What causes you pleasure and pain in your relationship? I think we all know what brings us enormous amounts of pleasure in our relationship. But what about the pain half of the equation?

I agree that arguing with our better-half is a painful experience. I agree that being insensitive to your lover or them to you is painful. I agree that breaking up is maybe the most painful, short of actual physical pain.

I think that in many relationships there comes at least one time, the thought of ending the relationship. I have experienced that.

Our first year was difficult. The ‘honeymoon phase’ is a myth for many couples I believe. I had read so many times that this is the first phase of your marriage. Not ours I tell ya!

Ole and I both had strong ideas, opinions and needs when we became a couple. We both wanted different things perhaps. By that I mean where we wanted to grow and what we wanted to accomplish as a couple. It was very difficult for both us to have some of our needs met and this caused problems.

I can remember thinking I can’t go on this way. All we did was argue. At least that’s what it felt  at that moment. Then I would think about leaving and just getting out of this bad situation.

I would think about where I would live. What would I do for a job? I would think about what would Ole do? He was in a foreign country. He spoke excellent English but he didn’t know all the laws and rules land. What would happen to him?

That caused me a lot of pain. But the worst was yet to come. I would begin thinking about not waking up with him everyday. I would think about not laughing with him and not making love to him. I would think about not having him next to me to talk to when ever I wanted.

Then my heart, my pleasure center, would step into the conversation and would ask me “how could you EVER think you would want to live without him?” The anger would instantly stop and I would sob and howl at the thought that I was thinking about leaving my wonderful husband.

This shocking realisation made me think more clearly. Not acting out of my emotions but from my heart and head. I was willing to work through the problems and difficult times. I was willing to change in myself what I had to, to be able to have a better life with Ole. I was committed to our union and the love we shared. We both were.

In that first year, even when times were really hard for us which reflected in how we were handling our relationship, the pleasure I got from being with Ole was greater than the pain of thinking about leaving him. I have NEVER loved anyone as much as I loved him. And still do.

We talked a lot about what troubled us. We cried when we were frustrated and angry. We loved when we found a solution.

When Ole and I first moved back to Denmark, he was working with a company and he was gone from Monday morning until Thursday afternoon. I hated that we were separated like that. He hated it too.

Here I was, in a foreign country and the person I wanted to be with most was not available to me 24 hours everyday. So I watched a lot of movies. The worst were the sappy love stories or romantic comedies. By the end of the movie when the guy gets the girl and they were in each others arms, I was sobbing. Not just crying but SOBBING.

The pain of being away from Ole, even for those few days each week, was horrible. I would sit in our house and all I wanted was to feel his strong arms around me and his soft lips on mine. And yet he was in Copenhagen working and hating it as much as me. At that point, we had no idea how little time we had left together.

The pain of Ole’s death sits in my heart everyday. But the pleasure of having loved him for 9 years and experiencing a love like ours is greater than the pain I feel.

A least most days it is.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I want to tell all of you that stop by to read my posts, how much I appreciate you. I love writing about our marriage and giving you ideas how to have more love in your relationship. The comments you leave are so encouraging knowing  that Ole and I are helping.

It is so important in any relationship to let the other person know how much they really are appreciated. And this goes double for intimate relationships because sometimes, over time, we forget to say the nice stuff. The other half should just know by now how much they are loved and appreciated. Right!?

Learn from my mistakes. You can never say “Thank you”, “I love you” or “I’m sorry” too many times in your life. You can never tell your sweetheart too often how much they mean to you and how you could not go on without them. Trust me on this.

The many times Ole would just say “I love you” out of the blue…for no reason other than to let me know I was in his heart. I was scared that he would say it too often, that those words would loose their impact and meaning. I really can be stupid sometimes.

Those are the most powerful words in the the world no matter what language they are spoken in. “I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you.” 

Those words can heal a broken heart, take away the pain from physical injuries and make a person feel needed, useful, wanted and appreciated.

Those powerful little words can heal a nation. Serious!

Think about how many lives could have been saved from bad decisions, fits of anger, rage, and possibly even death by just hearing that someone cares and was willing to be open and speak from their heart. How many relationships could have been saved by only saying “I love you. Thank you. I’m sorry.”

Pride makes lovers, brothers, sisters and friends fearful of releasing the healing power in those words. Pride steps in to hold you back. Pride keeps people stuck in the illusions that they are weak and less-than or they lost the fight if they say those POWERFUL words.

The only way you loose, is to not say “I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you.” And let anger eat at your stomach. Endure sleepless nights after a fight because you are right and will stick to your guns. That is how you loose. By not telling the ones you love how much you love and appreciate them.

Wayne Dyer was a favorite speaker and author of Ole’s. Wayne always says it is easier to be kind than it is to be right. Think about how many arguments could have ended sooner if you would have stopped and told the other person that they were right. It does not mean you agreed with them only that they are right. Which in their mind they were right.

When we found out Ole had cancer, I apologised for all the times I had hurt him or had argued. Not that this was the first time I had apologised for all this but I needed Ole to know how deeply sorry I was. He said he forgave me a long time ago. It was me still holding on to all the pain. He had let it go.

I kept asking that Ole would live because all I wanted to do was show him just how much I loved him and needed him. I felt I could have done a better job at it and I wanted that second chance.

Learn from my mistakes.

I am not trying to make Ole sound like a saint or anything but he was the most remarkable man I had ever know. He was kind above all, loving, caring, interesting, smart, funny, handsome…I would love to go on.

But most important was that he loved me and I loved him and we were not afraid to show it or say it. And we did our best to let each other know how much the other was appreciated and loved.

Yes, we argued. Yes, we got angry at each other. Yes, there were MANY times we did not agree. Yes, we had a lot of fun, laughs and good times. 

But the foundation of it all was we ALWAYS loved each other.

I appreciate you. I am sorry for the hurts you have endured and will in the future. Thank you so much for being a part of my world.

Tell those closest to you how much you love and appreciate them. When you see them light right up and smile from ear to ear, you will know you are a true healer and winner.

Passionate regards….Brenda

There has been such a great response to my post Games People Play, I thought I would expand on it. So let’s explore The Silent Treatment. I am an expert at this one!

There are many silly little games we play with our lovers, friends and family and this one is a classic. Rules of the game are as follows:

1. Someone pisses you off so you withhold all forms of verbal communication .

2. You may communicate your anger and crankiness with disapproving looks, scowls, and snarly facial gestures.

3. You many not break the silence until you feel the receiver has suffered enough from the painful absence of your sweet voice and loving nature. Very important rule!

4. When you do break your silence, it is with full volume and speed. All that pent-up anger is allowed to come out with the force of a hurricane. Don’t hold anything back.

5. Accept apologies and allow the receiver to kiss your butt.

Isn’t this the rules of The Silent Treatment game? Yeah, whatever…

As I said, I am an expert at this game. I was trained by one of the best…my Mom! She would get angry over something and not talk for days. In the mean while, we would try and figure out what she was upset about. When we thought we had a hit we would ask her. She would just stare us down, toss her head and walk away.

I remember one particular time, Mom had not spoken to Dad or me in over 5 days. It was getting to be a bit silly. Dad and I were trying to figure out what she was angry over and we started to laugh. THEN Mom was really cranky. But at least she started talking to us. Alas, this was not the first or the last time we played this game.

Being a product of your environment, I too played The Silent Treatment game. With my family, friends and with Ole. That first year of marriage was such a great learning tool in so many ways. But it was the hardest year we spent together.

I have said in the past when you are angry to walk away and come back in 20 minutes or an hour when you have calmed down. Then you can talk more rationally and not out of anger. That is not the Silent Treatment. That is defusing a bomb and marriage management.

Nothing is solved when you don’t talk. What happens is there is distance created between you and the other person. If left long enough, this distance becomes greater and more difficult to cross over. Then you are left alone and hurt and still angry.

But the answers come when you can talk about what is troubling you in a calm manner. Absolutely the anger can still be there when you talk but by allowing yourself time to be still inside, you can communicate better about the problem.

I am the youngest and my sister is 16 years older than me with 5 boys in-between us. I loved our family. Well I still do but I miss having a family. We had so much fun together and when the grand kids started coming, it was wonderful.

I don’t know what happened. It has been so many YEARS since one has spoken to another and so on and so on. I keep asking my family to have an intervention. Yes, it has come to that. But they won’t have any part of it. How sad is that? The Silent Treatment game has produced a riff the size of the Grand Canyon in my family.

Is it my Mom’s fault? No! I am sure she learned to communicate this way from someone else. And, as with the rest of my family, they have never explored other ways to express their anger and problems. The Silent Treatment is their game of choice. They have gotten used to the pain and learned to live within its boundaries.

What I was very grateful for was that I woke up and realized that it is not a useful game to play with my husband or anyone else for that matter. It solved nothing. It only added to the problem and created a chasm between us.

I thank the heavens that I/we overcame playing such a stupid game. I have never in my life been so close to another person. There were times when we would hug that Ole and I could literally feel our bodies melting into each others and we were one entity.

THAT WAS THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING!

Do you think we would have experienced this if I would have continued to play The Silent Treatment game? I think not.

“When you talk, you get understanding and understanding is peace. When you don’t talk, you get misunderstanding and misunderstanding is fear.”         - Ole Poulsen 1973-2006

Keep your lines of communication open and clear. The connection you will have with your lover, friends and family will be such a reward.

Then you really will have won the game.

Passionate regards….Brenda

I have had so many comments to the post Games People Play. Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and comment on them. I am so happy that our marriage, love and ideas are helping other people find the love of their dreams.

What worries me is that there must be many people playing stupid games with their lovers. Why? What does this accomplish?

Are we really programmed to look for the negative in our lives? Do we believe someplace under our surface thoughts that our loving relationship will never last? That all good things must come to an end? Then we do something to screw it up to make sure we were right in believing that?

And of course, the destruction of our relationship is not due to any actions on our part. It is ALWAYS someone’s  fault other than our own that our love life fell apart (my heart is hurting just writing this).

Why can’t we look for the good in what we have? Ole and I held a couples seminar and one woman told us that she gets suspicious of her husband when he brings flowers home. She wonders if he has been out with another woman, something to hide, or make up for. YIKES!

I think it’s sad that her first thought wasn’t, “How sweet! You are so loving and kind to think of me.” Nope! Jump to the negative first. What a shame and possibly a waste of precious time because this will surely end up in a ‘discussion’.

We can retrain ourselves though. That is a fact. We can begin to focus on the good in our lives and our relationships. This is especially true for times when your mind wants to take you on the slanted slopes of mental slavery into the negative.

Ole and I had a book beside the bed.  Every night we would write in 3 to 5 things we were grateful for about each other. I was and still am always grateful for his love. We retrained our thinking patterns to look for the positive in our lives.

Eventually we found that we would only use it if we had been arguing because when you are upset and angry it is absolutely important to acknowledge the things you love about your partner. It is imperative to know that you can be angry with each other but still love one another.

And when your mind wants to jump on the ski hill to negative slavery, STOP! Stop the thought immediately. Don’t even go there because then you start slipping and before you know it you are at the bottom of the hill and angry. About what? Your own assumptions, beliefs and ideas about what is going on. These dangerous thoughts do not help in the truth of the situation.

If you start looking for all the nasty things, you will not have the vision to see and experience all the wonderful, loving adventures in your relationship. OK…Do this RIGHT NOW! Look around your room and count all the things that are red. You have 10 seconds. Hurry! LOOK NOW!

How many things did you see that were green? When all you want to see and focus on are the red things, your mind can not pick up on the green that is surely right in front of you.

It is the same in our relationships. Look for the love. Feel the love. Take a pleasure cruise on the Love Boat your whole life and leave behind the slippery slopes of mental slavery into the negative ( I’m just having a little fun with the imagery ).

Look for the good things in your life and relationship. With every day that passes, comes new and wonderful adventures in our lives. Even in the midst of heavy and sad times there is always something good.

I don’t have my husband here with me now but I can sure remember the love and good times we had. That brings me a lot of happiness knowing that we had such an incredible relationship that others always noticed and commented on.

And I still have my girls…2 dogs and a cat. They make me smile every day.

Look for the good in your life. We have so much to be thankful for.

Passionate regards….Brenda

May, 2005

January 15th, as of 2pm Copenhagen time, I have been without my husband, the love of my life, for 4 years. I took our dogs for a walk and was thinking about Ole and how I used to get on his case about such Stupid Little Things. What I wouldn’t give to have those 30 seconds of dumb, twisted anger to hold him and kiss him and flood his heart with all the love I have in me for him.

We listened to so many ‘experts’ on so many topics. They said, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff.’ I heard it but didn’t live it. I would give all of my tomorrows for just five minutes with Ole. I miss the sound of his voice, the way he walked, the touch of his hand on mine and the softness of his kiss. I miss touching his hair and beard, stroking his back and snuggling with him in bed.

Back to my walk with our girls…

I was thinking about the Stupid Little Things that I got upset about. Things that don’t make any difference in the whole scheme of my life. But I wasted that 30 seconds or 3 minutes of being grumpy. I would give everything to take back that time just to hold him and tell him ‘I love you.’

Then I got to thinking that there are other people that do this too. We had couples talk to us about the little things and how crazy mad they would get at their partner for them. Then I thought that I have to share this with everyone. It is important.

Some of the Stupid Little Things that were brought up were:

• not wiping off the counter when they were done making a sandwich
• leaving their clothes on the floor
• leaving the toilet seat up (classic complaint)
• not cleaning the house
• chewing with their mouth open (one of mine!)
• driving too fast
• driving too slow
• don’t want to go out to visit friend’s

The list could go on but this was just a few I could recall and use from my own list. I can imagine that for some people they are big issues but are they really? When I look back at some of the things I would yell at Ole about, I just cringe in shame. They were just Stupid Little Things.

It is all about perception and how you see the situation. I can hear you already, protesting and saying these things are important. Maybe you are right. Maybe they are important to you today but maybe next week you won’t even flinch if the seat is up when you go in the bathroom.

My point is, Stupid Little Things take up a lot of precious time. Time you could be loving each other. Time you could be kissing or making love. Time you could be talking instead of being angry and yelling.

Time you will never get back!

Our time is the most valuable thing we have. Ole always told me that. Maybe some place inside he knew that his time in this life was so short. I don’t know. I DO know that I can never get back the time I spent being angry over Stupid Little Things. That makes me so very sad.

When you want to react to one of your Stupid Little Things triggers, ask yourself if your life was threatened by this Stupid Little Thing. Ask yourself, that if your lover was to die tomorrow, would you feel guilty about yelling at them over this Stupid Little Thing? Ask yourself, that if you were to die tomorrow, is this the most recent memory you would want for them? Let them live with the guilt of this Stupid Little Thing?

Time is our most valuable asset.

We all only get so many minutes in our adventurous, little life. We aren’t sure how many or when our clock will stop. But we can decide to value the time we have. That means use our time to bring more love into our lives and those around us. And if you really want to have an adventure, bring more love into the world.

Use your time wisely and with love. You will be happier for it!

Passionate regards….Brenda