Archive for May, 2011

26th May

Our 13th Anniversary

Wow! May 25th, yesterday…our 13th wedding anniversary. Too bad Ole wasn’t here to celebrate it with me. On the upside, I had a really nice day though.

A couple years past I would have dreaded our anniversary not to mention birthdays, holidays and any other day that I felt was special to us. But in fact, I had a really good day yesterday.

A couple days before our anniversary I took our girls for a walk at the beach where Ole and I decided to get married. I sat on the tree stretching out to the beach where we talked about what do we do next. And it was there that we decided to get married.

I was remembering how we were a little giddy and goofy, sitting there holding hands and silly smiles letting our decision to kind of soak into our brains because it was already in our hearts. Then Ole turned to me and asked, “Does this mean we are engaged?” I just laughed and said, “I guess so!”

We had a VERY short engagement. It was a Wednesday that we decided to do this and we wanted to get married on the Friday but the Mayor was busy so we had to wait until Monday. When we decided something we didn’t wait too long to take action.

We drove back to Ole’s parents to tell them but I was a BIG chicken. I said I could not understand the language so I would not be able to understand their responses to our decision. All I could do is watch their body language and facial expressions and that may not tell the whole story. So I was a chicken and said I would clean the car while Ole talked with them. Ole was always so brave.

He came out of the house and had a goofy grin. I said, “Did you tell them?” He said, “Yes, I told them everything.” I said, “EVERYTHING?” Yup! We also decided that after we got married we would leave Denmark and move back to Canada. Ole was SO brave.

So our wedding day came, Monday, May 25th, 1998. I wanted to wear jeans and my dad’s Navy Officers blazer but Ole’s mom talked me into a skirt. So I bought a white skirt to go with Dad’s Navy blazer. Very simple but absolutely perfect. Ole wore his jeans and a nice leather vest. He looked SOOO handsome. While I was doing my hair Ole got in the car and took off. He didn’t say where he was going but I had to get myself together so I wasn’t thinking too much about it.

He came back with a bouquet of red roses and daisies. I just about fell off my rocker. Ole said I needed a bouquet to get married with. We had not talked about this at all. But what really threw me was that I always said, all my life, that IF I ever get married, I wanted daisies. Ole didn’t know this. We didn’t talk about flowers AT ALL. He was so amazing in so many different ways.

Long story short, we got married. No it wasn’t for a long time but it was the best time of my life. No we didn’t have a fairytale marriage that flowed with no problems and all was peachy keen. We went through a lot in our short time together but there was one constant that NEVER changed. We loved each other with all of our hearts and souls.

When Ole got sick, he asked me if, knowing what I know now, would I have still married him? I answered him with an emphatic, “A million times over! I love you more for every day that passes.”

That is still true.

Passionate regards….Brenda

At the beach where we got engaged.

Buddha and Dyer in the little forest next to the beach.

16th May

Sharing a Life

Last week I mentioned that I would explain my absence from Passionate Results For Lovers Blog. I have been thinking about this since because I had a feeling what this was all about but wanted to get a better handle on it.

Last November, I started a process that involved applying to go to school here in Denmark. There is a lot playing in this decision. It is a total career change for me. I was trained as a hairdresser in Canada. I took a lot of additional courses and continued to read and explore human behaviour, psychology, body language and the list goes on.

I kind of fell into this work that I am going to school for. When Ole was sick, we had a home care worker come in and check on things once in a while. She didn’t come very often because I was handling Ole’s med’s, bathing, food, all his needs.

She came in one day and said, matter of factly, that I would be good at this job if I wanted to work in this profession. I laughed and said no chance. I do this because Ole is my husband and I want to take care of him. Not have some stranger do that. Even in the hospital, it was me that took care of the personal things Ole needed. I think the nurses got a little miffed at me sometimes because I wanted what I wanted for my husband. Simple as that.

Then after Ole died, I started working as a cleaning lady for a company that a friend worked for. I needed something to do to keep me busy as well as earn money. And I figured that cleaning was a good job. Not a lot of thinking involved and I could be left by myself. I started this job about a year after Ole died.

I really enjoyed the job. The company had a contract cleaning at a handicapped house. At first I didn’t know if I could work there but as it turned out, I loved it. I quit the cleaning job and went to work IN the handicapped house caring for the people who live there. I was there almost 2 years. My heart started to hurt when I could see there could be improvements but from knowing the people who worked there, it was never going to happen.

I applied for many jobs and some I really didn’t know what I was applying for. That is how I got the job that would move me forward to go to school. I applied for a job that was in fact…home care! And I got it and have worked there for over a year now. I love this job!

So what does this have to do with my vacation from my blog? When I started this process of applying and waiting to see if I was accepted and then being accepted and wondering if I could make it through, being that the course is taught in Danish, all I could think about, and still think about is I want to share this with Ole.

I want to tell him about my day. I want to ask him questions. I want to rant and rave because I am pissed off with all the group work we do. I want him to hold me and kiss me and tell me he is so proud of me. I want him to say, “I love you.”

I have never been afraid to try something new or learn something new. I just miss sharing my life with the man I love. I wasn’t ready to share all that on the blog until now.

And what could you possibly learn from my story here that could apply to your own relationship? A life filled with love is about sharing the good times and the bad. It is about changes and new beginnings. It is about love, laughter, tears and regrets. But it is a life shared that grows that love with that one person that is THE MOST important to you in your life. Or should be!

Passionate regards….Brenda

5th May

I Thought I Lost You

I have had such a scare. I thought that I had lost my blog. There was some updates with my web host and I could not find my blog. I thought all was lost…all my posts…I was so upset, sad and didn’t know where to start.

I know it has been a few months getting back to my writing but I will save that story for another day. I thought being that I felt I had lost everything here, I would post an article I wrote about grief and the grieving journey.

After all, we are all one day, going to experience that crushing pain of grief when a person close to you moves from this earth plane to the spiritual. This way, you are a little more prepared. So here is it.

3 Things You Should Never Do While Grieving

And 1 Thing You Must Always Remember

January 15, 2006…sitting in a foreign country, my husband’s home land, in a hospital, at the bedside of the love of my life and watching him die. Ole was my life, my everything. Everyone said we had such a special relationship. I thought everyone that loved their husband or wife lived like this but family, friends, people that we would just meet all said what we had was special. And it was.

So to sit and watch this loving, amazing, smart, funny, handsome, sexy man I called my husband die in front of my eyes, totally destroyed everything I thought I believed in, ever thought about and my desire to live.

But sitting here now, 5 years later, I can impart some of what I learned on my journey of Grief. I capitalize that word because it is so heavy to carry and even heavier to live with.

There are three important points you should try to remember while experiencing this deep pain and loss as you travel this lonely road called Grief.

  1. NEVER, I will repeat, NEVER apologize for how you feel or the tears that fall and scorch your face. You are entitled and have that right to show how deeply you hurt and how crushed your heart is at this moment. I have always felt that if I was to apologize for crying or sobbing or being angry over Ole’s death, that I was apologizing for showing how deeply I loved him and what a void there is in my heart and life now. I will NEVER apologize for feeling and loving my husband.
  2. Don’t Give ANYTHING Away…at least not yet. When Ole died, I just wanted to clear out so much from our house. Books, things, stuff, his stuff, important stuff, meaningless stuff, my stuff…and more. I regret that now. At the time I was so dead myself that I could not see any reason why I would ever want or need this stuff again. So I gave away a lot of stuff that I wish I would have just packed up and put out of sight if it bothered me so much to see it. There have been so many times I wanted to look up a reference in a book or look for a tool or whatever and it was gone. Take a day, ask for help if need be, and pack all this STUFF away. Don’t give it away, just put it out of sight because a couple years down the road, you will be looking for it. I have heard this from many people who lost their partner.
  3. Finding Your New Normal Takes Work. You have to understand that you will not just wake up in one year, two years or however long it is after crying everyday and sometimes several times in the day feeling that pain in your chest and the emptiness in your life and say, “Well, I feel better now. I am so glad I got through that!” Doesn’t happen that way. But there will come a day when a small voice inside your head says, “I need to find a better way to live. I need to create a happier life now. I want to smile and laugh and live again.” That day will be the first day of you starting to create your new normal. Rejoice! But know that it takes work, conscious thought and desire to live a happy life again. You can and will do it!

This important…the One Thing to Remember is that my experience is only mine. And that your experiences are yours. I can never feel what you are feeling but I can be empathetic and maybe even supportive in some way. Just think about what I have said. One day you may think back and say, “I understand now.”

 May your journey to your new normal be swift.

Passionate regards….Brenda

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