This past week I got to thinking about Wasting Time. I guess because I sit at my new computer a lot and do just that. I’m reading emails, looking at offers, watching clips, reading new blogs and signing up for the update, looking around the Net at what’s new and exciting. Before ya know it, 4 hours have passed and I have not accomplished a darn thing.

Just Wasting Time.

When I realised what I was doing I started to think back how Ole and I would waste time. I think it was mostly with our computer again. When we got the then-new computer, we each had one in our office to sit and play with. Lots of times we would slip some Metallica into the disc drive (the then-new computer had great speakers) and we would sit and play games.

Yeah in some ways this was Wasting Time but it was also just a time for both of us to take a break and not think about anything. We were spending time together but in a lot of people’s eyes, all we were doing was Wasting Time.

Knowing what I know now, I am happy for those game playing moments. We would listen to the music. We teased each other about silly things and relaxed. We enjoyed this. We enjoyed being together.

I think Ole was more aware of time and Wasting Time than I was. I never thought about it so much then. But he told me more often than I can count that time is our most precious commodity. Ole told me over and over that time lost can never be recovered. You can never get back time you have wasted. He would say we needed to be more aware of how we use our time.

I never knew that his minutes were so limited or maybe I would have been more enthusiastic to work on our projects, books and seminars. Maybe I would have used our time together to expand our relationship coaching so other people could experience the deepfelt love and connection that we shared. Maybe I would have just talked with him more. Maybe I would have asked him more questions about his younger days, his ideas, his thoughts about life.

Maybe I wouldn’t have been so happy Wasting Time just sitting next to him. Hard to say for sure.

After I started focusing on this topic of Wasting Time, I asked myself, how many ways do we waste time in our life and in our relationships?

It is pretty easy to sit in front of the TV and flick the remote buttons for hours and never really find anything to watch. That is why I have just cut off my cable. Waste of time for me. Most days, if I have the TV on, it is just for background noise. I think I will start playing music instead.

I have been reading different articles about couples using shopping as an activity they do together, to spend time together. Not only is that a Waste of Time but possibly very draining on the bank account.

It is very hard to connect at the level that is needed to foster and grow a love relationship while you are walking around in the midst of hundreds of strangers looking at all this junk you really don’t need. And possibly getting into an argument over it. Neither of these activities helps grow a deeper connection in your relatiionship.

There are many activities we do to Waste Time. But how do you Waste Time in your relationship? Do you stay angry for a long time? Do you hold that anger inside you until the next argument? Do you hold grudges (first hand experience with this – HUGE WASTE of TIME. Totally not worth it or the consequences of it. I was the queen of holding grudges. Let this Time Waster go today)?

Each one of us only gets so many days in this life. No one knows how long that is but we all know that our time on earth is limited in this physical body.

Take a moment and look at your daily routine. Find out where you are Wasting Time and what you are willing to do about it.

As for just sitting with Ole and playing the computer games, was it Wasting Time? Yup! But I would give everything I have to be able to sit and Waste Time with him right now.

In my eyes, we were spending quality time together. A quiet moment listening to music and feeling the love flowing between us. That is NEVER a Waste of Time.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Do you remember when you were in the begining of your relationship? Do you remember how important it was to put your Best YOU forward? How important it was to attract that special someone into all areas of your life?

What about now after 3 years into the relationship? Or 10 years? Or 30 years? Do you still put your Best YOU forward?

When we find a special person that we would like to draw into our lives we go out of our way to be more attractive. We wear the pretty clothes…and this goes for both men and women. We make sure our hair sits just right and looks soft and touchable. We take extra special time with our apprearance. We may even start exercising or add extra workouts to our fitness plan.

But it doesn’t stop there. When we are doing our best to be attractive we make allowances in several areas. For instance, you may not really enjoy Monster Trucks but that new man in your life would love to share his enthusiasm for them with you. So of course you tag along and smile, laugh, scream and get involved in the show. Am I right?

Or perhaps, you are not so thrilled about shopping but your new lovely lady wants to get your opinion on a dress. She has several in mind if you would just come and have a look with her. You have sat on many ‘Man Chairs’ (that’s what I call the chairs some clothing stores have outside the fitting rooms), looked at too many dresses to count, and all you can think of is how beautiful she looked in each of them.

Let’s fast forward 3 years…in both of these scenerios the outcome will possibly be very different.

“Monster Trucks! Are you crazy? Why don’t you call Steve and I will stay home and read?”

“Shopping! Not again. You try on so many dresses and they all look the same. I have a lot of things to do around here ya know. Can’t you just go by yourself?”

I may be exagreating this a little but I wanted you to understand my point. When we are trying to attract that new love into our lives, we will bend over backwards to be more attractive and accommodating. This means taking extra time for our physical appreance and making time to spend with each other even if it is a less than desirable event.

Ole and I did the same. I had a much smaller waist when I was enticing him into my lair than I did when he died. I was much more aware of how my makeup was done or what clothes I put on than after we were married a few years.

We always liked to be together and most of the time it didn’t matter where we went. So that part didn’t change much. But there were times I was not interested for sure.

Like Monster Trucks…they got old real fast after we were married.

Ole put his foot down too. He was not interested in going out looking around in the stores. Ole was not a shopper.

As I read a blurb on Facebook that prompted this rant today, I started to think about Ole and me. Some days I would pull my hair up and no makeup, old frumpy clothes…not a pretty sight in my eyes but still did it. Why? Because I got lazy.

Why do we take so much time to put our Best Selves forward in the attracting stage of a relationship but then forget it after? Why is it not so important to do things together later in our relationship?

The fact is, IT IS IMPORTANT! I am not sure what happens in the human mind that lets us believe we have hooked the big fish and now we can relax. Maybe it does come down to just being lazy. I can’t say for sure.

But I do know that when you don’t put your Best YOU forward, it affects everything from your own self esteme to your relationship with your lover.

Go back a couple paragraphs where I wrote about getting lazy and I didn’t think I looked good…do you think I projected that thought out in our relationship? YOU BET I DID! Do you think I felt like Ole was attraced to me on those days I looked lke that? NOT A CHANCE!

Feeling and being attractive comes from the inside of you. It is not how you look on the outside or how you hair sits or what clothes you wear. It comes from the smile that you flash at your lover that says ‘Honey, I’m hot and you know it!’ while you are painting the fence in your old baggy clothes and your hair is streaked with sweat and paint. But not many people are lucky enough to know that about themselves.

So what do you do?

Don’t allow yourself to get lazy. Pretend each day that this is just the beginning of your relationship. Remember the little things you did to attract that wonderful person into your life and start doing those things again. Talk about heating up the kitchen! You will find a renewed spark in yourself, your lover and your relationship.

BE BOLD!

PUT YOUR BEST YOU FORWARD!

Passionate regards….Brenda

People get really nervous at the thought of changes in their lives. Who would I be if I changed this and that about myself? How would other people react to me after I change? What else will change in my life if I …? Why should I change? If the other person would only change then things would be much better.

We heard this in our seminars and many times when I was a hairdresser. I had clients tell me that their future husband will change. They know their man won’t drink so much, hit them anymore, stop screwing around with other people after the wedding. They know their future wife will get better handling money, quite being so angry, treat them better after they are married.

What a load of hogwash. Just because a person gets married does not mean they WILL change. Marriage does not wash a couple in magic dust and proclaim, “Now you are husband and wife. You will drop all your bad, annoying, nasty, unfaithful habits and live happily-ever-after.”

I told my clients straight out that there was no way this person was going to become their ideal mate just because you will have the big white wedding. If nothing else, the habits will show up more.

Ole and I always taught the people at our seminars that if the love in your relationship hurts, maybe you are not in the right relationship. We didn’t mean these people should split up but they did have a choice.

As a couple, they could choose to work on the dark side of themselves and become a more loving partner to each other or they could talk about the consequences of staying the same as they are now.

Of course there were things both Ole and I wanted the other to change when we got married. Some things were small and some things not so small. For instance, I hate when someone chews with their mouth open. Drives me crazy. And Ole would do that. He was loving enough and could see this could turn into a REAL issue if he continued, so he quit. Thank heavens

It drove him crazy I could not focus on one topic for very long. When we would be working on something, I would think of something else and jump up to go do it. It could have been the laundry, make a cake, call a friend. He would get so upset with me that I would not just do the work at hand.

I made a concentrated effort to focus myself on whatever project we were working on at the moment. Even if that meant we agreed to a specific amount of time we would work,  I was committed to the project and him. I was willing to change to have a better life with Ole.

I have seen some of these silly reality shows where they do some big transformation of a person and take them from a street urchin to a princess. What I always found strange was that there were so many that said “I am not changing for anyone. If they don’t like me, too bad for them.” Why did they come on this show then if they didn’t want to change?

When it comes to bettering yourself and especially a change that could make your relationship more peaceful and loving, why wouldn’t you change?

Change has a bad reputation. People are afraid of change because they don’t know what will happen next. But what if the changes bring more love, peace and joy in your relationship. Wasn’t it worth it?

I was reading my journal from when we were first married. I laughed at the silly little things we did and thought about how much we both had changed in our 9 years together. We always looked for ways to grow personally and together as a couple. 

Embrace the changes in yourself. There is a certain excitement that comes with those changes. Be the best you can be! As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

And remember, this is VERY important, You Only Have the Power To Change Yourself and No One Else.

Go for it!

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN YOUR WORLD!

Passionate regards….Brenda

When was the last time you challenged yourself? Maybe it was to accomplish a goal by a certain date or to achieve something great in sports. Maybe you wanted to learn something new and challenged yourself to do it?

Let me ask you this, when was the last time you challenged yourself to DO better, BE better in your relationship?

We focus so much on our outer world; our jobs, sports, hobbies, school, families. Sometimes our intimate relationships get pushed to the bottom of the list. We forget that our relationship with our wonderful other is one of our greatest challenges and achievements.

Ole and I were on a constant quest to learn more about how to have a great marriage. No we didn’t have kids to take care of but that doesn’t mean we had a lot of free time. But we still found the time to explore and learn to bring MORE into our marriage.

We challenged ourselves to be the best we could be in our marriage. And this meant learning about each other and relationships. We were very proud of the fact that people ALWAYS commented on what a loving relationship we had. But we also put a lot of work into our relationship too.

There are so many couples that don’t make it. I just wonder if they would have challenged themselves to BE more, DO more with each other, would they still decide to split up?

I believe that we focus on so much outside ourselves that we forget to focus on what is most important and just hope it will run on autopilot. We set financial, physical,  job related challenges and goals and we leave the most important part of our life, our relationship, to flow as best it can with little or no guidance.

How often do you hear anyone talking about they are setting a goal to learn 6 new sexual positions over the next 2 weeks? Or they have a goal to plan THE MOST romantic evening their partner could EVER imagine? Or they will learn 4 new places on their lovers body they like to be kissed, stroked, rubbed, or bit?

Not very often.

As we grow up we are not taught how to have a relationship. With the amount of divorces and single parents, it is difficult for kids to learn how to have a loving, long-term relationship because kids learn these things by example.

Again, I am not judging, just stating facts. I don’t know what has happened in people’s lives to bring them to the place that they are. We all make our own decisions and mistakes. I am not placing blame on anyone.

I am just suggesting that if couples would challenge them self or each other to learn more about love, making love and living in love, maybe we would have less divorces and single parents.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a house with both my parents. But that does not mean I learned how to have a great relationship with Ole. I am sure my parents loved each other but they didn’t hug and kiss in front of us. Well, Christmas morning, birthdays, that kind of thing they would give each other a little squeeze and kiss.

But my Mom has a temper and I learned how to yell. I learned that is how you argue with your husband (but it’s not the best way for sure). I don’t remember how often Mom would yell at Dad but I guess it was often enough. And then she wouldn’t talk to him after.

In high school, I watched how the kids dated. When I worked in the bars, I watched how people, lovers, treated each other. I wasn’t impressed so I never dated. But that doesn’t mean I never had ‘relationships’ with men. I just didn’t want anything long-term because I didn’t like what I had seen in my family’s relationships or most people around me.

I was fascinated with relationships and sex long before I met Ole and read more books than I can count. It was exciting to try new things. It was interesting to learn about the dynamics of a relationship. And when Ole and I got married, I was even more interested to learn, as was he.

Decide today that you will challenge yourself to learn something exciting, new, interesting, adventurous to bring more joy and love into your relationship. Challenge yourself to be all that you can be in your love affair and then push yourself that little bit extra.

If we put as much effort into our relationships as we do our sports, hobbies or watching TV, we all would have relationships that would grow and flourish into the romance of the century.

Be Bold! Be Brave! Be Adventurous! Challenge yourself to BE MORE in your relationship. The results are worth it.

Passioante regards….Brenda

Space…I am not talking about the final frontier that Captain Kirk was talking about. I want to talk about giving each other space in your relationship.

When you are new-in-love all you want to do is BE with that wonderful other person. You want to spend every moment with them; talking, touching, exploring, learning. But after a while we all need some space.

When Ole and I were married, I was 35 years old and had been living my life on my terms. I had no one to answer to or ask anything of. I did what I did when I wanted and that was that.

After we were married, we spent a LOT of time together. I loved it. I LOVED being with Ole. But the adjustment was hard on me in the fact that I had no space just for me. I mean time where I could go downtown and look around. Time I could spend looking at books in the book store. Time getting a pedicure or facial or whatever else I used to do on my own.

I just wanted a couple hours a week to be me and do the things I wanted to do without having to think about someone else and what they wanted to do. Does this make sense to you?

When I would tell Ole that I wanted this space to just recharge my batteries, he took it personal and would get very sad because he thought I didn’t want to be with him. That I really wanted to be alone. Which was not true.

It didn’t help that our first year of marriage was tough. Ole was in a new country and me being his only contact in that newness. And here I am telling him I want space. As well we were learning to live together and how we both fit into the other’s ideas of life, love and marriage.

During our exploration in our first year of finding a better way to live and grow our love, I found the space I was looking for. I could take an hour and go into the city and shop for clothes. Ole was never thrilled to do that anyway so it worked for both of us.

More times than not, I came home without any bags and purchases. He would be surprised because he thought my mission was to buy clothes. Not really. My mission was to recharge my batteries and make a little space for myself.

And more times than not, if I did buy something it was for him. I wanted to show him I appreciated the space in our relationship. Maybe that is not exactly what I said but that is what I meant when I gave him his ‘staying home’ gift.

There were times when Ole and I would go to the bookstore together and I still found my own space. He looked at what he was interested in and I did my thing. We were together at the store but giving each other the space we needed to regroup, recharge and explore on our own.

When you find that space to explore on your own, you come back to your partner and your relationship with something new. You have a new topic to discuss or explore together.

By enjoying, exploring and searching life on your own time and terms, you help your partner, yourself and the relationship grow to new heights and levels. When you stay stagnant and never discuss new topics, things get old pretty fast which can take a relationship down a really dark alley.

Space is very important in a relationship. If you are in constant contact and in each other’s space 24/7, one or both of you can begin to feel smothered, mothered, policed, controlled. Now that is getting into the negative emotions but it is possible.

Some people are afraid to give their partner space because it may give them the opportunity to find someone better. It may give them the opportunity to develop them self beyond the relationship. It may give them the opportunity to think their own thoughts and perhaps leave the relationship.

There is that old saying about setting something free and if it comes back its yours, if it doesn’t it never was. In some ways I think that is true in couples also. Being in a realtionship does not put you or your partner in a cage.

I have never been a believer in the old adage that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It can work the other way around and make the heart forget. But a little space between can be so sweet.

Give your partner and yourself the gift of space. Allow each other the space to recharge to be a better half of the couple.

Space…is it really the final frontier? No, just another piece of the puzzle.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Romantic Getaways! They are rejuvenating to our senses. They add spice to our love making. They put a little intrigue into our daily humdrum. Romantic Getaways are fabulous! What more needs to be said? Lots!

There is no right or wrong place to go for a romantic rendezvous. The most important ingredients are to have an open mind and heart to allow the fantasy to carry us away. Expect nothing more and nothing less.

Romantic Getaways – Part 1  showed how an intended romantic trip that went a little haywire still produced the desired results for both of us because we were both open to whatever happened. Neither of us had any expectations, just love in our hearts.

My post Give Them What They Want showed how good intentions can go extremely wrong. Just because I thought it would be a wonderful evening getaway for love and romance, it was definitely not his. I satisfied my desires and ideals when I should have thought more about what would have turned him on.

You have to think about who your partner is, what they like, what experiences have they had in the past.

You would never take a city girl out camping in a tent in the woods with bears if she is not that kind of person. At least not the first time, unless of course she has expressed some interest in sleeping in a tent. The better you know each other, the more you can expand your romantic horizons.

Romantic  Getaways are fun to plan and fun to experience. When you are planning with your lover in mind, their ideals and dreams and what excites them, you can’t go wrong. THEY are the focus. The desired result is love, romance and a wonderful experience. There is nothing better.

Some years ago, I had set up a weekend away at a nice resort in a town a couple hours from our house. I told Ole we had to go see the publishers because they had called and there was a problem with something. I was very vague and acted a little scattered.

I said I would drive cause he had been working all day and could just relax. He had a million questions and I just kept telling him I wasn’t sure what the problem was. They just called and asked if we could drive over and see them.

They lived in the next town over and when we passed it, Ole got a little grin on his face and asked what was I up to? I just smiled and said I was kidnapping him for a couple days and he should just lean back and enjoy the ride. I didn’t spill the beans about where we were going. It was more fun for him to try to figure it out as we drove.

I had reserved the hotel a couple days before. I made arrangements for our cats to be taken care of. Then I packed our bags and put them in the truck while he showered. I loved surprising him but he loved being surprised. If he didn’t, this may not have turned out as fun and wonderful as it did.

Romance is in the heart of the beholder. A dream getaway to a quiet remote island maybe your idea but not so appealing to someone that lives to party and loves the night life.

When you have lived the dream in your first Romantic Getaway, the second comes easier because your mind opens up to other ways to wow your lover. As well, your lover opens up to other new experiences. They begin to get excited about the next time because the first was so great. They also begin to think about how to wow you.

Romantic Getaways! They create blissful feelings; feelings of love, joy, happiness, contentment, excitement, and the list goes on.

Be open to the fantasy. Be open to the dream. Be open in your thoughts and hearts. Romance spreads from you heart to your head and back again. Let every day be a Romantic Getaway.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Do you remember the kids rhyme ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but names can never hurt me’? Remember your Mom telling you to say that when the other kids were teasing you? I always felt like I had so much control saying those words but afterwards, I would hear their taunts over and over. And those words cut deep.

This was a huge lesson in our couples seminar. We said that over time, you will forget how much the physical pain hurt. Think about it! The last time you stubbed your toe or hit your elbow, it hurt like hell. You know it did but you can not actually FEEL that pain right now as you remember the incident.

But think about the last time someone stabbed your heart with words. You can feel that pain as real right now as it was when it happened. Words and names CAN hurt you over and over again.

I remember one day when I was around 13 or 14 years old. I don’t if it was teenage hormones or what but just as we were sitting down to eat supper my Dad said to me, “Oh don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud.” It was within context to the conversation that was rolling around the table. He didn’t say it to be mean or hurtful. My Dad wasn’t like that.

But like I say, it could have been teenage hormones and I lost it. I got upset, started crying and stormed off to my room. I can still see my poor Pop. He was totally shocked, bewildered and confused as to what just happened. And there was no way I could have explained it to him as I didn’t know myself.

I know there are times when something is said and it is taken totally out of context. The meaning and manner is totally misunderstood. Friend A says something and only meant it in fun while Friend B takes it at face value and feels the sting of the words deep in their being.

The worst part is, that when this happens, Friend B gets angry and decides not to talk with Friend A again. The hurt Friend A delivered was too much and Friend B will with-hold their friendship to get back at them for saying such a nasty thing. At least until they get an appology from Friend A.

In this case, Friend A probably doesn’t even know they said something wrong. Then they get confused about why Friend B is avoiding them. Then they get angy and won’t call Friend B until they warm up and call first. Nasty cycle to get into.

But there are times when a sting is delivered to hurt. There are times when two people are arguing and they say nasty things, hurtful things, things that could destroy the relationship they have with each other.

Ole and I never called each other names. We never belittled each other when we were arguing. We never put blame on the other or pointed the finger. God’s honest truth! We argued but not to hurt the other. We argued our point, our belief or to find resolution to a problem.

I am not a pyschologist and can not begin to understand why people do this. Ole and I had our ups and downs but he was the man I loved and wanted to spend forever with. It made no sense to me to attack him in such a way. It made no sense to me to make him feel less-than or to put the blame on him for our problems. We both felt this way. We just didn’t see that this was useful in our marriage.

Sure we teased each other. But there is a line between teasing and saying something nasty with a smile to rub an open wound with a little bit of salt. And if a misunderstanding arose, we delt with it right then and there. Or at least when we were alone with each other to discuss freely what happened.

These days, we hear so much about Law of Attraction and your thoughts create your life. But maybe we forget this includes what we say too. We hear so much about we have to be aware what we put into our mouths when we eat but we should pay just as much attention to what comes out of our mouths when we speak.

“When you talk you get understanding, and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”                                         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Be kind in your words, deeds and actions. Life is short.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I just read a joke about a costume party at http://www.comedyfootprint.com/2009/11/halloween-party-surprise/. I am warning you it is a little racy and makes you go EEWWW. But it made me think about how many couples do this and set themselves up for a fight or collapse of their relationship.

Again, this comes back to the ‘How much do you love me? – I am not enough’ mentality. Of course we all want to be loved. That is a given in human nature. And confirmation of this shared loved is wonderful.

But there are some people that play stupid little games with their lover that just sets them up for disappointment and heartache. They ask dumb questions like ‘Do you think he/she is hot? Would you sleep with him/her if you got the chance? Would you tell me about it?’ or ‘What does your dream partner look like to you? What is their personality, style sense, etc.?’ Get the picture?

These people have trouble inside their own skin I think. They don’t feel ‘good enough’ and are looking to their partner to confirm these feelings. Then when the fight or disintegration of the relationship begins, it is not their fault because their partner told them they were not good enough. And this just adds to their own angst and pain.

I worked in a bar for many years and would watch couples play stupid games. Getting drunk and ridiculous and deciding that they are going to show their lover that another man or woman wants them. Dumb game! Who cares if another person thinks you are desirable! What matters most is that your lover, your partner, your husband or wife thinks that you are desirable. The rest absolutely don’t matter.

Games are for kids. And games that are nasty and hurtful are not for anybody. They serve no higher good to those involved. Play games that empower your relationship. And if you are angry with your lover, don’t play any games at all. Talk straight. Be honest and open to clear the destructive feelings inside.

‘When you talk you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.’    Ole Poulsen 1973 – 2006

Ole and I played lots of games…card games, board games, computer games. And many wonderful games lovers play, but that is for another day  

Passionate regards….Brenda