I am going to start this post with a short video. You may have even seen it before but it shows how powerful your words are and how important it is to formulate what you want to say in the best way possible. It is less than 2 minutes and VERY powerful!

 
Are you wondering what that has to do with me and Ole? Everything!

We talked to each other a lot. We would ALWAYS end our day with a good talk in bed. We would connect each night this way on what happened and how we were feeling about what was going on in our lives.

Was this important? YOU BET! There are far too many couples that lose touch with each other because they don’t talk. They let the kids, their jobs, the families, their hobbies, their friends, and all the other things life consists of get in the way of being CONNECTED and TOGETHER. 

Just because 2 people live together does not mean they are communicating on a regular basis. Oh sure they do the “How was your day? What did you do? Did you pick up the milk? Will you get the kids today?” And so it goes. 

But they never get into the meat and potatoes of their relationship and find out what is happening in their hearts, minds and souls. This is where relationships are built and this is where a relationship grows stronger.

Think back to this little video you just watched. What did you FEEL when you watched it? Take a minute and do this. You might find out you haven’t been checking in with yourself either. So take a minute and think about what you felt as you watched this video.

I have watched this video several times and I get teary each time. The Power of Words….amazing isn’t it!

Maybe the reason why it touches me so deeply is because I know my words were not always so kind. I know I have hurt people deeply with things I have said in the heat of a moment. And once those words are expressed, there is no going back. You can apologize as many times as you want but the words still hang in the air. Even if the person you said them to forgives and forgets, you never do.

What I am suggesting is just be aware of how you talk to each other and other people in general. Notice the tone of your voice and the words you use. You can still ask your sweetheart, “How are you?”. But the way you ask will give it a whole new meaning showing them that you are truly interested in what their answer will be.

Choose your words wisely. They are the building blocks to a romantic, wonderful life with your partner that you never dreamed possible. Make sure the words you use come from your heart and not that place where you think “This is what they want to hear.”…because that place is empty. Those words hold no weight and can be blown away along with your sincerity and the trust of your partner.

The Power of Words! Words can destroy quicker than the blink of an eye. But just by taking a second to think before you speak, your words can also build a beautiful, loving amazing experience.

Passionate regards….Brenda

There has been such a great response to my post Games People Play, I thought I would expand on it. So let’s explore The Silent Treatment. I am an expert at this one!

There are many silly little games we play with our lovers, friends and family and this one is a classic. Rules of the game are as follows:

1. Someone pisses you off so you withhold all forms of verbal communication .

2. You may communicate your anger and crankiness with disapproving looks, scowls, and snarly facial gestures.

3. You many not break the silence until you feel the receiver has suffered enough from the painful absence of your sweet voice and loving nature. Very important rule!

4. When you do break your silence, it is with full volume and speed. All that pent-up anger is allowed to come out with the force of a hurricane. Don’t hold anything back.

5. Accept apologies and allow the receiver to kiss your butt.

Isn’t this the rules of The Silent Treatment game? Yeah, whatever…

As I said, I am an expert at this game. I was trained by one of the best…my Mom! She would get angry over something and not talk for days. In the mean while, we would try and figure out what she was upset about. When we thought we had a hit we would ask her. She would just stare us down, toss her head and walk away.

I remember one particular time, Mom had not spoken to Dad or me in over 5 days. It was getting to be a bit silly. Dad and I were trying to figure out what she was angry over and we started to laugh. THEN Mom was really cranky. But at least she started talking to us. Alas, this was not the first or the last time we played this game.

Being a product of your environment, I too played The Silent Treatment game. With my family, friends and with Ole. That first year of marriage was such a great learning tool in so many ways. But it was the hardest year we spent together.

I have said in the past when you are angry to walk away and come back in 20 minutes or an hour when you have calmed down. Then you can talk more rationally and not out of anger. That is not the Silent Treatment. That is defusing a bomb and marriage management.

Nothing is solved when you don’t talk. What happens is there is distance created between you and the other person. If left long enough, this distance becomes greater and more difficult to cross over. Then you are left alone and hurt and still angry.

But the answers come when you can talk about what is troubling you in a calm manner. Absolutely the anger can still be there when you talk but by allowing yourself time to be still inside, you can communicate better about the problem.

I am the youngest and my sister is 16 years older than me with 5 boys in-between us. I loved our family. Well I still do but I miss having a family. We had so much fun together and when the grand kids started coming, it was wonderful.

I don’t know what happened. It has been so many YEARS since one has spoken to another and so on and so on. I keep asking my family to have an intervention. Yes, it has come to that. But they won’t have any part of it. How sad is that? The Silent Treatment game has produced a riff the size of the Grand Canyon in my family.

Is it my Mom’s fault? No! I am sure she learned to communicate this way from someone else. And, as with the rest of my family, they have never explored other ways to express their anger and problems. The Silent Treatment is their game of choice. They have gotten used to the pain and learned to live within its boundaries.

What I was very grateful for was that I woke up and realized that it is not a useful game to play with my husband or anyone else for that matter. It solved nothing. It only added to the problem and created a chasm between us.

I thank the heavens that I/we overcame playing such a stupid game. I have never in my life been so close to another person. There were times when we would hug that Ole and I could literally feel our bodies melting into each others and we were one entity.

THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING!

Do you think we would have experienced this if I would have continued to play The Silent Treatment game? I think not.

“When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Keep your lines of communication open and clear. The connection you will have with your lover, friends and family will be such a reward.

Then you really will have won the game.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I saw the greatest commercial while watching the Grey Cup yesterday. A woman was talking about how much sports her and her husband watch. How they started watching football and hockey and then they began to watch so much sports on TV that they were watching darts.

Then she says ‘Then my husband found Viagra…we don’t watch sports anymore!’

I loved it! It was so honest and I could absolutely relate. Ole and I didn’t watch sports. He didn’t like them and I really only liked watching the CFL when Saskatchewan Rough Riders play. But there were times when we would get involved in a project and loose our perspective, if I can put it that way.

And we heard others tell us that in our couples seminars how everyday life interferes with their love life. They get caught up in kids and jobs and social activies and housework and everything else that a life is built around. Then they forget to make love. They are too tired or preoccupied.

I am not suggesting that Viagra is the answer, although for some it may be. I am saying we have to remember to love that wonderful ’other’ in our life. We have to take the time to snuggle and kiss and make love. I mean MAKE LOVE, not a quickie 15 minute jump.

When you kiss each other goodbye, do you peck or do you KISS? Do you hold each other and loose yourself in your lover’s eyes and feel the passion in your heart and love muscles? Hold each other for a full 2 or 3 minutes, then release with hearts open and streaming the love that flows between you?

Love is like a delicate plant. We have to feed it and water it and pay attention to it or it will die. It is vulnerable. And it is strong. It is the giver of life and purpose. Love is the MOST amazing feeling there is in this human existence. You can change the world with love. But we must nurture it or it withers, fades and dies.

Be conscious of your love. Do the little things that make this delicate plant grow into a strong and mighty tree with roots that run forever deep and forever long. Take the time to hold each other and say ‘I love you’ with passion and feeling and meaning.

Love is not about sex. Love is about MAKING LOVE. Sex is a part of this but not all of it. Hold your lover. Talk to your lover. Grow your own forest from this one delicate little sprig of love.

‘When you talk you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’    Ole Poulsen 1973 – 2006

Let the peace of understanding grow a magnificent love in your life. There will always be something to do, kids to watch and jobs to go to.

But without love, it is all really very empty.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I read a blog post today that really got me thinking. It is Colin Daymude’s Blog with the post How do you know you are getting your message accross? 

I immediately thought of the many times Ole and I would listen to couples talk about some of the difficulties they were having and this is one of them we heard often. They just EXPECT their partner of however many months or years to ‘just know’ what they are thinking, wanting, and anticipating. When the partner doesn’t deliver the desired response, the fight is on.

As a general rule, people are not mind readers. Absolutely we can anticipate a desire or thought that someone close to us may have and act on it. Then they are so impressed because you ‘just knew’ what they wanted. But that does take work and being present in the moment and learning this other person.

Then the next time we don’t respond as expected, tempers flare and that loving feeling gets thrown out with the bath water. Our expectations are so high in relationships that many times we are disappointed because the other person was not ‘in the know’ with their lover.

Early on in our relationship I learned that just because Ole didn’t know I wanted a cookie when he went to the kitchen didn’t mean he loved me less. If I didn’t tell him I wanted a cookie, why would he think I did?

We make up stupid little tests in our minds to see how much the other person loves us. Then when they fail it is because they don’t love you ENOUGH. Which in turn just adds another brick to the wall people tend to build around themselves when they are disappointed. With each disappointment comes another brick. In no time we have a fortress built and the relationship crumbles. Which in turn, reaffirms that they just didn’t love you enough.

Vicious cycle to say the least.

We have been taught to not ask for what we want. When we were children, we learn it is impolite to ask for the cookie when we visit. We must wait for the cookie to be offered or given to us.

That doesn’t work in relationships. Any relationships. Tell the other person what you want, expect and desire. Then they can tell you if they can grant your request or not. You have put yourself out there clear and concise. No guessing involved. No unintentionally hurt feelings. No misunderstandings.

Ole was a very wise man. I learned so much from him and I am never-ending proud of his ideas and wisom. He had a saying…

‘When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’ – Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Yes it is really a simple idea but VERY POWERFUL in relationships. Think of how many misunderstandings could have been avoided if we just took the time to talk and find peace.

Passionate regards…Brenda