How many of you have ever felt lonely and yet you were in a relationship? I know I have felt that. It was desperate times I tell ya. I think there are more people than will admit that they have felt lonely in love.

I just watched a fascinating interview that Brian Vaszily had with Dr. John Cacioppo who is the Director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at The University of Chicago. Loneliness is crippling our lives, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Dr. Cacioppo talked about how our physical body reacts to feeling lonely, how our social contacts react to our loneliness and what the symptoms and causes of being lonely are. It was an eye opener!

I saw myself in his descriptions. I saw family members in his words. Loneliness is a ‘silent killer’  as Brian put it. It can physically effect you and it can kill your relationship too.

When I was living with this old fart, the longer the relationship went on, the more lonely I became. I withdrew from my friends and social circles. I tried so hard to be connected to this man. But for whatever reason, there was just more space put between us with each day that passed. 

I can remember many times after we would have sex that I would turn over and cry into my pillow. I can’t say we made love because there was no love there. It was a very controlling and mentally abusive relationship. After sex I felt even more empty and lonely that I did before.

But I learned today from watching this interview what happened inside me. I learned more about what I was actually experiencing and why I felt like I did.

In that relationship, I did not feel secure in the fact that I could share my feelings with this man. I could not share my fears, beliefs or goals with him because he would have made fun of me, wouldn’t listen or become angry and abusive. There was no connection on any level so I guess I really have to count myself lucky I saw this early on and left.

That was NOT the case with Ole. We talked about EVERYTHING. There was nothing we would not have said to each other. He knew my deepest fears and desires and I knew his. The quality of our connection is what made our relationship so amazing.

Ole had such a gentle way about him. He got me to open parts of myself that I had never opened before with ANYONE. Ole got me to open my heart fully like I had never done before. I felt safe with Ole. I felt secure with Ole. I FELT LOVE WITH OLE.

After Ole died, there were many people that offered to come over to watch TV with me or just sit with me so I was not lonely. The odd thing was, I wasn’t lonely. BUT I was lonely for Ole.

I was lonely for the connection we had. I was lonely for the feeling I got being with him. I was lonely for his touch, his smell, his voice.

That  sounds kind of contradictory but it’s not. I have never been a lonely type person EVER in my life. I have always been very comfortable in my skin and with who I am. I think that is why being lonely in that past relationship was so hard. I didn’t understand this feeling of being lonely let alone in a relationship.

Then, when I met Ole, I absolutely felt complete. I felt like the bit of me that wasn’t there before, that bit I never knew was missing, had been found. I LOVED to be with Ole. I LOVED talking with him about the deeper questions in life as well as the frivolous daily banter. There was nothing off limits with Ole. 

So when Ole died, a part of ME died also. And I was lonely for that part. I still am but I am learning to live and cope with each new day as every day is the same, but yet, still different.

Being lonely in love is the worst feeling. I really don’t have any set answer for this problem only that you know what feels good for you and you should focus and act on that feeling.

I just knew, that if I stayed in that past relationship I would have physically died. My loneliness was killing me. I could feel that in my heart.

I would recommend this interview to everyone. Not only for yourself but for those around you that may need some help to feel that quality, personal connection to help erase their loneliness.

Here is the link  http://www.intenseexperiences.com/loneliness-help.html

Passionate regards….Brenda