Archive for April, 2010

28th April

FOCUS!

I am a little slow on what is happening in the world at times but I know where my focus is in my life. It is to bring more love into other people’s lives which brings more love into mine.

I received the latest newsletter from FinerMinds and there was a video link on it. From this link I clicked on a couple more and then I came to the Starbucks Love Project. WOW!

It brought me to tears!

There are many horrible events happening the world over. We have front row seats to many of them on our TVs. I don’t watch the news. I don’t read newspapers. I read the headlines on the Internet. I don’t even read all of them anymore as it all focuses on the nasty, terrible happenings in our world.

But the Starbucks Love Project turned the lightbulb on in my head. There were 156 countries that participated in this project. That is a lot of diverse people with different beliefs and cultures all focusing on one thing…LOVE.

The countries in this video are many of the same ones we see on the nightly news. It is sad we don’t see the encouraging pieces of information coming from our newscasters. If we saw more positive stories on our newscasts, think about how that would impact our world. WOW!

I believe this is the same in our relationships. Ole and I always focused on our love. Yes, you know from past posts that we argued, but that NEVER meant we didn’t love each other.

We listened to many couples talk about their relationships and what was wrong with this, that or the other person. That was their focus. They only saw the negative bits of their partner and their relationship.

When I would want to talk to Ole about something I wouldn’t first think ‘Oh..I hope this doesn’t end up in a huge argument’. That is only putting the focus on arguing instead of finding a solution or coming to some kind of an agreement.

I was talking with a friend the other day about going to a sweat lodge. We had been to one last year and both enjoyed it to no end. But she said she was scared to go because she was worried she would get claustrophobic in the sweat hut.

I asked her if she enjoyed it last time. She said yes. I asked her if she had a problem with it last time. She said no. I said then she should focus on what she liked and how great she felt instead of projecting the negative before it even happens. She lit up and said, “You’re right!”

The first 2½ to 3 years after Ole died I focused on death. I saw death all around me…funerals…hearses…roadkill…death on TV…sad death movies…it was awful. But I was so focused on dying that I was trying to will myself to die to be with Ole.  I know it sounds silly now, but I was so low in my energy and my thoughts.

When I finally woke up and realised that I was not dying, I decided that I better find a better way to live. If I have to be on this earth a while longer, I want to have the best life I can possibly have.

Now my focus is on living. I am paying attention to what I eat and most of all, what I think. I love the walks I take with my dogs whether it is sunny out or blustery and cold. I love going to work and talking with the people that have homecare. I love writing this blog and hoping that I am helping someone else have a better life.

I love the life I am creating. There…I said it!

It is not that I like being without Ole but I love the life I am creating without him. That dosn’t mean I don’t miss him every second of every day but I am learning to live with that. And I know he is still here with me in my heart and my thoughts. So that is better than nothing.

But I am not a sad-natured person. I love to laugh and have fun. I love to make other’s smile and laugh. I love to give people hugs and be hugged. I love to hug my dogs (and cat when she lets me).

We are bombarded with negative images, ideas, stories, movies, thoughts and other people’s beliefs. Has it gotten to the point where this is the norm? Only if that is what we focus on. Only if we allow our lives to run on autopilot and accept all this crap on a day to day basis.

Make a commitment to yourself that you will focus on the things that are wonderful, fun, loving and amazing in your life. Take the time to write 3 to 5 things everyday before you go to bed that makes you happy or are grateful for. Take the time to say out loud that you love your life.

Free yourself from the negative burden we sometimes unknowingly carry around just because it is thrown at us from all sides. Start throwing it back and release your focus from the nasty, horrible, scary things in this world to see the sun shine through the rain clouds and the love that is waiting to be acknowledged each and every moment of your life.

The Starbucks Love Project. Check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nh7D2g5v-Sg 

FOCUS on the greatness in your life, your relationship and you.

Passionate regards….Brenda

23rd April

Romantic Getaways-part 1

What does that mean to you to go on a Romantic Getaway? Take the weekend and go to a fancy 5 star hotel? Find a wonderful spa for you and your lover to indulge your every pampered thought and desire? Me too!

How about a camping trip when it is a little too cold for camping?

Imagine this…

It was end of April in the Rocky Mountains and Ole, my husband, came to pick me up from work. He sported a Cheshire grin and I said what’s up. He said he had a surprise for me. He was taking me away for a night of fun and passion.

I was excited. I thought hotel? Jacuzzi? Romantic Dinner? All of the above? Loving in luxury is always a favorite of mine.

Luxury it wasn’t. We started by stopping at Subway Subs for a snack for the road. Ole said he had supper under control but it would be a little while before we would eat so we should have something to tide us over till then.

When we settled back into the truck Ole ginned again and said he had been shopping. Now we are back on track I thought. Maybe some new love toys to use in our beautiful hotel room. I said great, where? His answer: Canadian Tire! I knew that this was not going to be what I expected.

We were going camping! We drove for about 3 hours then started to look for a secluded spot. Ole wanted a place where we can just set up. Not a campground with other people. Someplace we could relax and spend time together. 

We found a little clearing on the side of the road. It had a small stream running by it. It was so pretty and quiet. We set up the tent and pumped up the new air mattress from Canadian Tire. We had to have a tarp over the fire pit as it started to rain a little. Ole had bought a couple really nice steaks and made up potatoes with carrots and onions in a foil pouch. What a wonderful meal.

Ole also bought some fishing equipment. I had never fished before in my life. But he thought it would be fun and something relaxing to do together. And we could do this while our supper cooked. So we put on our insulated coveralls and boots because with night coming and the rain, it was getting cold, and we started fishing.

He was right. It was a great way to connect and enjoy time together. Something we had not tried before.  We didn’t fish long as it was getting dark and we thought we could snuggle around the fire and eat the wonderful meal that he had prepared for us. It was delicious. Good food. Good wine. Great company! What more could I ask for?

After supper we were feeling a little amorous and decided we should try out our new bed. The mood didn’t last long once we started taking off our clothes. IT WAS COLD! We decided it might be best to leave our insulated coveralls on and go to sleep. Then we can share a great breakfast of coffee cooked on the open fire and bacon and eggs.

When the air in the mattress cools off it gets really cold! We tossed and turned and fidgeted until 3 or 4 am. I asked if he was sleeping and he said no. I said why don’t we go home? Ole said he was just thinking the same thing. It is no easy task to take down a camp site at 4am in the dark and the tent is covered in a sheet of ice.

When we got home around 7am, we took a long hot shower together. Crawled into bed and made love. We were content, warm, happy and in love. It was a wonderful romantic getaway.

Romantic getaways are what you make them. This could have been a disaster if all I did was complain and crab about the cold, the rain and camping. But Ole took such pleasure in organizing this trip and was so excited to do this FOR me, I was swept off my feet with his tender gesture.

Be open to the romance in the situation. Open your eyes and your heart to see the love and the fantasy in the moment. You will be so very happy that you did.

Passionate regards….Brenda

20th April

The Power of Touch

I have just been reviewing my posts and reading the comments again. What a wonderful bunch of people coming here and leaving their thoughts about what I write. Thank you ALL… for your time and support.

I can only hope that what Ole and I experienced, talked about and taught in our seminars is helping other people.

We had an amazing marriage. People would always comment on how loving and affectionate we were. And that was our real life not just our public life.

When we drove, we would hold hands. When we walked we would hold hands and take time to steal a kiss or three. When we were at home and playing on the computer or watching TV (when we finally had channels to watch), we would sit close and rest our hand on each other’s leg or snuggle into each other.

We always touched.

It wasn’t that we made a conscious decision to touch but it was just something that we always did. Even out eating at a friend’s house, our legs or hands were touching under the table.

When Ole died, I think that was one of the things I miss most. His hand on mine or arms wrapped around each other. I always felt safe in his arms. Always.

Early in our relationship, and still today I notice that there are many couples that don’t touch. They are missing out on so much. Touch is fundamental in building a strong, healthy relationship.

Scientists have proven that babies will die without touch. They have shown with baby monkeys that even a surrogate mother of cloth that the babies could snuggle up to was better than no touch at all.

Ole and I read about and practiced Tantric sex. We were really starting to get interested in this not long before he died. So we really didn’t have a lot of time with it but it was very interesting and produced some amazing results in our relationship.

Some of the practices that we used regularly was about breath control and touch. There was one particular practice that was beyond words. It was all about creating the flow of energy between our two bodies and spirits.

You sit cross-legged across from one another. Your right hand rests on your lovers heart and theirs on your heart. Your left hand gently cups your lovers genital area and their left hand on yours. You can do this clothed or without clothes.

This is not about sex. You are connecting to each other through breath and energy.

Then you sit still and quiet and look into each other’s eyes. This is not a staring contest. You are allowed to relax and blink. But LOOK into your lover’s eyes. Feel their hands resting on your body and yours on them. Let your breathing synchronize with your lovers. You breath in together and out together.

Now feel the flow of energy that flows into your right hand from their heart through your body and out again from your left hand on their genitals. Your lover concentrates and feels this flow also all the while holding contact with your eyes.

This flow, this circle of energy between the two of you is phenomenal. You won’t believe how alive and wonderful you feel until you try this. The love that flows from your hands into your lovers body and from their hands into you is so tangible and real. Like your bodies have been plugged into an electrical socket. But it is your lover’s energy you are plugged into.

The emotions that would well up unexpectedly between Ole and I were amazing. The love we would feel flowing between us and through us was incredible.

Sometimes we would release through tears of joy and unconditional love. Then sometimes the tears would release the sadness that was sitting inside that we had not let go of. And sometimes we became high in our feelings and just sit and smile at each other.

Hold this position as long as you can. The more you practice the longer you can sit and hold this energy flow. We would aim for 15 minutes. That doesn’t sound like a long time but in the beginning it can be difficult to maintain this position for longer than 5 minutes. As you practice, the longer you will be able to sit.

At first you may feel awkward, a little silly and giggle a bit but persevere. It is worth the effort.

Just writing this the tears flow for both the love we had and the man I lost. I can feel that love flowing through me still as if we were sitting and doing this right now. This excersize is SO POWERFUL.

Stretch yourselves and your comfort zones. Soon you will be excited to try something new and adventurous. Soon you will seek out new experiences that will bring you both closer together.

Be adventurous in your relationship. Explore with your minds and your bodies and never be afraid to try something new and different that brings you closer together and expands your mind to new awareness.

I have gave you an incredible gift here today. The Power of Touch. The Power of Connecting. The Power Within Yourself.

A touch can say something that words can’t.

Passionate regards….Brenda

14th April

Give Them What They Want

How has your week been? Have you let your unconditional love shine through for all to bask in? Feels like the warmth of a beautiful sunny day pouring over you. That goes for both the receiver and the giver!

I have a question for you. Have you ever taken the time to pick out the perfect gift, bouquet, poem or card, or planned THE perfect date to give to that special person in your life and it blew-up like a bomb right in your face as well as your heart? You thought that you had THE PERFECT thing to show how much you cared for this other person and they went crazy.

This has happened to me. I was living with a guy and I wanted to be able to give him a beautiful night with no cares and away from the hectic business he ran. I wanted to just give him a beautiful night off from the headaches and the hassles of clients and everything else in the office.

I had made reservations at a wonderful restaurant and then we were going to go spend the night in a gorgeous B & B. The room was Victorian and I asked for a decadent dessert to be waiting in the room when we arrived. I had candles and flowers, it was beautiful! And perfect, or so I thought.

We went for dinner. All through dinner all he did was grumble and complain about one thing or another. I kept my positive attitude and figured once we got to the B & B, he would relax and start to enjoy himself. Man, what a mistake that was! We walked in and he flipped. He didn’t have time for this blah, blah, blah.

Long story short, he left, I was in tears and the relaxing, romantic night I had planned was a huge bust. I was hurt and angry for a long time, even after we went our separate ways. But I know now that I gave him what ‘I’ wanted. Not what he needed. He needed to work out what was bugging him at the office not have a night off. It may have been a great surprise if my timing would have been better.

Sometimes the best gift we can give to another is just our love and attention. Be aware of what your lover, wife, husband really needs at that moment. The diamond bracelet may seem showy and money poorly spent if their attention is on the less fortunate or if they are worried about your current financial situation.

When you express your love in the form of a gift, make sure it is something the person you are giving it to wants. You wouldn’t give a fishing rod to a person that hates fishing. Why would you give roses to someone with an allergy to flowers? There are many ways to express your love and appreciation to another so show them in their terms.

Think of it this way! If you spoke a foreign language and wanted to show your love to another, you could TELL them all day and if they didn’t understand your words, they would not get the message. But if you told them, looked deep into their eyes, took this person in your arms and kissed them passionately, they would get the drift!

There are times when two people have been together for a while that they forget to pay attention. They go about their everyday business and just expect that their partner KNOWS what they want, thinks, feels. But people change and at a rapid rate these days. There aren’t many bonafide mind readers so we have to keep checking in with our lover and keep current with their ideas and beliefs. Not saying that you have to believe as they do. Just so you know what is going on inside them.

So for this week, pay attention to how you show your love for others. Do you give gifts that YOU like or that THEY WOULD LIKE? Do you KNOW what interests your sweetheart or do you assume what they are interested in?

Write notes if it helps you to remember. Then you will know that they prefer daisies over irises. Then you will know that you can’t go to a seafood restaurant because they don’t like the smell of cooked fish. Or whatever the like or dislike may be.

Our lives speed by so quickly and we get wrapped up in what we are doing that to pay attention to the small things gets forgotten. Take a moment this week and do yourself a favor. ASK QUESTIONS! Even if you think you KNOW the answers, ask anyway. You may find out some very interesting things about those that are closest to you.

Passionate regards….Brenda

5th April

I SEE YOU!

I just saw Avatar and had a HUGE AHA moment. Remember when Nevtiri and Jake Sully said to each other “I SEE YOU“?

WOW! My mind and heart blew wide open and I immediately thought of Ole. Then the tears of love and understanding started to flow.

Why?

Ole would tell me all the time “I love you”. I was nervous that one day those words would have no meaning if he used them too often. Little did I know how much power those words carried and that you can NEVER say them too often.

But when I heard those two Navi say “I SEE YOU” to each other, I understood, REALLY UNDERSTOOD, what saying I Love You means. Of course I have always known what I Love You means but a deeper meaning was revealed to me in that moment.

I mean think about it. What does ‘I Love You’ mean to you? Does it mean you are connected through your emotions or your heart? Does it mean that you are happy to be around this person? Does it mean that your life is better or feels complete with this person in your life? What does ‘I Love You’ mean to you?

When those two Navi said “I SEE YOU”, I totally understood what ‘I Love You’ means to me. I totally understood what Ole was saying to me so many times throughout the day. I totally understood what I felt when I heard him say ‘I Love You’ and what I felt in my heart when I said ‘I Love You Too’.

We were telling each other that we SAW this other person. We SAW all the GREATNESS, all the GOODNESS, all the AMAZING qualities in this other person. We saw all of the flaws, all of the bad decisions, all of the sadness and disappointments as well. And we accepted ALL of this without reserve. We accepted each other as a loving partner in this life.

We SAW each other. We UNDERSTOOD each other. We knew that neither one of us was perfect but at the same time, perfect for each of us to be in this intimate relationship with. This meant accepting this other person as they are.

Take a moment and think about your closest relationships. Do you tell these important people in your life that you love them? When they screw up, and most people do at some point in time, do you still love them or do you turn away? Do you with-hold your affections or your friendship because you feel hurt or betrayed? 

I have done both.

I have had friends that I turned my back on because something happened and my feelings got hurt. I don’t know if it was pride, anger or the hurt went deep into my heart, but there have been times when I didn’t have contact with these ‘friends’ for years. I would have to say that I really didn’t SEE these friends. And on the flip side, maybe they really didn’t SEE me either.

With Ole, there were many times we had cross words but not to the point where we could not talk to each other after. Absolutely, there were times when I needed half an hour or so to calm myself so I could talk rationally but we did eventually talk. We did work out our problems. We never left a problem or argument dangling to produce tension in our relationship.

I wish with all my heart that I could tell Ole “I SEE YOU” and explain how all encompassing those words are for how I feel about him. But I am so grateful that I know Ole SAW me. Even if he said it with ‘I Love You’.

As for my friends, I am wiser now and know that turning my back is not the way to handle a problem in any relationship. Maybe I have grown up at last!

Let the people that are important in your life KNOW that you SEE them. Be brave and feel the greatness in your own heart, in your own being by allowing them to SEE you too.

Passionate regards….Brenda

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