When Ole died, I had a lot of people tell me I should write down my thoughts and feelings. It would help ease feeling the pain. How could I write the physical pain in my heart away?

To say the least, I didn’t do it. I could barely take care of our 2 dogs and cat. There were days the pain would be so great that it took me forever to go for a 10 minute walk with our dogs. No kidding! The action of putting one foot in front of the other was a huge effort.

But the pain, physical pain that I had in my chest was always there and nothing took it way. I took over the counter pain meds…no change. My doctor had x-rays taken. They showed nothing but the pain persisted. She suggested exercise. Like I said, walking was a chore.

She suggest antidepressants. I don’t know if they would have helped but I could not begin to think about going through this pain again after I went off them. I felt the best treatment for me was to face my feelings and move through them.

The reason I am bringing this up is because I just read an article on the pain people go through when a relationship ends. This article stated that this ‘real and physical’ pain that I felt was actually produced from my head. I guess on one level I knew that but I was hoping for a medical reason that I was hurting so much.

I never really thought about it before but when Ole and I would have an argument and if it wasn’t resolved before we went to bed, what a crappy sleep we both had. Tossing and turning and feeling sad and bad. I can’t say I noticed the pain so much in my chest, only that my heart, head and body hurt.

To understand what I mean, think about the last time you argued with someone you loved. How crappy was the rest of your day? How well did you sleep? How many times did you replay the argument in your mind? Did you eat well, if you did eat, or picked at this, that and other unhealthy food? Or did you eat and eat until your gut was screaming “NO MORE”? How many times were you sitting on the toilet and letting it all out? Or perhaps you held it in and had cramps or headaches.

Our minds have so much effect over how our bodies feel. Amazing to think that our minds can make us believe we have an actual physical pain in our heart when it is broken. But its true.

We all handle upset in our lives differently. Each one of us has to find the way that feels best to get through the difficult times. And that is not always easy to do because when you are going through a rough patch with a friend, family member or lover, you aren’t thinking about what is happening in your body. You focus on what has triggered this crappy feeling.

But I tell ya, when Ole and I did resolve the problem, we both felt SO much better and got back into the flow with our minds, bodies and each other.

I had to feel the pain from Ole’s death to move through it. I know I have learned a lot from this experience. The biggest thing that I learned was that there is nothing worth fighting over. It really is all small stuff.

Feeling the pain after an argument is so useless and harmful. Move through the pain and feel the love flow. Keep the lines of communication wide open. Then you will find the win-win solution and the painful times will be few and far between.

Passionate regards….Brenda

PS – In the article I read they suggested many things to help ease the pain. And a lot of medical and scientific studies to back up their findings. You can check it out for yourself. http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/health-fitness/health/rodale-article.aspx?cp-documentid=23989279

Another great article about heart attack symptoms in relation to a broken heart http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/health-fitness/health/rodale-article.aspx?cp-documentid=23729852

Do you remember the kids rhyme ‘sticks and stones will break my bones but names can never hurt me’? Remember your Mom telling you to say that when the other kids were teasing you? I always felt like I had so much control saying those words but afterwards, I would hear their taunts over and over. And those words cut deep.

This was a huge lesson in our couples seminar. We said that over time, you will forget how much the physical pain hurt. Think about it! The last time you stubbed your toe or hit your elbow, it hurt like hell. You know it did but you can not actually FEEL that pain right now as you remember the incident.

But think about the last time someone stabbed your heart with words. You can feel that pain as real right now as it was when it happened. Words and names CAN hurt you over and over again.

I remember one day when I was around 13 or 14 years old. I don’t if it was teenage hormones or what but just as we were sitting down to eat supper my Dad said to me, “Oh don’t be such a stick-in-the-mud.” It was within context to the conversation that was rolling around the table. He didn’t say it to be mean or hurtful. My Dad wasn’t like that.

But like I say, it could have been teenage hormones and I lost it. I got upset, started crying and stormed off to my room. I can still see my poor Pop. He was totally shocked, bewildered and confused as to what just happened. And there was no way I could have explained it to him as I didn’t know myself.

I know there are times when something is said and it is taken totally out of context. The meaning and manner is totally misunderstood. Friend A says something and only meant it in fun while Friend B takes it at face value and feels the sting of the words deep in their being.

The worst part is, that when this happens, Friend B gets angry and decides not to talk with Friend A again. The hurt Friend A delivered was too much and Friend B will with-hold their friendship to get back at them for saying such a nasty thing. At least until they get an appology from Friend A.

In this case, Friend A probably doesn’t even know they said something wrong. Then they get confused about why Friend B is avoiding them. Then they get angy and won’t call Friend B until they warm up and call first. Nasty cycle to get into.

But there are times when a sting is delivered to hurt. There are times when two people are arguing and they say nasty things, hurtful things, things that could destroy the relationship they have with each other.

Ole and I never called each other names. We never belittled each other when we were arguing. We never put blame on the other or pointed the finger. God’s honest truth! We argued but not to hurt the other. We argued our point, our belief or to find resolution to a problem.

I am not a pyschologist and can not begin to understand why people do this. Ole and I had our ups and downs but he was the man I loved and wanted to spend forever with. It made no sense to me to attack him in such a way. It made no sense to me to make him feel less-than or to put the blame on him for our problems. We both felt this way. We just didn’t see that this was useful in our marriage.

Sure we teased each other. But there is a line between teasing and saying something nasty with a smile to rub an open wound with a little bit of salt. And if a misunderstanding arose, we delt with it right then and there. Or at least when we were alone with each other to discuss freely what happened.

These days, we hear so much about Law of Attraction and your thoughts create your life. But maybe we forget this includes what we say too. We hear so much about we have to be aware what we put into our mouths when we eat but we should pay just as much attention to what comes out of our mouths when we speak.

“When you talk you get understanding, and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”                                         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Be kind in your words, deeds and actions. Life is short.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I want to tell all of you that stop by to read my posts, how much I appreciate you. I love writing about our marriage and giving you ideas how to have more love in your relationship. The comments you leave are so encouraging knowing  that Ole and I are helping.

It is so important in any relationship to let the other person know how much they really are appreciated. And this goes double for intimate relationships because sometimes, over time, we forget to say the nice stuff. The other half should just know by now how much they are loved and appreciated. Right!?

Learn from my mistakes. You can never say “Thank you”, “I love you” or “I’m sorry” too many times in your life. You can never tell your sweetheart too often how much they mean to you and how you could not go on without them. Trust me on this.

The many times Ole would just say “I love you” out of the blue…for no reason other than to let me know I was in his heart. I was scared that he would say it too often, that those words would loose their impact and meaning. I really can be stupid sometimes.

Those are the most powerful words in the the world no matter what language they are spoken in. “I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you.” 

Those words can heal a broken heart, take away the pain from physical injuries and make a person feel needed, useful, wanted and appreciated.

Those powerful little words can heal a nation. Serious!

Think about how many lives could have been saved from bad decisions, fits of anger, rage, and possibly even death by just hearing that someone cares and was willing to be open and speak from their heart. How many relationships could have been saved by only saying “I love you. Thank you. I’m sorry.”

Pride makes lovers, brothers, sisters and friends fearful of releasing the healing power in those words. Pride steps in to hold you back. Pride keeps people stuck in the illusions that they are weak and less-than or they lost the fight if they say those POWERFUL words.

The only way you loose, is to not say “I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you.” And let anger eat at your stomach. Endure sleepless nights after a fight because you are right and will stick to your guns. That is how you loose. By not telling the ones you love how much you love and appreciate them.

Wayne Dyer was a favorite speaker and author of Ole’s. Wayne always says it is easier to be kind than it is to be right. Think about how many arguments could have ended sooner if you would have stopped and told the other person that they were right. It does not mean you agreed with them only that they are right. Which in their mind they were right.

When we found out Ole had cancer, I apologised for all the times I had hurt him or had argued. Not that this was the first time I had apologised for all this but I needed Ole to know how deeply sorry I was. He said he forgave me a long time ago. It was me still holding on to all the pain. He had let it go.

I kept asking that Ole would live because all I wanted to do was show him just how much I loved him and needed him. I felt I could have done a better job at it and I wanted that second chance.

Learn from my mistakes.

I am not trying to make Ole sound like a saint or anything but he was the most remarkable man I had ever know. He was kind above all, loving, caring, interesting, smart, funny, handsome…I would love to go on.

But most important was that he loved me and I loved him and we were not afraid to show it or say it. And we did our best to let each other know how much the other was appreciated and loved.

Yes, we argued. Yes, we got angry at each other. Yes, there were MANY times we did not agree. Yes, we had a lot of fun, laughs and good times. 

But the foundation of it all was we ALWAYS loved each other.

I appreciate you. I am sorry for the hurts you have endured and will in the future. Thank you so much for being a part of my world.

Tell those closest to you how much you love and appreciate them. When you see them light right up and smile from ear to ear, you will know you are a true healer and winner.

Passionate regards….Brenda

Some days I just want to crawl into a hole

Okay…have you ever been in the situation where something happens or someone says something and you react without thinking? Just jump right in and stick both feet in your mouth. Then kick yourself in the ass for a couple days after.

I think most people can relate to this. Especially when it comes to the person you are closest to.  Maybe it’s your lover, your best friend, or your family. And I am sure, if you are human, you have said or reacted to a stranger in a not-so-acceptable fashion also.

I am not judging or saying that these actions are okay. Like I said, I do it too. We are human and there is more than meets the eye at times.

I know with myself I tend to jump before I think when my mind is cluttered. I am thinking about the bills, my dogs, my Mom, my dead husband, my strange family and the list goes on.

I know there were times with Ole that I jumped before I thought. And that is my biggest regret. Of course we talked after the fact. We always talked and resolved our issues. And we talked more in the hospital about these times too, but I didn’t get more time to show him I meant what I said. That I was sorry for my actions. I didn’t get more time to show him how much I loved him and how important he was to me.

That is difficult to live with some days. Then I have to let it go. Hope that I won’t make the same insensitive mistakes with other people in my life. And sometimes I still do. My mind still gets cluttered with everyday thoughts and worries.

Then I think, how can I handle this situation better next time? What can I do to not be an ass and react in a more loving manner? How can I handle this situation without anger, yelling, closing down, feeling out of control and powerless?

This is what helped for Ole and me…

Take a minute and if you need to, walk away. Tell the other person you will talk to them in 10, 20 minutes. Take the time you need to collect yourself and your thoughts. THEN you can be more rational, respectful, kind and loving in your responses. Make sure you go back after the 10, 20 minutes and talk.

When Ole and I had issues (OK arguments…ya happy?), I would just tell him I could not talk to him right now. I would be fuming inside but I KNEW if I started talking then I would say something nasty and definitely regret it later.

We would sit down after 30 minutes or so and talk. I am not saying I would not still be angry but I WAS more calm and collected. I was very much in the moment and my thinking was only on the issue at hand.

Regrets…they are tough to let go of. But if we hold on to them, we can never move out of that spot. We can never find that better way to defuse a situation. The only thing we can do is learn from them and work on a better solution and mode of response the next time.

I hope this will open a door of new opportunities in communicating with the people around you. It really is amazing that when you come from a place of calmness and love, the resolution is so much easier.

Passionate regards….Brenda