Archive for January, 2010

23rd January

Beliefs and the Games People Play

I have had so many comments to the post Games People Play. Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and comment on them. I am so happy that our marriage, love and ideas are helping other people find the love of their dreams.

What worries me is that there must be many people playing stupid games with their lovers. Why? What does this accomplish?

Are we really programmed to look for the negative in our lives? Do we believe someplace under our surface thoughts that our loving relationship will never last? That all good things must come to an end? Then we do something to screw it up to make sure we were right in believing that?

And of course, the destruction of our relationship is not due to any actions on our part. It is ALWAYS someone’s  fault other than our own that our love life fell apart (my heart is hurting just writing this).

Why can’t we look for the good in what we have? Ole and I held a couples seminar and one woman told us that she gets suspicious of her husband when he brings flowers home. She wonders if he has been out with another woman, something to hide, or make up for. YIKES!

I think it’s sad that her first thought wasn’t, “How sweet! You are so loving and kind to think of me.” Nope! Jump to the negative first. What a shame and possibly a waste of precious time because this will surely end up in a ‘discussion’.

We can retrain ourselves though. That is a fact. We can begin to focus on the good in our lives and our relationships. This is especially true for times when your mind wants to take you on the slanted slopes of mental slavery into the negative.

Ole and I had a book beside the bed.  Every night we would write in 3 to 5 things we were grateful for about each other. I was and still am always grateful for his love. We retrained our thinking patterns to look for the positive in our lives.

Eventually we found that we would only use it if we had been arguing because when you are upset and angry it is absolutely important to acknowledge the things you love about your partner. It is imperative to know that you can be angry with each other but still love one another.

And when your mind wants to jump on the ski hill to negative slavery, STOP! Stop the thought immediately. Don’t even go there because then you start slipping and before you know it you are at the bottom of the hill and angry. About what? Your own assumptions, beliefs and ideas about what is going on. These dangerous thoughts do not help in the truth of the situation.

If you start looking for all the nasty things, you will not have the vision to see and experience all the wonderful, loving adventures in your relationship. OK…Do this RIGHT NOW! Look around your room and count all the things that are red. You have 10 seconds. Hurry! LOOK NOW!

How many things did you see that were green? When all you want to see and focus on are the red things, your mind can not pick up on the green that is surely right in front of you.

It is the same in our relationships. Look for the love. Feel the love. Take a pleasure cruise on the Love Boat your whole life and leave behind the slippery slopes of mental slavery into the negative ( I’m just having a little fun with the imagery ;-)).

Look for the good things in your life and relationship. With every day that passes, comes new and wonderful adventures in our lives. Even in the midst of heavy and sad times there is always something good.

I don’t have my husband here with me now but I can sure remember the love and good times we had. That brings me a lot of happiness knowing that we had such an incredible relationship that others always noticed and commented on.

And I still have my girls…2 dogs and a cat. They make me smile every day.

Look for the good in your life. We have so much to be thankful for.

Passionate regards….Brenda

17th January

Stupid Little Things

 

May, 2005

May, 2005

January 15th, as of 2pm Copenhagen time, I have been without my husband, the love of my life, for 4 years. I took our dogs for a walk and was thinking about Ole and how I used to get on his case about such Stupid Little Things. What I wouldn’t give to have those 30 seconds of dumb, twisted anger to hold him and kiss him and flood his heart with all the love I have in me for him.

We listened to so many ‘experts’ on so many topics. They said, ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff.’ I heard it but didn’t live it. I would give all of my tomorrows for just five minutes with Ole. I miss the sound of his voice, the way he walked, the touch of his hand on mine and the softness of his kiss. I miss touching his hair and beard, stroking his back and snuggling with him in bed.

Back to my walk with our girls…

I was thinking about the Stupid Little Things that I got upset about. Things that don’t make any difference in the whole scheme of my life. But I wasted that 30 seconds or 3 minutes of being grumpy. I would give everything to take back that time just to hold him and tell him ‘I love you.’

Then I got to thinking that there are other people that do this too. We had couples talk to us about the little things and how crazy mad they would get at their partner for them. Then I thought that I have to share this with everyone. It is important.

Some of the Stupid Little Things that were brought up were:

  • not wiping off the counter when they were done making a sandwich
  • leaving their clothes on the floor
  • leaving the toilet seat up (classic complaint)
  • not cleaning the house
  • chewing with their mouth open (one of mine!)
  • driving too fast
  • driving too slow
  • don’t want to go out to visit friend’s

The list could go on but this was just a few I could recall and use from my own list. I can imagine that for some people they are big issues but are they really? When I look back at some of the things I would yell at Ole about, I just cringe in shame. They were just Stupid Little Things.

It is all about perception and how you see the situation. I can hear you already, protesting and saying these things are important. Maybe you are right. Maybe they are important to you today but maybe next week you won’t even flinch if the seat is up when you go in the bathroom.

My point is, Stupid Little Things take up a lot of precious time. Time you could be loving each other. Time you could be kissing or making love. Time you could be talking instead of being angry and yelling.

Time you will never get back!

Our time is the most valuable thing we have. Ole always told me that. Maybe some place inside he knew that his time in this life was so short. I don’t know. I DO know that I can never get back the time I spent being angry over Stupid Little Things. That makes me so very sad.

When you want to react to one of your Stupid Little Things triggers, ask yourself if your life was threatened by this Stupid Little Thing. Ask yourself, that if your lover was to die tomorrow, would you feel guilty about yelling at them over this Stupid Little Thing? Ask yourself, that if you were to die tomorrow, is this the most recent memory you would want for them? Let them live with the guilt of this Stupid Little Thing?

Time is our most valuable asset.

We all only get so many minutes in our adventurous, little life. We aren’t sure how many or when our clock will stop. But we can decide to value the time we have. That means use our time to bring more love into our lives and those around us. And if you really want to have an adventure, bring more love into the world.

Use your time wisely and with love. You will be happier for it!

Passionate regards….Brenda

8th January

Make Everything You do Count

I was just reading an article on minimalist lifestyle that a fellow twitter, @RobLear posted the link to. You can read the article here if you are interested http://is.gd/2m12u

It made me think about relationships and the all the stuff we do that just ‘fills’ a day. How much of it REALLY counts?I am not saying we should take our relationships to a minimalist exisitance but that we CAN become aware of what we do in our relationships that really produce wonderful results.

For instance, a kiss. How many times do you just peck your partner upon waking, saying good-bye or a greeting peck-kiss? Yes, this does impart affection but imagine if you took your lover in your arms before you left for work and made that kiss count.

Imagine passion enveloping the both of you in that kiss. Your eyes meeting, the tenderness of your embrace, the anticipation of your lips joining…sigh. Then…you KISS. You hold each other and fall passionately in love all over again for that 2 minutes you decided to Make Everything You Do Count.

Now imagine returning home. Your lover will be waiting for you, anticipating what comes next. You will be anxious to get home to hold your darling once more and dive into that feeling of love and bliss.  You made that kiss count. How beautiful that a kiss can open hearts to feel so much.

But what about in the other areas of your life together. Ole and I heard couples talk about how one would do most of the household chores while the other turned a blind eye. It can build into a real problem for some people to the point of huge arguments.

If you are reading this and nodding your head in agreement you are either the one doing the chores or the one that is being yelled at for being lazy. So what is the solution…Make Everything You Do Count! And I don’t mean this in a ‘get brownie points’ kind of way.

If you are the person that is doing the chores and most likely the yelling, stop for a moment and ask what you can do different in this situation. Some people just expect that the other person will see you picking up and cleaning the house and join in. That could be a dream you are living in…yes?

Go to your partner and tell them you are feeling a little amourous but the house is putting a damper on your mood. If your lover would help with the household chores, you could enjoy some love-time together after. And with their help, it won’t take so long. Of course this is a bribe but what a delicious reward.

Your love-time could be anything that makes you both feel connected and wonderful and totally loved and in-love. You can snuggle on the couch, watch a movie, go for a walk and hold hands, talk, make love, sit in the car and make out, watch the sunset. You decide but make it count. Don’t set a time limit. Just let your love flow and your hearts open.

Now, the person that is usually the recipient of the anger and accusations of being lazy…Make Everything You Do Count! Get off your butt and help. I know it is easy to get lost in a project and completely loose focus of the outside world. But you have to open your sights a bit. It’s Saturday and that is the day the house gets cleaned but you sit at your latest project and poof! The world disappears.

Before you go to that project or the tv or out to the garage, go to your sweety and say you would like to help with the Saturday chores so that you have more time to be together after. Or that you both can enjoy your projects when things are done.

Back to the first person…be patient. Your lover may not do or clean the way you do but they are giving their best. So be happy they are helping. No critisizing or complaining. Offer suggestions how they can achieve better results. Make Everything You Do Count!

Back to the second person…understand that your lover is not critisizing you. There are some things we are good at and some we are not. So take the advise and run with it. Learn from the master so to speak. Make Everything You Do Count!

Ole would help me around house. In the beginning I would get riled up because he didn’t do things the way I wanted or whatever. But then I realised at least he was helping. So if there was a specific way I wanted something done,  I would ask him to do it like such and such. No yelling. No demanding. No making him feel upset or sad. And the same went for him when I was helping him.

We LOVED being together. Didn’t matter if we were cleaning house or collecting firewood or watching a movie, it was great.

Make Everything You Do Count! You don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

Passionate regards….Brenda

4th January

Wishes and Dreams for 2010

!*!*!*!*!Happy New Year!*!*!*!*!

I have been working on a few things this past month and the holidays are still a little tough to handle without Ole. So I thought it was best to lie low and take care of myself.

So what kind of dreams do you have for 2010? What do you most wish for in this new year? Are you wishing to save the world from hunger and poverty? Are you dreaming of world peace? These are wonderful wishes and dreams and anything is possible so keep up the good thoughts.

What about for yourself? I know we all make the ‘I am going to loose 20 pounds this year’ resolution. Some are diligent enough to achieve the goal and others are swayed with the instant pleasure of chocolate on their lips. Okay I am really talking about myself here;-)

But I have made some pretty lofty wishes, dreams and goals for myself in 2010. I feel that this year is a special year for me and I am pretty sure I will achieve what I set out to do. 

1. Be happy…the past four years have been so very hard loosing Ole. I have been to hell and climbing my way out. I was naturally more on the happy/optimistic-side-of-life kind of gal. I miss that part of me. After Ole died, I was no longer that person and never will be who I was before. So I have decided to create a NEW happy/optimistic Me.

2. Share the love…I have been working in a handicap 24/7 facility for the past couple years. I love working there and I love hugging those people and dancing and playing with them. I believe I have made a difference in their lives. I still had so much love to give and I was so fortunate to have these people come into my life when I needed them most. As I loved them more and more, this love flowed right back to me from their wonderful, amazing selves. I will be forever grateful for this experience.

3. Help others…I love helping people. It doesn’t matter how I just like helping. If it’s helping to rip down a wall or to lend a soft shoulder and an open ear. I was a hairstylist for over 25 years. I loved my job. I loved to see people feel good when they walked out of my salon. The smiles and the new found confidence in their face meant everything to me. I loved to listen to their stories and offer what little wisdom I could to make them see their life was going great. I love helping others.

4. Start over…an odd dream/goal wouldn’t you say? I have been getting my house ready to sell here in Denmark so I can move back to Canada in the spring. I have nothing in Canada. Family yes, but no job, house, car, furniture. Nothing! I am starting over. I wish that this new start is the beginning to a remarkable new life. A life where I can continue to make a difference in our world by being happy, sharing love and helping others.

So those are my wishes and dreams for 2010. I am hoping that I will be able to accomplish the first three with this blog. Some feedback on what you would like to see here in regard with relationships would be great. I know Ole and I can help. I say Ole also because I learned so much from him how to love and help others and he made me VERY happy.

I found a letter from a dear friend after Ole died. She wrote:’…your great stories of your adventures as a couple – I could go on for a while but won’t. You were both an inspiration to me.Your deep love for Ole was so evident. Not afraid to share an embrace or a kiss in front of us – how special! May you find comfort and peace in your aching heart…’

I wish that for you too. May you find comfort and peace in 2010. May all your most heart felt wishes and dreams become your reality. May you have a most blessed and amazing year in 2010.

Passionate regards….Brenda

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