I apologize for not writing sooner but I have really been thinking a lot about what it means to have Relationship Safety. And I am sure that is an answer that is unique to each individual.

Relationship Safety is just as I wrote last time, at least for me. Ole gave me so much support in all that I did, in all that WE did. I ALWAYS felt safe with him. I never for a minute thought he would harm me in ANY way. Or not allow me to grow as a person. He encouraged that in me and me in him.

And the person that I grew into from his support was a better version of the person I was before I knew Ole. My confidence grew. I always felt there was nothing we couldn’t do together. There was nothing we couldn’t achieve. There was no problem too big that we could not find a solution to.

Then when he died, my safety net broke. I broke…no I SHATTERED into so many small, tiny pieces. I felt that I would never be a whole person again.

The good part about this is that I am discovering Relationship Safety in myself!

I learn more about the person I have become and am still developing each and every day in all kinds of situations. I am learning that I can feel safe within myself. I can be my own supporter in all of life’s triumphs and tribulations. It is not so much that I am putting the pieces back together but that I am finding new shards of myself that I am building a whole Me with.

Then I started thinking about expanding this Relationship Safety idea out of just my relationship with Ole and myself to those people around me. People that are my close friends and in my immediate family. What Relationship Safety do I have with them?

I have friends that I KNOW would drop what they are doing and help me with whatever I need. I have some family members that will help me as much as they can. Then I have friends that will sympathize with me, but not much more than that. I have no problem with that either.

As for my family, there are some that I have no Relationship Safety at all anymore. Some days I wonder if they even consider that we are still family. But that is their problem. That again comes down to perception. Long story perhaps for another day.

Then I thought about what Relationship Safety do I offer to others? Can they count on me? Can they call me and ask for help? Do they feel that they have some Safety in our relationship?

Did Ole?

I hope Ole felt that. I cannot speak for him on this as this is a totally new thing that we never talked about. But I hope that Ole felt I was there for him in every way possible. I hope Ole knew that no matter what, I was there through thick and thin (not that either of us has ever been on the thin side ). I hope Ole felt SAFE with me.

As for my family and friends, again I cannot speak for them. But if I have to be honest with myself and you as you read this, I think I can step up my game. I think I can give a little more of myself so they will feel safe, supported and that our relationship can grow stronger and that they grow as a person.

There is no greater feeling in the world than feeling love and giving love. I was so blessed to have had Ole in my life even if it was such a short time. All the things I have learned and will continue to learn because of this wonderful amazing man only builds a better version of me so that I can be better for those people in my life that I adore and love.

Relationship Safety is one of those lessons. I would have never thought about this had I not had Ole in my life. I had other relationships and not one of them challenged my thoughts, beliefs and feelings the way Ole has.

So now I am challenging you to think about the Relationship Safety you have with those around you. Do you feel safe, supported and expanded into a better version of you because you have these people in your life? Do you help others grow into a better version of them from the safety and support you give them?

This is something that could change your relationships today if you start thinking about it and how you can apply it to your own life.

May you be able to find, build and expand your own safety nets in the friends and family you hold dear in your hearts. Raise your hearts to build Relationship Safety in all your relationships.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Do you remember the kids rhyme ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but names can never hurt me’? Remember your Mom telling you to say that when the other kids were teasing you? I always felt like I had so much control saying those words but afterwards, I would hear their taunts over and over. And those words cut deep.

This was a huge lesson in our couples seminar. We said that over time, you will forget how much the physical pain hurt. Think about it! The last time you stubbed your toe or hit your elbow, it hurt like hell. You know it did but you can not actually FEEL that pain right now as you remember the incident.

But think about the last time someone stabbed your heart with words. You can feel that pain as real right now as it was when it happened. Words and names CAN hurt you over and over again.

I remember one day when I was around 13 or 14 years old. I don’t if it was teenage hormones or what but just as we were sitting down to eat supper my Dad said to me, “Oh don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud.” It was within context to the conversation that was rolling around the table. He didn’t say it to be mean or hurtful. My Dad wasn’t like that.

But like I say, it could have been teenage hormones and I lost it. I got upset, started crying and stormed off to my room. I can still see my poor Pop. He was totally shocked, bewildered and confused as to what just happened. And there was no way I could have explained it to him as I didn’t know myself.

I know there are times when something is said and it is taken totally out of context. The meaning and manner is totally misunderstood. Friend A says something and only meant it in fun while Friend B takes it at face value and feels the sting of the words deep in their being.

The worst part is, that when this happens, Friend B gets angry and decides not to talk with Friend A again. The hurt Friend A delivered was too much and Friend B will with-hold their friendship to get back at them for saying such a nasty thing. At least until they get an appology from Friend A.

In this case, Friend A probably doesn’t even know they said something wrong. Then they get confused about why Friend B is avoiding them. Then they get angy and won’t call Friend B until they warm up and call first. Nasty cycle to get into.

But there are times when a sting is delivered to hurt. There are times when two people are arguing and they say nasty things, hurtful things, things that could destroy the relationship they have with each other.

Ole and I never called each other names. We never belittled each other when we were arguing. We never put blame on the other or pointed the finger. God’s honest truth! We argued but not to hurt the other. We argued our point, our belief or to find resolution to a problem.

I am not a pyschologist and can not begin to understand why people do this. Ole and I had our ups and downs but he was the man I loved and wanted to spend forever with. It made no sense to me to attack him in such a way. It made no sense to me to make him feel less-than or to put the blame on him for our problems. We both felt this way. We just didn’t see that this was useful in our marriage.

Sure we teased each other. But there is a line between teasing and saying something nasty with a smile to rub an open wound with a little bit of salt. And if a misunderstanding arose, we delt with it right then and there. Or at least when we were alone with each other to discuss freely what happened.

These days, we hear so much about Law of Attraction and your thoughts create your life. But maybe we forget this includes what we say too. We hear so much about we have to be aware what we put into our mouths when we eat but we should pay just as much attention to what comes out of our mouths when we speak.

“When you talk you get understanding, and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”                                         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Be kind in your words, deeds and actions. Life is short.

Passionate regards….Brenda