I am going to start this post with a short video. You may have even seen it before but it shows how powerful your words are and how important it is to formulate what you want to say in the best way possible. It is less than 2 minutes and VERY powerful!

 
Are you wondering what that has to do with me and Ole? Everything!

We talked to each other a lot. We would ALWAYS end our day with a good talk in bed. We would connect each night this way on what happened and how we were feeling about what was going on in our lives.

Was this important? YOU BET! There are far too many couples that lose touch with each other because they don’t talk. They let the kids, their jobs, the families, their hobbies, their friends, and all the other things life consists of get in the way of being CONNECTED and TOGETHER. 

Just because 2 people live together does not mean they are communicating on a regular basis. Oh sure they do the “How was your day? What did you do? Did you pick up the milk? Will you get the kids today?” And so it goes. 

But they never get into the meat and potatoes of their relationship and find out what is happening in their hearts, minds and souls. This is where relationships are built and this is where a relationship grows stronger.

Think back to this little video you just watched. What did you FEEL when you watched it? Take a minute and do this. You might find out you haven’t been checking in with yourself either. So take a minute and think about what you felt as you watched this video.

I have watched this video several times and I get teary each time. The Power of Words….amazing isn’t it!

Maybe the reason why it touches me so deeply is because I know my words were not always so kind. I know I have hurt people deeply with things I have said in the heat of a moment. And once those words are expressed, there is no going back. You can apologize as many times as you want but the words still hang in the air. Even if the person you said them to forgives and forgets, you never do.

What I am suggesting is just be aware of how you talk to each other and other people in general. Notice the tone of your voice and the words you use. You can still ask your sweetheart, “How are you?”. But the way you ask will give it a whole new meaning showing them that you are truly interested in what their answer will be.

Choose your words wisely. They are the building blocks to a romantic, wonderful life with your partner that you never dreamed possible. Make sure the words you use come from your heart and not that place where you think “This is what they want to hear.”…because that place is empty. Those words hold no weight and can be blown away along with your sincerity and the trust of your partner.

The Power of Words! Words can destroy quicker than the blink of an eye. But just by taking a second to think before you speak, your words can also build a beautiful, loving amazing experience.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Do you remember the kids rhyme ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but names can never hurt me’? Remember your Mom telling you to say that when the other kids were teasing you? I always felt like I had so much control saying those words but afterwards, I would hear their taunts over and over. And those words cut deep.

This was a huge lesson in our couples seminar. We said that over time, you will forget how much the physical pain hurt. Think about it! The last time you stubbed your toe or hit your elbow, it hurt like hell. You know it did but you can not actually FEEL that pain right now as you remember the incident.

But think about the last time someone stabbed your heart with words. You can feel that pain as real right now as it was when it happened. Words and names CAN hurt you over and over again.

I remember one day when I was around 13 or 14 years old. I don’t if it was teenage hormones or what but just as we were sitting down to eat supper my Dad said to me, “Oh don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud.” It was within context to the conversation that was rolling around the table. He didn’t say it to be mean or hurtful. My Dad wasn’t like that.

But like I say, it could have been teenage hormones and I lost it. I got upset, started crying and stormed off to my room. I can still see my poor Pop. He was totally shocked, bewildered and confused as to what just happened. And there was no way I could have explained it to him as I didn’t know myself.

I know there are times when something is said and it is taken totally out of context. The meaning and manner is totally misunderstood. Friend A says something and only meant it in fun while Friend B takes it at face value and feels the sting of the words deep in their being.

The worst part is, that when this happens, Friend B gets angry and decides not to talk with Friend A again. The hurt Friend A delivered was too much and Friend B will with-hold their friendship to get back at them for saying such a nasty thing. At least until they get an appology from Friend A.

In this case, Friend A probably doesn’t even know they said something wrong. Then they get confused about why Friend B is avoiding them. Then they get angy and won’t call Friend B until they warm up and call first. Nasty cycle to get into.

But there are times when a sting is delivered to hurt. There are times when two people are arguing and they say nasty things, hurtful things, things that could destroy the relationship they have with each other.

Ole and I never called each other names. We never belittled each other when we were arguing. We never put blame on the other or pointed the finger. God’s honest truth! We argued but not to hurt the other. We argued our point, our belief or to find resolution to a problem.

I am not a pyschologist and can not begin to understand why people do this. Ole and I had our ups and downs but he was the man I loved and wanted to spend forever with. It made no sense to me to attack him in such a way. It made no sense to me to make him feel less-than or to put the blame on him for our problems. We both felt this way. We just didn’t see that this was useful in our marriage.

Sure we teased each other. But there is a line between teasing and saying something nasty with a smile to rub an open wound with a little bit of salt. And if a misunderstanding arose, we delt with it right then and there. Or at least when we were alone with each other to discuss freely what happened.

These days, we hear so much about Law of Attraction and your thoughts create your life. But maybe we forget this includes what we say too. We hear so much about we have to be aware what we put into our mouths when we eat but we should pay just as much attention to what comes out of our mouths when we speak.

“When you talk you get understanding, and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”                                         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Be kind in your words, deeds and actions. Life is short.

Passionate regards….Brenda

There has been such a great response to my post Games People Play, I thought I would expand on it. So let’s explore The Silent Treatment. I am an expert at this one!

There are many silly little games we play with our lovers, friends and family and this one is a classic. Rules of the game are as follows:

1. Someone pisses you off so you withhold all forms of verbal communication .

2. You may communicate your anger and crankiness with disapproving looks, scowls, and snarly facial gestures.

3. You many not break the silence until you feel the receiver has suffered enough from the painful absence of your sweet voice and loving nature. Very important rule!

4. When you do break your silence, it is with full volume and speed. All that pent-up anger is allowed to come out with the force of a hurricane. Don’t hold anything back.

5. Accept apologies and allow the receiver to kiss your butt.

Isn’t this the rules of The Silent Treatment game? Yeah, whatever…

As I said, I am an expert at this game. I was trained by one of the best…my Mom! She would get angry over something and not talk for days. In the mean while, we would try and figure out what she was upset about. When we thought we had a hit we would ask her. She would just stare us down, toss her head and walk away.

I remember one particular time, Mom had not spoken to Dad or me in over 5 days. It was getting to be a bit silly. Dad and I were trying to figure out what she was angry over and we started to laugh. THEN Mom was really cranky. But at least she started talking to us. Alas, this was not the first or the last time we played this game.

Being a product of your environment, I too played The Silent Treatment game. With my family, friends and with Ole. That first year of marriage was such a great learning tool in so many ways. But it was the hardest year we spent together.

I have said in the past when you are angry to walk away and come back in 20 minutes or an hour when you have calmed down. Then you can talk more rationally and not out of anger. That is not the Silent Treatment. That is defusing a bomb and marriage management.

Nothing is solved when you don’t talk. What happens is there is distance created between you and the other person. If left long enough, this distance becomes greater and more difficult to cross over. Then you are left alone and hurt and still angry.

But the answers come when you can talk about what is troubling you in a calm manner. Absolutely the anger can still be there when you talk but by allowing yourself time to be still inside, you can communicate better about the problem.

I am the youngest and my sister is 16 years older than me with 5 boys in-between us. I loved our family. Well I still do but I miss having a family. We had so much fun together and when the grand kids started coming, it was wonderful.

I don’t know what happened. It has been so many YEARS since one has spoken to another and so on and so on. I keep asking my family to have an intervention. Yes, it has come to that. But they won’t have any part of it. How sad is that? The Silent Treatment game has produced a riff the size of the Grand Canyon in my family.

Is it my Mom’s fault? No! I am sure she learned to communicate this way from someone else. And, as with the rest of my family, they have never explored other ways to express their anger and problems. The Silent Treatment is their game of choice. They have gotten used to the pain and learned to live within its boundaries.

What I was very grateful for was that I woke up and realized that it is not a useful game to play with my husband or anyone else for that matter. It solved nothing. It only added to the problem and created a chasm between us.

I thank the heavens that I/we overcame playing such a stupid game. I have never in my life been so close to another person. There were times when we would hug that Ole and I could literally feel our bodies melting into each others and we were one entity.

THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING!

Do you think we would have experienced this if I would have continued to play The Silent Treatment game? I think not.

“When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Keep your lines of communication open and clear. The connection you will have with your lover, friends and family will be such a reward.

Then you really will have won the game.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I read a blog post today that really got me thinking. It is Colin Daymude’s Blog with the post How do you know you are getting your message accross? 

I immediately thought of the many times Ole and I would listen to couples talk about some of the difficulties they were having and this is one of them we heard often. They just EXPECT their partner of however many months or years to ‘just know’ what they are thinking, wanting, and anticipating. When the partner doesn’t deliver the desired response, the fight is on.

As a general rule, people are not mind readers. Absolutely we can anticipate a desire or thought that someone close to us may have and act on it. Then they are so impressed because you ‘just knew’ what they wanted. But that does take work and being present in the moment and learning this other person.

Then the next time we don’t respond as expected, tempers flare and that loving feeling gets thrown out with the bath water. Our expectations are so high in relationships that many times we are disappointed because the other person was not ‘in the know’ with their lover.

Early on in our relationship I learned that just because Ole didn’t know I wanted a cookie when he went to the kitchen didn’t mean he loved me less. If I didn’t tell him I wanted a cookie, why would he think I did?

We make up stupid little tests in our minds to see how much the other person loves us. Then when they fail it is because they don’t love you ENOUGH. Which in turn just adds another brick to the wall people tend to build around themselves when they are disappointed. With each disappointment comes another brick. In no time we have a fortress built and the relationship crumbles. Which in turn, reaffirms that they just didn’t love you enough.

Vicious cycle to say the least.

We have been taught to not ask for what we want. When we were children, we learn it is impolite to ask for the cookie when we visit. We must wait for the cookie to be offered or given to us.

That doesn’t work in relationships. Any relationships. Tell the other person what you want, expect and desire. Then they can tell you if they can grant your request or not. You have put yourself out there clear and concise. No guessing involved. No unintentionally hurt feelings. No misunderstandings.

Ole was a very wise man. I learned so much from him and I am never-ending proud of his ideas and wisom. He had a saying…

‘When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’ – Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Yes it is really a simple idea but VERY POWERFUL in relationships. Think of how many misunderstandings could have been avoided if we just took the time to talk and find peace.

Passionate regards…Brenda