What causes you pleasure and pain in your relationship? I think we all know what brings us enormous amounts of pleasure in our relationship. But what about the pain half of the equation?

I agree that arguing with our better-half is a painful experience. I agree that being insensitive to your lover or them to you is painful. I agree that breaking up is maybe the most painful, short of actual physical pain.

I think that in many relationships there comes at least one time, the thought of ending the relationship. I have experienced that.

Our first year was difficult. The ‘honeymoon phase’ is a myth for many couples I believe. I had read so many times that this is the first phase of your marriage. Not ours I tell ya!

Ole and I both had strong ideas, opinions and needs when we became a couple. We both wanted different things perhaps. By that I mean where we wanted to grow and what we wanted to accomplish as a couple. It was very difficult for both us to have some of our needs met and this caused problems.

I can remember thinking I can’t go on this way. All we did was argue. At least that’s what it felt  at that moment. Then I would think about leaving and just getting out of this bad situation.

I would think about where I would live. What would I do for a job? I would think about what would Ole do? He was in a foreign country. He spoke excellent English but he didn’t know all the laws and rules land. What would happen to him?

That caused me a lot of pain. But the worst was yet to come. I would begin thinking about not waking up with him everyday. I would think about not laughing with him and not making love to him. I would think about not having him next to me to talk to when ever I wanted.

Then my heart, my pleasure center, would step into the conversation and would ask me “how could you EVER think you would want to live without him?” The anger would instantly stop and I would sob and howl at the thought that I was thinking about leaving my wonderful husband.

This shocking realisation made me think more clearly. Not acting out of my emotions but from my heart and head. I was willing to work through the problems and difficult times. I was willing to change in myself what I had to, to be able to have a better life with Ole. I was committed to our union and the love we shared. We both were.

In that first year, even when times were really hard for us which reflected in how we were handling our relationship, the pleasure I got from being with Ole was greater than the pain of thinking about leaving him. I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I loved him. And still do.

We talked a lot about what troubled us. We cried when we were frustrated and angry. We loved when we found a solution.

When Ole and I first moved back to Denmark, he was working with a company and he was gone from Monday morning until Thursday afternoon. I hated that we were separated like that. He hated it too.

Here I was, in a foreign country and the person I wanted to be with most was not available to me 24 hours everyday. So I watched a lot of movies. The worst were the sappy love stories or romantic comedies. By the end of the movie when the guy gets the girl and they were in each others arms, I was sobbing. Not just crying but SOBBING.

The pain of being away from Ole, even for those few days each week, was horrible. I would sit in our house and all I wanted was to feel his strong arms around me and his soft lips on mine. And yet he was in Copenhagen working and hating it as much as me. At that point, we had no idea how little time we had left together.

The pain of Ole’s death sits in my heart everyday. But the pleasure of having loved him for 9 years and experiencing a love like ours is greater than the pain I feel.

A least most days it is.

Passionate regards….Brenda