same about me. I miss being available for him. I miss the laughing, hugging, secret smiles, arguing and most of all the love we shared.

The pain in my heart from loosing him runs deeper than I have ever felt before. I will never ‘get over’ this. Just a different life now. I don’t remember who said it but the gist of it was, if you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain you will never be able to feel the joy.

Take the chance to hurt deeply. Allow yourself to be available in your relationships. Life is short. Sharing your life with the person you love is the greatest gift. Jump in with both feet and all your heart.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I was just reading an article on minimalist lifestyle that a fellow twitter, @RobLear posted the link to. You can read the article here if you are interested http://is.gd/2m12u

It made me think about relationships and the all the stuff we do that just ‘fills’ a day. How much of it REALLY counts?I am not saying we should take our relationships to a minimalist exisitance but that we CAN become aware of what we do in our relationships that really produce wonderful results.

For instance, a kiss. How many times do you just peck your partner upon waking, saying good-bye or a greeting peck-kiss? Yes, this does impart affection but imagine if you took your lover in your arms before you left for work and made that kiss count.

Imagine passion enveloping the both of you in that kiss. Your eyes meeting, the tenderness of your embrace, the anticipation of your lips joining…sigh. Then…you KISS. You hold each other and fall passionately in love all over again for that 2 minutes you decided to Make Everything You Do Count.

Now imagine returning home. Your lover will be waiting for you, anticipating what comes next. You will be anxious to get home to hold your darling once more and dive into that feeling of love and bliss.  You made that kiss count. How beautiful that a kiss can open hearts to feel so much.

But what about in the other areas of your life together. Ole and I heard couples talk about how one would do most of the household chores while the other turned a blind eye. It can build into a real problem for some people to the point of huge arguments.

If you are reading this and nodding your head in agreement you are either the one doing the chores or the one that is being yelled at for being lazy. So what is the solution…Make Everything You Do Count! And I don’t mean this in a ‘get brownie points’ kind of way.

If you are the person that is doing the chores and most likely the yelling, stop for a moment and ask what you can do different in this situation. Some people just expect that the other person will see you picking up and cleaning the house and join in. That could be a dream you are living in…yes?

Go to your partner and tell them you are feeling a little amourous but the house is putting a damper on your mood. If your lover would help with the household chores, you could enjoy some love-time together after. And with their help, it won’t take so long. Of course this is a bribe but what a delicious reward.

Your love-time could be anything that makes you both feel connected and wonderful and totally loved and in-love. You can snuggle on the couch, watch a movie, go for a walk and hold hands, talk, make love, sit in the car and make out, watch the sunset. You decide but make it count. Don’t set a time limit. Just let your love flow and your hearts open.

Now, the person that is usually the recipient of the anger and accusations of being lazy…Make Everything You Do Count! Get off your butt and help. I know it is easy to get lost in a project and completely loose focus of the outside world. But you have to open your sights a bit. It’s Saturday and that is the day the house gets cleaned but you sit at your latest project and poof! The world disappears.

Before you go to that project or the tv or out to the garage, go to your sweety and say you would like to help with the Saturday chores so that you have more time to be together after. Or that you both can enjoy your projects when things are done.

Back to the first person…be patient. Your lover may not do or clean the way you do but they are giving their best. So be happy they are helping. No critisizing or complaining. Offer suggestions how they can achieve better results. Make Everything You Do Count!

Back to the second person…understand that your lover is not critisizing you. There are some things we are good at and some we are not. So take the advise and run with it. Learn from the master so to speak. Make Everything You Do Count!

Ole would help me around house. In the beginning I would get riled up because he didn’t do things the way I wanted or whatever. But then I realised at least he was helping. So if there was a specific way I wanted something done,  I would ask him to do it like such and such. No yelling. No demanding. No making him feel upset or sad. And the same went for him when I was helping him.

We LOVED being together. Didn’t matter if we were cleaning house or collecting firewood or watching a movie, it was great.

Make Everything You Do Count! You don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I just read a joke about a costume party at http://www.comedyfootprint.com/2009/11/halloween-party-surprise/. I am warning you it is a little racy and makes you go EEWWW. But it made me think about how many couples do this and set themselves up for a fight or collapse of their relationship.

Again, this comes back to the ‘How much do you love me? – I am not enough’ mentality. Of course we all want to be loved. That is a given in human nature. And confirmation of this shared loved is wonderful.

But there are some people that play stupid little games with their lover that just sets them up for disappointment and heartache. They ask dumb questions like ‘Do you think he/she is hot? Would you sleep with him/her if you got the chance? Would you tell me about it?’ or ‘What does your dream partner look like to you? What is their personality, style sense, etc.?’ Get the picture?

These people have trouble inside their own skin I think. They don’t feel ‘good enough’ and are looking to their partner to confirm these feelings. Then when the fight or disintegration of the relationship begins, it is not their fault because their partner told them they were not good enough. And this just adds to their own angst and pain.

I worked in a bar for many years and would watch couples play stupid games. Getting drunk and ridiculous and deciding that they are going to show their lover that another man or woman wants them. Dumb game! Who cares if another person thinks you are desirable! What matters most is that your lover, your partner, your husband or wife thinks that you are desirable. The rest absolutely don’t matter.

Games are for kids. And games that are nasty and hurtful are not for anybody. They serve no higher good to those involved. Play games that empower your relationship. And if you are angry with your lover, don’t play any games at all. Talk straight. Be honest and open to clear the destructive feelings inside.

‘When you talk you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’    Ole Poulsen 1973 – 2006

Ole and I played lots of games…card games, board games, computer games. And many wonderful games lovers play, but that is for another day  

Passionate regards….Brenda