It is a wonderful game. I have played it for most my life. Sitting around with friends or family and asking, “What If?” Ole and I would play it when we would drive some place.

• What If money weren’t an issue, what kind of car would you buy and why?
• What If you could live any place in the world, where would it be and why?
• What If you could have any job in the world, what would you do and why?
• What If you could meet any person, living or dead, who would it be and why?
• What If you could make love any place in the world, where would it be and why?

I mean, the list of ‘What If’ questions is a mile long and the conversations that would spring from one question was always a mind opener because we both saw and imagined something different.

We would talk, laugh and explore one fantasy after another. We played it a lot. Sometimes we would be snuggling on the couch and start the game of ‘what if’. Time would fly and we were having fun.

You might be thinking how cute, or how silly, but it is a useful tool. People in business play this game all the time. They try and look at different possibilities or solutions to different problems, products, and advertising. From the amount of consumerism, I would say it works wonders for them.

But I got to thinking, you can definitely use this in your relationship too:

• What if you could have the best possible relationship ever? What would it look like to you…to your partner?
• What if you and your partner could talk about everything openly and honestly without fear of being judged or abused in any form?
• What if you both could talk about what you want from your relationship and each other?
• What if you could share ALL your hopes, dreams and fears without fear of being judged or abused in any form?
• What if you could ask for emotional, physical and spiritual support from your partner?
• What if you could sit together and imagine your best relationship ever?

These are just a FEW of the ways you could play the “What If Up” game in your relationship. When you start playing, you will be able to come up with so many more topics of interest to explore and imagine together to make your Best Relationship Ever come true.

Just playing this game is a first step in that direction. You are opening up your creative minds and exploring other possibilities on many, many topics. As well, you are communicating your wants and needs emotionally, physically and spiritually.

This opens a whole new door in your relationship. You learn to playfully talk with each other about your deepest desires, feelings and needs without pressure on either of you. You get to communicate with your lover on a whole different level.

You get to learn about each other in a different way.

Not only is this fun but you will hear things about your lover that he may not have talked about before. Because this is a game, there is no pressure to say the right thing and there are no expectations. There is no fear that you will say something that will disappoint your sweetheart. It is just a game.

Be adventurous and play the “What If Up” game with your lover. This is for fun. This is to come closer together. This is to connect to each other with out expectations or fear.

So…What If you could have the BEST RELATIONSHIP EVER? What would it look like?

Passionate regards….Brenda

There are many silly little games we play with our lovers, friends and family and this one is a classic. Rules of the game are as follows:

1. Someone pisses you off so you withhold all forms of verbal communication .

2. You may communicate your anger and crankiness with disapproving looks, scowls, and snarly facial gestures.

3. You many not break the silence until you feel the receiver has suffered enough from the painful absence of your sweet voice and loving nature. Very important rule!

4. When you do break your silence, it is with full volume and speed. All that pent-up anger is allowed to come out with the force of a hurricane. Don’t hold anything back.

5. Accept apologies and allow the receiver to kiss your butt.

Isn’t this the rules of The Silent Treatment game? Yeah, whatever…

As I said, I am an expert at this game. I was trained by one of the best…my Mom! She would get angry over something and not talk for days. In the mean while, we would try and figure out what she was upset about. When we thought we had a hit we would ask her. She would just stare us down, toss her head and walk away.

I remember one particular time, Mom had not spoken to Dad or me in over 5 days. It was getting to be a bit silly. Dad and I were trying to figure out what she was angry over and we started to laugh. THEN Mom was really cranky. But at least she started talking to us. Alas, this was not the first or the last time we played this game.

Being a product of your environment, I too played The Silent Treatment game. With my family, friends and with Ole. That first year of marriage was such a great learning tool in so many ways. But it was the hardest year we spent together.

I have said in the past when you are angry to walk away and come back in 20 minutes or an hour when you have calmed down. Then you can talk more rationally and not out of anger. That is not the Silent Treatment. That is defusing a bomb and marriage management.

Nothing is solved when you don’t talk. What happens is there is distance created between you and the other person. If left long enough, this distance becomes greater and more difficult to cross over. Then you are left alone and hurt and still angry.

But the answers come when you can talk about what is troubling you in a calm manner. Absolutely the anger can still be there when you talk but by allowing yourself time to be still inside, you can communicate better about the problem.

I am the youngest and my sister is 16 years older than me with 5 boys in-between us. I loved our family. Well I still do but I miss having a family. We had so much fun together and when the grand kids started coming, it was wonderful.

I don’t know what happened. It has been so many YEARS since one has spoken to another and so on and so on. I keep asking my family to have an intervention. Yes, it has come to that. But they won’t have any part of it. How sad is that? The Silent Treatment game has produced a riff the size of the Grand Canyon in my family.

Is it my Mom’s fault? No! I am sure she learned to communicate this way from someone else. And, as with the rest of my family, they have never explored other ways to express their anger and problems. The Silent Treatment is their game of choice. They have gotten used to the pain and learned to live within its boundaries.

What I was very grateful for was that I woke up and realized that it is not a useful game to play with my husband or anyone else for that matter. It solved nothing. It only added to the problem and created a chasm between us.

I thank the heavens that I/we overcame playing such a stupid game. I have never in my life been so close to another person. There were times when we would hug that Ole and I could literally feel our bodies melting into each others and we were one entity.

THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING!

Do you think we would have experienced this if I would have continued to play The Silent Treatment game? I think not.

“When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Keep your lines of communication open and clear. The connection you will have with your lover, friends and family will be such a reward.

Then you really will have won the game.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Again, this comes back to the ‘How much do you love me? – I am not enough’ mentality. Of course we all want to be loved. That is a given in human nature. And confirmation of this shared loved is wonderful.

But there are some people that play stupid little games with their lover that just sets them up for disappointment and heartache. They ask dumb questions like ‘Do you think he/she is hot? Would you sleep with him/her if you got the chance? Would you tell me about it?’ or ‘What does your dream partner look like to you? What is their personality, style sense, etc.?’ Get the picture?

These people have trouble inside their own skin I think. They don’t feel ‘good enough’ and are looking to their partner to confirm these feelings. Then when the fight or disintegration of the relationship begins, it is not their fault because their partner told them they were not good enough. And this just adds to their own angst and pain.

I worked in a bar for many years and would watch couples play stupid games. Getting drunk and ridiculous and deciding that they are going to show their lover that another man or woman wants them. Dumb game! Who cares if another person thinks you are desirable! What matters most is that your lover, your partner, your husband or wife thinks that you are desirable. The rest absolutely don’t matter.

Games are for kids. And games that are nasty and hurtful are not for anybody. They serve no higher good to those involved. Play games that empower your relationship. And if you are angry with your lover, don’t play any games at all. Talk straight. Be honest and open to clear the destructive feelings inside.

‘When you talk you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’    Ole Poulsen 1973 – 2006

Ole and I played lots of games…card games, board games, computer games. And many wonderful games lovers play, but that is for another day  

Passionate regards….Brenda