When Ole died, I had a lot of people tell me I should write down my thoughts and feelings. It would help ease feeling the pain. How could I write the physical pain in my heart away?

To say the least, I didn’t do it. I could barely take care of our 2 dogs and cat. There were days the pain would be so great that it took me forever to go for a 10 minute walk with our dogs. No kidding! The action of putting one foot in front of the other was a huge effort.

But the pain, physical pain that I had in my chest was always there and nothing took it way. I took over the counter pain meds…no change. My doctor had x-rays taken. They showed nothing but the pain persisted. She suggested exercise. Like I said, walking was a chore.

She suggest antidepressants. I don’t know if they would have helped but I could not begin to think about going through this pain again after I went off them. I felt the best treatment for me was to face my feelings and move through them.

The reason I am bringing this up is because I just read an article on the pain people go through when a relationship ends. This article stated that this ‘real and physical’ pain that I felt was actually produced from my head. I guess on one level I knew that but I was hoping for a medical reason that I was hurting so much.

I never really thought about it before but when Ole and I would have an argument and if it wasn’t resolved before we went to bed, what a crappy sleep we both had. Tossing and turning and feeling sad and bad. I can’t say I noticed the pain so much in my chest, only that my heart, head and body hurt.

To understand what I mean, think about the last time you argued with someone you loved. How crappy was the rest of your day? How well did you sleep? How many times did you replay the argument in your mind? Did you eat well, if you did eat, or picked at this, that and other unhealthy food? Or did you eat and eat until your gut was screaming “NO MORE”? How many times were you sitting on the toilet and letting it all out? Or perhaps you held it in and had cramps or headaches.

Our minds have so much effect over how our bodies feel. Amazing to think that our minds can make us believe we have an actual physical pain in our heart when it is broken. But its true.

We all handle upset in our lives differently. Each one of us has to find the way that feels best to get through the difficult times. And that is not always easy to do because when you are going through a rough patch with a friend, family member or lover, you aren’t thinking about what is happening in your body. You focus on what has triggered this crappy feeling.

But I tell ya, when Ole and I did resolve the problem, we both felt SO much better and got back into the flow with our minds, bodies and each other.

I had to feel the pain from Ole’s death to move through it. I know I have learned a lot from this experience. The biggest thing that I learned was that there is nothing worth fighting over. It really is all small stuff.

Feeling the pain after an argument is so useless and harmful. Move through the pain and feel the love flow. Keep the lines of communication wide open. Then you will find the win-win solution and the painful times will be few and far between.

Passionate regards….Brenda

PS – In the article I read they suggested many things to help ease the pain. And a lot of medical and scientific studies to back up their findings. You can check it out for yourself. http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/health-fitness/health/rodale-article.aspx?cp-documentid=23989279

Another great article about heart attack symptoms in relation to a broken heart http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/health-fitness/health/rodale-article.aspx?cp-documentid=23729852

Do you remember the kids rhyme ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but names can never hurt me’? Remember your Mom telling you to say that when the other kids were teasing you? I always felt like I had so much control saying those words but afterwards, I would hear their taunts over and over. And those words cut deep.

This was a huge lesson in our couples seminar. We said that over time, you will forget how much the physical pain hurt. Think about it! The last time you stubbed your toe or hit your elbow, it hurt like hell. You know it did but you can not actually FEEL that pain right now as you remember the incident.

But think about the last time someone stabbed your heart with words. You can feel that pain as real right now as it was when it happened. Words and names CAN hurt you over and over again.

I remember one day when I was around 13 or 14 years old. I don’t if it was teenage hormones or what but just as we were sitting down to eat supper my Dad said to me, “Oh don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud.” It was within context to the conversation that was rolling around the table. He didn’t say it to be mean or hurtful. My Dad wasn’t like that.

But like I say, it could have been teenage hormones and I lost it. I got upset, started crying and stormed off to my room. I can still see my poor Pop. He was totally shocked, bewildered and confused as to what just happened. And there was no way I could have explained it to him as I didn’t know myself.

I know there are times when something is said and it is taken totally out of context. The meaning and manner is totally misunderstood. Friend A says something and only meant it in fun while Friend B takes it at face value and feels the sting of the words deep in their being.

The worst part is, that when this happens, Friend B gets angry and decides not to talk with Friend A again. The hurt Friend A delivered was too much and Friend B will with-hold their friendship to get back at them for saying such a nasty thing. At least until they get an appology from Friend A.

In this case, Friend A probably doesn’t even know they said something wrong. Then they get confused about why Friend B is avoiding them. Then they get angy and won’t call Friend B until they warm up and call first. Nasty cycle to get into.

But there are times when a sting is delivered to hurt. There are times when two people are arguing and they say nasty things, hurtful things, things that could destroy the relationship they have with each other.

Ole and I never called each other names. We never belittled each other when we were arguing. We never put blame on the other or pointed the finger. God’s honest truth! We argued but not to hurt the other. We argued our point, our belief or to find resolution to a problem.

I am not a pyschologist and can not begin to understand why people do this. Ole and I had our ups and downs but he was the man I loved and wanted to spend forever with. It made no sense to me to attack him in such a way. It made no sense to me to make him feel less-than or to put the blame on him for our problems. We both felt this way. We just didn’t see that this was useful in our marriage.

Sure we teased each other. But there is a line between teasing and saying something nasty with a smile to rub an open wound with a little bit of salt. And if a misunderstanding arose, we delt with it right then and there. Or at least when we were alone with each other to discuss freely what happened.

These days, we hear so much about Law of Attraction and your thoughts create your life. But maybe we forget this includes what we say too. We hear so much about we have to be aware what we put into our mouths when we eat but we should pay just as much attention to what comes out of our mouths when we speak.

“When you talk you get understanding, and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”                                         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Be kind in your words, deeds and actions. Life is short.

Passionate regards….Brenda