I read a blog post today that really got me thinking. It is Colin Daymude’s Blog with the post How do you know you are getting your message accross? 

I immediately thought of the many times Ole and I would listen to couples talk about some of the difficulties they were having and this is one of them we heard often. They just EXPECT their partner of however many months or years to ‘just know’ what they are thinking, wanting, and anticipating. When the partner doesn’t deliver the desired response, the fight is on.

As a general rule, people are not mind readers. Absolutely we can anticipate a desire or thought that someone close to us may have and act on it. Then they are so impressed because you ‘just knew’ what they wanted. But that does take work and being present in the moment and learning this other person.

Then the next time we don’t respond as expected, tempers flare and that loving feeling gets thrown out with the bath water. Our expectations are so high in relationships that many times we are disappointed because the other person was not ‘in the know’ with their lover.

Early on in our relationship I learned that just because Ole didn’t know I wanted a cookie when he went to the kitchen didn’t mean he loved me less. If I didn’t tell him I wanted a cookie, why would he think I did?

We make up stupid little tests in our minds to see how much the other person loves us. Then when they fail it is because they don’t love you ENOUGH. Which in turn just adds another brick to the wall people tend to build around themselves when they are disappointed. With each disappointment comes another brick. In no time we have a fortress built and the relationship crumbles. Which in turn, reaffirms that they just didn’t love you enough.

Vicious cycle to say the least.

We have been taught to not ask for what we want. When we were children, we learn it is impolite to ask for the cookie when we visit. We must wait for the cookie to be offered or given to us.

That doesn’t work in relationships. Any relationships. Tell the other person what you want, expect and desire. Then they can tell you if they can grant your request or not. You have put yourself out there clear and concise. No guessing involved. No unintentionally hurt feelings. No misunderstandings.

Ole was a very wise man. I learned so much from him and I am never-ending proud of his ideas and wisom. He had a saying…

‘When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’ – Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Yes it is really a simple idea but VERY POWERFUL in relationships. Think of how many misunderstandings could have been avoided if we just took the time to talk and find peace.

Passionate regards…Brenda