I apologize for not writing sooner but I have really been thinking a lot about what it means to have Relationship Safety. And I am sure that is an answer that is unique to each individual.

Relationship Safety is just as I wrote last time, at least for me. Ole gave me so much support in all that I did, in all that WE did. I ALWAYS felt safe with him. I never for a minute thought he would harm me in ANY way. Or not allow me to grow as a person. He encouraged that in me and me in him.

And the person that I grew into from his support was a better version of the person I was before I knew Ole. My confidence grew. I always felt there was nothing we couldn’t do together. There was nothing we couldn’t achieve. There was no problem too big that we could not find a solution to.

Then when he died, my safety net broke. I broke…no I SHATTERED into so many small, tiny pieces. I felt that I would never be a whole person again.

The good part about this is that I am discovering Relationship Safety in myself!

I learn more about the person I have become and am still developing each and every day in all kinds of situations. I am learning that I can feel safe within myself. I can be my own supporter in all of life’s triumphs and tribulations. It is not so much that I am putting the pieces back together but that I am finding new shards of myself that I am building a whole Me with.

Then I started thinking about expanding this Relationship Safety idea out of just my relationship with Ole and myself to those people around me. People that are my close friends and in my immediate family. What Relationship Safety do I have with them?

I have friends that I KNOW would drop what they are doing and help me with whatever I need. I have some family members that will help me as much as they can. Then I have friends that will sympathize with me, but not much more than that. I have no problem with that either.

As for my family, there are some that I have no Relationship Safety at all anymore. Some days I wonder if they even consider that we are still family. But that is their problem. That again comes down to perception. Long story perhaps for another day.

Then I thought about what Relationship Safety do I offer to others? Can they count on me? Can they call me and ask for help? Do they feel that they have some Safety in our relationship?

Did Ole?

I hope Ole felt that. I cannot speak for him on this as this is a totally new thing that we never talked about. But I hope that Ole felt I was there for him in every way possible. I hope Ole knew that no matter what, I was there through thick and thin (not that either of us has ever been on the thin side ). I hope Ole felt SAFE with me.

As for my family and friends, again I cannot speak for them. But if I have to be honest with myself and you as you read this, I think I can step up my game. I think I can give a little more of myself so they will feel safe, supported and that our relationship can grow stronger and that they grow as a person.

There is no greater feeling in the world than feeling love and giving love. I was so blessed to have had Ole in my life even if it was such a short time. All the things I have learned and will continue to learn because of this wonderful amazing man only builds a better version of me so that I can be better for those people in my life that I adore and love.

Relationship Safety is one of those lessons. I would have never thought about this had I not had Ole in my life. I had other relationships and not one of them challenged my thoughts, beliefs and feelings the way Ole has.

So now I am challenging you to think about the Relationship Safety you have with those around you. Do you feel safe, supported and expanded into a better version of you because you have these people in your life? Do you help others grow into a better version of them from the safety and support you give them?

This is something that could change your relationships today if you start thinking about it and how you can apply it to your own life.

May you be able to find, build and expand your own safety nets in the friends and family you hold dear in your hearts. Raise your hearts to build Relationship Safety in all your relationships.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I was at a friend’s 40th birthday party yesterday and had such a huge AHA moment…I miss the Relationship Safety I had with Ole.

I don’t go to many large parties or functions these days. Not because I am anti-social or anything. I have enjoyed many delightful dinners with 2 or 3 couples and me. But I can see myself a little clearer from having attended this party yesterday.

It was a lovely affair with around 50 people or so. Nothing huge where you are not sure if there will be someone you can talk with, but an intimate gathering of family and friends. It was very calm and relaxed. People were enjoying themselves, talking, drinking, eating. It was quite wonderful.

There were several people I knew there that I could talk with and enjoy. The thing was I felt like a fish out of water. I felt so alone inside myself. I felt emotional, nervous, sad and happy at the same time. I felt like I wanted to just come home to the ‘Safety’ of my house and dogs.

As I drove home I was asking myself what was going on with me? I was never one to step away from a good time. I was always the one that could talk to anyone and everyone. I was always the one to laugh loud and have fun. I was always one of the last people to leave because I didn’t want to miss anything. What happened?

I lost the Relationship Safety I had knowing Ole was beside me.

“What does that mean exactly?” I asked myself. It meant I felt totally exposed. I felt like people could see into me and see through me. I felt like there was no back-up if I needed one. Meaning there was no one to just sit with and watch the party unfold. Not having to think about what to say or where I should stand.

I was so shocked as this unravelled in my head as I drove home. I have never been nervous about doing things on my own. I have always been very independent and self assured. Even in our marriage I did many things on my own with Ole’s blessing. So this was somewhat unsettling to say the least.

The Relationship Safety I had with Ole infused every aspect of my life. I had someone that I respected to ask his opinion of things. I had someone to stand beside me not so much to hold me up but to be stronger. I had someone that could calm me with a look. I had everything I needed and wanted wrapped up in this one person.

Maybe I was already thinking along these same lines earlier this week. I work with home care here in Denmark and I was talking with a lady the other day as I helped her put on her support stockings. I said I was having a difficult time deciding if I should buy new doors for my house or not. I am still not sure how long I can be here in Denmark because immigration has not settled my case. So it is wise to spend so much money on a house that I may have to sell?

As our conversation continued with these questions with no absolute answers, she said that this is one of those decisions that it really helps to have two to decide. I agreed whole heartedly.

Yes I can ask his family and friends. Yes I can talk to my family and friends. But when it comes down to the final decision it is only me. I miss the Relationship Safety I had with Ole.

Ole gave me so much strength and support I still feel so much like half a person without him. I thought my inner strength was building more than what I displayed at this party.

I always knew that Ole had my back and I had his. I always knew that he was there for me and with me through thick and thin. I always knew that if I could not see clearly, he would be able to show me a better way. I felt so safe with Ole.

And as I was analysing myself through all this I realised that this is another reason why our relationship was so amazing. The Relationship Safety we had with each other built such a solid foundation for us to grow as a couple and as individuals.

I think this is a topic worth exploring more next week. But in the mean time, think about how much Relationship Safety you have with your mate. What does it mean to you to have Relationship Safety in your relationship?

To be continued….

Passionate regards….Brenda