I apologize for not writing sooner but I have really been thinking a lot about what it means to have Relationship Safety. And I am sure that is an answer that is unique to each individual.

Relationship Safety is just as I wrote last time, at least for me. Ole gave me so much support in all that I did, in all that WE did. I ALWAYS felt safe with him. I never for a minute thought he would harm me in ANY way. Or not allow me to grow as a person. He encouraged that in me and me in him.

And the person that I grew into from his support was a better version of the person I was before I knew Ole. My confidence grew. I always felt there was nothing we couldn’t do together. There was nothing we couldn’t achieve. There was no problem too big that we could not find a solution to.

Then when he died, my safety net broke. I broke…no I SHATTERED into so many small, tiny pieces. I felt that I would never be a whole person again.

The good part about this is that I am discovering Relationship Safety in myself!

I learn more about the person I have become and am still developing each and every day in all kinds of situations. I am learning that I can feel safe within myself. I can be my own supporter in all of life’s triumphs and tribulations. It is not so much that I am putting the pieces back together but that I am finding new shards of myself that I am building a whole Me with.

Then I started thinking about expanding this Relationship Safety idea out of just my relationship with Ole and myself to those people around me. People that are my close friends and in my immediate family. What Relationship Safety do I have with them?

I have friends that I KNOW would drop what they are doing and help me with whatever I need. I have some family members that will help me as much as they can. Then I have friends that will sympathize with me, but not much more than that. I have no problem with that either.

As for my family, there are some that I have no Relationship Safety at all anymore. Some days I wonder if they even consider that we are still family. But that is their problem. That again comes down to perception. Long story perhaps for another day.

Then I thought about what Relationship Safety do I offer to others? Can they count on me? Can they call me and ask for help? Do they feel that they have some Safety in our relationship?

Did Ole?

I hope Ole felt that. I cannot speak for him on this as this is a totally new thing that we never talked about. But I hope that Ole felt I was there for him in every way possible. I hope Ole knew that no matter what, I was there through thick and thin (not that either of us has ever been on the thin side ). I hope Ole felt SAFE with me.

As for my family and friends, again I cannot speak for them. But if I have to be honest with myself and you as you read this, I think I can step up my game. I think I can give a little more of myself so they will feel safe, supported and that our relationship can grow stronger and that they grow as a person.

There is no greater feeling in the world than feeling love and giving love. I was so blessed to have had Ole in my life even if it was such a short time. All the things I have learned and will continue to learn because of this wonderful amazing man only builds a better version of me so that I can be better for those people in my life that I adore and love.

Relationship Safety is one of those lessons. I would have never thought about this had I not had Ole in my life. I had other relationships and not one of them challenged my thoughts, beliefs and feelings the way Ole has.

So now I am challenging you to think about the Relationship Safety you have with those around you. Do you feel safe, supported and expanded into a better version of you because you have these people in your life? Do you help others grow into a better version of them from the safety and support you give them?

This is something that could change your relationships today if you start thinking about it and how you can apply it to your own life.

May you be able to find, build and expand your own safety nets in the friends and family you hold dear in your hearts. Raise your hearts to build Relationship Safety in all your relationships.

Passionate regards….Brenda

People get really nervous at the thought of changes in their lives. Who would I be if I changed this and that about myself? How would other people react to me after I change? What else will change in my life if I …? Why should I change? If the other person would only change then things would be much better.

We heard this in our seminars and many times when I was a hairdresser. I had clients tell me that their future husband will change. They know their man won’t drink so much, hit them anymore, stop screwing around with other people after the wedding. They know their future wife will get better handling money, quite being so angry, treat them better after they are married.

What a load of hogwash. Just because a person gets married does not mean they WILL change. Marriage does not wash a couple in magic dust and proclaim, “Now you are husband and wife. You will drop all your bad, annoying, nasty, unfaithful habits and live happily-ever-after.”

I told my clients straight out that there was no way this person was going to become their ideal mate just because you will have the big white wedding. If nothing else, the habits will show up more.

Ole and I always taught the people at our seminars that if the love in your relationship hurts, maybe you are not in the right relationship. We didn’t mean these people should split up but they did have a choice.

As a couple, they could choose to work on the dark side of themselves and become a more loving partner to each other or they could talk about the consequences of staying the same as they are now.

Of course there were things both Ole and I wanted the other to change when we got married. Some things were small and some things not so small. For instance, I hate when someone chews with their mouth open. Drives me crazy. And Ole would do that. He was loving enough and could see this could turn into a REAL issue if he continued, so he quit. Thank heavens

It drove him crazy I could not focus on one topic for very long. When we would be working on something, I would think of something else and jump up to go do it. It could have been the laundry, make a cake, call a friend. He would get so upset with me that I would not just do the work at hand.

I made a concentrated effort to focus myself on whatever project we were working on at the moment. Even if that meant we agreed to a specific amount of time we would work,  I was committed to the project and him. I was willing to change to have a better life with Ole.

I have seen some of these silly reality shows where they do some big transformation of a person and take them from a street urchin to a princess. What I always found strange was that there were so many that said “I am not changing for anyone. If they don’t like me, too bad for them.” Why did they come on this show then if they didn’t want to change?

When it comes to bettering yourself and especially a change that could make your relationship more peaceful and loving, why wouldn’t you change?

Change has a bad reputation. People are afraid of change because they don’t know what will happen next. But what if the changes bring more love, peace and joy in your relationship. Wasn’t it worth it?

I was reading my journal from when we were first married. I laughed at the silly little things we did and thought about how much we both had changed in our 9 years together. We always looked for ways to grow personally and together as a couple. 

Embrace the changes in yourself. There is a certain excitement that comes with those changes. Be the best you can be! As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

And remember, this is VERY important, You Only Have the Power To Change Yourself and No One Else.

Go for it!

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN YOUR WORLD!

Passionate regards….Brenda