26th June

The Power of Words

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

I am going to start this post with a short video. You may have even seen it before but it shows how powerful your words are and how important it is to formulate what you want to say in the best way possible. It is less than 2 minutes and VERY powerful!


 
Are you wondering what that has to do with me and Ole? Everything!

We talked to each other a lot. We would ALWAYS end our day with a good talk in bed. We would connect each night this way on what happened and how we were feeling about what was going on in our lives.

Was this important? YOU BET! There are far too many couples that lose touch with each other because they don’t talk. They let the kids, their jobs, the families, their hobbies, their friends, and all the other things life consists of get in the way of being CONNECTED and TOGETHER. 

Just because 2 people live together does not mean they are communicating on a regular basis. Oh sure they do the “How was your day? What did you do? Did you pick up the milk? Will you get the kids today?” And so it goes. 

But they never get into the meat and potatoes of their relationship and find out what is happening in their hearts, minds and souls. This is where relationships are built and this is where a relationship grows stronger.

Think back to this little video you just watched. What did you FEEL when you watched it? Take a minute and do this. You might find out you haven’t been checking in with yourself either. So take a minute and think about what you felt as you watched this video.

I have watched this video several times and I get teary each time. The Power of Words….amazing isn’t it!

Maybe the reason why it touches me so deeply is because I know my words were not always so kind. I know I have hurt people deeply with things I have said in the heat of a moment. And once those words are expressed, there is no going back. You can apologize as many times as you want but the words still hang in the air. Even if the person you said them to forgives and forgets, you never do.

What I am suggesting is just be aware of how you talk to each other and other people in general. Notice the tone of your voice and the words you use. You can still ask your sweetheart, “How are you?”. But the way you ask will give it a whole new meaning showing them that you are truly interested in what their answer will be.

Choose your words wisely. They are the building blocks to a romantic, wonderful life with your partner that you never dreamed possible. Make sure the words you use come from your heart and not that place where you think “This is what they want to hear.”…because that place is empty. Those words hold no weight and can be blown away along with your sincerity and the trust of your partner.

The Power of Words! Words can destroy quicker than the blink of an eye. But just by taking a second to think before you speak, your words can also build a beautiful, loving amazing experience.

Passionate regards….Brenda

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17th June

My Powerful AHA Moment

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

I have been trying to figure out what to write about this week. I had a big AHA moment yesterday. Then, when I was watching So You Think You Can Dance today, that AHA moment was re-enforced with a power that is as strong as love.

First the AHA moment. I was having a chat with myself while I folded laundry. Just general life stuff, nothing really important. Then…BAM! This came out of the blue and I was awe struck. Not only from the weight that this AHA carries but also from my own cleverness 😉

“Life doesn’t come to you…you come to LIFE!”

I thought, “OMG…that is SO true!” There are so many people waiting for their life to begin whether that includes finding the perfect partner, job, haircut or whatever it is. But they don’t realize that for their life to begin, they have to come to life. I was/am still so intrigued and excited by this thought.

So how does SYTYCD fit into this? Watching the way those dancers fill up that stage and dance with such grace, showmanship and talent awes me. Then to stand before the judges not knowing for sure what they will say. Their smiles are so big and excited and hopeful for their future….that is when it hit me square in my heart.

After 5½ years of being without my amazing wonderful husband, I am still waiting for my life to begin. The tears poured down my face. The ache and longing for Ole tearing apart my heart. Then understanding the real purpose of my AHA moment.

I have to come to LIFE!

Ole and I had such a full life. We did most everything together. We laughed, we loved, we cried, we argued, we made up. But our life was never humdrum or dull. We came to life so easily with each other. We didn’t wait for life to come to us. There was always a project we were working on. There was always something we were striving for. There was always something to do.

And there was always love.

The thing I find most amazing about this AHA moment is once I understood what this really meant to me, I could feel how empty I still am inside. I though I was filling up and building my new life with going to school, new friends, new ideas, etc. But I have not COME to life yet.

I don’t know what it will take to feel like I am full of life again like I did with Ole, but I think I took a huge step in the right direction from my AHA moment.

Just take a couple minutes and think about your own life. Do you feel filled with LIFE? Are you COMING to LIFE or are you waiting for life to come to you?

I hope you can feel the POWER of this AHA moment as much as I have because this is a doozy. At least for me.

Passionate regards….Brenda

© 2010-2017 Passionate Results for Lovers All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

26th May

Our 13th Anniversary

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

Wow! May 25th, yesterday…our 13th wedding anniversary. Too bad Ole wasn’t here to celebrate it with me. On the upside, I had a really nice day though.

A couple years past I would have dreaded our anniversary not to mention birthdays, holidays and any other day that I felt was special to us. But in fact, I had a really good day yesterday.

A couple days before our anniversary I took our girls for a walk at the beach where Ole and I decided to get married. I sat on the tree stretching out to the beach where we talked about what do we do next. And it was there that we decided to get married.

I was remembering how we were a little giddy and goofy, sitting there holding hands and silly smiles letting our decision to kind of soak into our brains because it was already in our hearts. Then Ole turned to me and asked, “Does this mean we are engaged?” I just laughed and said, “I guess so!”

We had a VERY short engagement. It was a Wednesday that we decided to do this and we wanted to get married on the Friday but the Mayor was busy so we had to wait until Monday. When we decided something we didn’t wait too long to take action.

We drove back to Ole’s parents to tell them but I was a BIG chicken. I said I could not understand the language so I would not be able to understand their responses to our decision. All I could do is watch their body language and facial expressions and that may not tell the whole story. So I was a chicken and said I would clean the car while Ole talked with them. Ole was always so brave.

He came out of the house and had a goofy grin. I said, “Did you tell them?” He said, “Yes, I told them everything.” I said, “EVERYTHING?” Yup! We also decided that after we got married we would leave Denmark and move back to Canada. Ole was SO brave.

So our wedding day came, Monday, May 25th, 1998. I wanted to wear jeans and my dad’s Navy Officers blazer but Ole’s mom talked me into a skirt. So I bought a white skirt to go with Dad’s Navy blazer. Very simple but absolutely perfect. Ole wore his jeans and a nice leather vest. He looked SOOO handsome. While I was doing my hair Ole got in the car and took off. He didn’t say where he was going but I had to get myself together so I wasn’t thinking too much about it.

He came back with a bouquet of red roses and daisies. I just about fell off my rocker. Ole said I needed a bouquet to get married with. We had not talked about this at all. But what really threw me was that I always said, all my life, that IF I ever get married, I wanted daisies. Ole didn’t know this. We didn’t talk about flowers AT ALL. He was so amazing in so many different ways.

Long story short, we got married. No it wasn’t for a long time but it was the best time of my life. No we didn’t have a fairytale marriage that flowed with no problems and all was peachy keen. We went through a lot in our short time together but there was one constant that NEVER changed. We loved each other with all of our hearts and souls.

When Ole got sick, he asked me if, knowing what I know now, would I have still married him? I answered him with an emphatic, “A million times over! I love you more for every day that passes.”

That is still true.

Passionate regards….Brenda

At the beach where we got engaged.

Buddha and Dyer in the little forest next to the beach.

© 2010-2017 Passionate Results for Lovers All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

16th May

Sharing a Life

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

Last week I mentioned that I would explain my absence from Passionate Results For Lovers Blog. I have been thinking about this since because I had a feeling what this was all about but wanted to get a better handle on it.

Last November, I started a process that involved applying to go to school here in Denmark. There is a lot playing in this decision. It is a total career change for me. I was trained as a hairdresser in Canada. I took a lot of additional courses and continued to read and explore human behaviour, psychology, body language and the list goes on.

I kind of fell into this work that I am going to school for. When Ole was sick, we had a home care worker come in and check on things once in a while. She didn’t come very often because I was handling Ole’s med’s, bathing, food, all his needs.

She came in one day and said, matter of factly, that I would be good at this job if I wanted to work in this profession. I laughed and said no chance. I do this because Ole is my husband and I want to take care of him. Not have some stranger do that. Even in the hospital, it was me that took care of the personal things Ole needed. I think the nurses got a little miffed at me sometimes because I wanted what I wanted for my husband. Simple as that.

Then after Ole died, I started working as a cleaning lady for a company that a friend worked for. I needed something to do to keep me busy as well as earn money. And I figured that cleaning was a good job. Not a lot of thinking involved and I could be left by myself. I started this job about a year after Ole died.

I really enjoyed the job. The company had a contract cleaning at a handicapped house. At first I didn’t know if I could work there but as it turned out, I loved it. I quit the cleaning job and went to work IN the handicapped house caring for the people who live there. I was there almost 2 years. My heart started to hurt when I could see there could be improvements but from knowing the people who worked there, it was never going to happen.

I applied for many jobs and some I really didn’t know what I was applying for. That is how I got the job that would move me forward to go to school. I applied for a job that was in fact…home care! And I got it and have worked there for over a year now. I love this job!

So what does this have to do with my vacation from my blog? When I started this process of applying and waiting to see if I was accepted and then being accepted and wondering if I could make it through, being that the course is taught in Danish, all I could think about, and still think about is I want to share this with Ole.

I want to tell him about my day. I want to ask him questions. I want to rant and rave because I am pissed off with all the group work we do. I want him to hold me and kiss me and tell me he is so proud of me. I want him to say, “I love you.”

I have never been afraid to try something new or learn something new. I just miss sharing my life with the man I love. I wasn’t ready to share all that on the blog until now.

And what could you possibly learn from my story here that could apply to your own relationship? A life filled with love is about sharing the good times and the bad. It is about changes and new beginnings. It is about love, laughter, tears and regrets. But it is a life shared that grows that love with that one person that is THE MOST important to you in your life. Or should be!

Passionate regards….Brenda

© 2010-2017 Passionate Results for Lovers All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

5th May

I Thought I Lost You

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   2 Comments »

I have had such a scare. I thought that I had lost my blog. There was some updates with my web host and I could not find my blog. I thought all was lost…all my posts…I was so upset, sad and didn’t know where to start.

I know it has been a few months getting back to my writing but I will save that story for another day. I thought being that I felt I had lost everything here, I would post an article I wrote about grief and the grieving journey.

After all, we are all one day, going to experience that crushing pain of grief when a person close to you moves from this earth plane to the spiritual. This way, you are a little more prepared. So here is it.

3 Things You Should Never Do While Grieving

And 1 Thing You Must Always Remember

January 15, 2006…sitting in a foreign country, my husband’s home land, in a hospital, at the bedside of the love of my life and watching him die. Ole was my life, my everything. Everyone said we had such a special relationship. I thought everyone that loved their husband or wife lived like this but family, friends, people that we would just meet all said what we had was special. And it was.

So to sit and watch this loving, amazing, smart, funny, handsome, sexy man I called my husband die in front of my eyes, totally destroyed everything I thought I believed in, ever thought about and my desire to live.

But sitting here now, 5 years later, I can impart some of what I learned on my journey of Grief. I capitalize that word because it is so heavy to carry and even heavier to live with.

There are three important points you should try to remember while experiencing this deep pain and loss as you travel this lonely road called Grief.

  1. NEVER, I will repeat, NEVER apologize for how you feel or the tears that fall and scorch your face. You are entitled and have that right to show how deeply you hurt and how crushed your heart is at this moment. I have always felt that if I was to apologize for crying or sobbing or being angry over Ole’s death, that I was apologizing for showing how deeply I loved him and what a void there is in my heart and life now. I will NEVER apologize for feeling and loving my husband.
  2. Don’t Give ANYTHING Away…at least not yet. When Ole died, I just wanted to clear out so much from our house. Books, things, stuff, his stuff, important stuff, meaningless stuff, my stuff…and more. I regret that now. At the time I was so dead myself that I could not see any reason why I would ever want or need this stuff again. So I gave away a lot of stuff that I wish I would have just packed up and put out of sight if it bothered me so much to see it. There have been so many times I wanted to look up a reference in a book or look for a tool or whatever and it was gone. Take a day, ask for help if need be, and pack all this STUFF away. Don’t give it away, just put it out of sight because a couple years down the road, you will be looking for it. I have heard this from many people who lost their partner.
  3. Finding Your New Normal Takes Work. You have to understand that you will not just wake up in one year, two years or however long it is after crying everyday and sometimes several times in the day feeling that pain in your chest and the emptiness in your life and say, “Well, I feel better now. I am so glad I got through that!” Doesn’t happen that way. But there will come a day when a small voice inside your head says, “I need to find a better way to live. I need to create a happier life now. I want to smile and laugh and live again.” That day will be the first day of you starting to create your new normal. Rejoice! But know that it takes work, conscious thought and desire to live a happy life again. You can and will do it!

This important…the One Thing to Remember is that my experience is only mine. And that your experiences are yours. I can never feel what you are feeling but I can be empathetic and maybe even supportive in some way. Just think about what I have said. One day you may think back and say, “I understand now.”

 May your journey to your new normal be swift.

Passionate regards….Brenda

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22nd October

Just For Fun…

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

I thought I would throw something your way Just For Fun this week.

I was looking at the world-wide web and came across two interesting little articles. The premise of the articles was that by puckering up and kissing a piece of paper with freshly applied lipsticked lips, you can read more into your personality. I was curious to say the least. I love to learn more about myself and even more so have a little fun doing this.

So I ran to my bathroom and took my darkest (so I could see it clearly on the paper) lipstick. I carefully applied it to my lush, full lips. Raced back to my office, puckered up and kissed a piece of white A4 paper. Now they recommend that you smooch with stock paper, something with a little stiffness to it but I didn’t have any. Printer paper would have to do.

I proceeded to search the imprints in the article to learn more about me. I had both a full upper and lower lip plus dark saturation. What does this mean? First I must tell you that I think the test was pretty accurate for me. So let me share what my findings produced.

Full Upper Lip:

  • wonderful listener
  • shoulder to cry on
  • good at helping people solve their problems

Full Lower Lip:

  • children and pets adore this person
  • could be a writer, speaker or entertainer of some kind

Dark Saturation:

  • cheerleader
  • lots of energy (other people are aware of it too)
  • once they decide what they want, no reason they won’t succeed
  • excellent leadership qualities
  • good at getting others to buy into their ideas
  • usually own their own business or at least have others working for them

Yeah I can see myself in some of these and I know what I want and have things to work on to get there. Do I want people to ‘buy’ into my ideas? I don’t think I would put it that way. I would like people to see the value in what I have to say and adopt the ideas into their own life.

Do I have excellent leadership qualities? I would say not at this point because I get frustrated when I ask someone to do something for me and it is not done the way I want it. I can feel my heart pump a little faster and the flush come to my cheeks. Then think I should just do it myself. So this, which I knew before hand, is a quality I have to work on.

There was also a link for the men. But being that I don’t have Ole here with me I had to turn to his brother, Gert. I asked him, for science sake, if he would try this test and let me know how accurate it was for a man. The results were not so good.

First, Gert WOULD NOT have lipstick put on him so he opted to use Nutella. I can’t keep a straight face just writing this. I would have loved to have been in their kitchen for this. But Nutella was not the best choice for accuracy. It smudged a little bit too much to be able to define good results.

But I did receive a nice email after thanking me for encouraging him to be embarrassed in front of his girlfriend. LOL! But I give him credit for at least entertaining the idea. Thanks Gert.

Ole would have done it I am sure. He was not above having a little fun with silly stuff. Even as much as he hated lipstick (he hated kissing me when I had lipstick on, lol), I think he would have given it a shot. Maybe it was that part of me that helps people to ‘buy into my ideas’?

When we had our salon in Okotoks, Alberta, we brought in a new product that would stain your hair wild and funky colors. This was many years ago when this was a new and exciting phenomenon. Ole said he would put a piece of purple into his hair for fun. So there was this 6’7″ man with a beautiful red beard, golden hair and a flash of purple above his forehead. He said he wouldn’t have it forever but it was just for fun. He had that fash of color till his next haircut a month later.

What about you and your lover? When was the last time you did something just to be silly, laugh with wild abandonment and feel good? Having fun with each other is so important to build the intimacy between you. Being able to laugh at the silliness of the moment not in judgement or in ridicule but just in enjoying sharing a fun silly moment together that lets both of your defenses down and shows a little vulnerability.

Ole and I shared MANY of these moments. Neither of us was afraid to show that vulnerable part to the other. And I can see neither was his brother afraid.

Love, Laugh, Live…..need I say more?

Passionate results….Brenda

Here are the links for the tests. I would LOVE to hear your results. Email me at info@passionateresultsforlovers.com or come back and leave a comment here. Enjoy!

For the Ladies  http://theurl.be/?i=22 

For the Men  http://theurl.be/?i=23

© 2010-2017 Passionate Results for Lovers All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

14th October

Love Helps Ease Pain

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

I just read a fascinating article that stated Love Helps Ease Pain. How cool is that! Professor Arthur Aron of the State University of New York at Stony Brook, who studies the neurology of love,  has linked that euphoric phase of a fresh romance to brain regions rich in the chemical dopamine.

What is dopamine and how does it work in the body? Think about the little lift you get when you eat chocolate. That is what dopamine does for you. It comes from the reward pathway in your brain, that feel-good place when you do certain activities or actions. It is the same place in your brain that addictive drugs go to, like cocaine for example, to produce those feel good feelings.

“When people are in love, in many ways it’s not dissimilar to what they get when they take amphetamines or stimulants: They’re very excited, have loss of appetite, sleep loss, they’re active, full of energy,” noted Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse and a dopamine expert.

In Aron’s study, they used different ways to creat a moderate pain in their test subjects and found that if they were looking at a photo of their beloved while the pain stimulus was applied, there was less pain.

This is powerful stuff! So many sages of the ages have advocated that all we need is love. Maybe that is turning out to be truer than we know.

Think about the healing power of a mother’s kiss. When a small child bumps themself and runs crying to Mommy, all she has to do is apply a little tender loving care, a kiss on the boo-boo and perhaps a band-aid. The healing has begun!

I know there have been times when I have hurt myself like cut my finger really deep or knocked my head hard on a shelf. Then the tears started and all I wanted was to see Ole. This was before he died too but I still do that now. I just wanted to see him and feel his arms around me telling me I am okay. Giving me that healing dose of love.

I know I have been in situations with another person and they are hurt. Pain from a physical injury or a severe injury to their heart. I would sit with them and think, “Ole should be here. He would be good to help here.” And by just thinking about my sweetheart, I could keep myself calmer and more collected.

I get easily wrapped up in other people’s pain. At least I used to. I have learned to distance myself because I am no good to them if I sit here crying for them. But I think it is funny that even though it wasn’t MY pain, I was still looking to Ole to help ease the situation.

Love is VERY powerful. More so than we mere mortals will EVER know. Funny but I just thought of that movie Monsters Inc. The monsters were harnessing the power of the fear driven screams for the electricity in their world. But then they found out that the giggles, laughter and love produced a much more POWERFUL energy.

Try this little experiment this week. When someone upsets you or makes you angry(hence pain), why not think about someone you love instead of letting your words spill uncontrolled out of your mouth without your head engaged. Kick start your heart first by feeling the love this special someone gives you. Then, to the person that has just upset you, send a stream of love from your heart to them. See if that doesn’t help to calm the situation down some.

We will never fully understand the power of love but we can sure use it to help us, our neighbors and the world.

The last thing that was mentioned in this article was that in this study, they also found out that when the new love phase turns into commitment, this response comes from a different place in your brain. Aron said that by trying something new and exciting with your longterm partner will stimulate that passion again, “a good idea whether you’re in pain or not.”

Here’s to Passionate Loving!

Passionate regards….Brenda

© 2010-2017 Passionate Results for Lovers All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

6th October

Flirting Is Healthy

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

Did you know that Flirting Is Healthy for you? I have known that for a long time but I get so uncomfortable flirting after Ole died. I mean that is almost 5 years I have held my flirtatious ways in check. I loved flirting.

I was just reading an article on MSN Dating and Personals about what flirting does for your physical health. It stated there that people who flirt have higher white blood-cell counts which gives your health and immune system a boost.

Now I know why I keep getting all these nasty bugs and flus here in Denmark. I don’t flirt with anyone! I kid you not…I have never been more sick with flus, colds, physical aches and pains in my life.

Ole and I got the occassional bug but not every little thing that came around. But we also loved to flirt with each other. I miss seeing him walking to the shower with all his glory hanging out. And he always took the opportunity to ‘wave’ at me on the way. 😉

But even more I miss the eye contact that said “I will take you later…”. That just left me totally titilated through out the day. The looks we would flash at each other at a dinner party that said “I can’t wait to get you home, clothes off and loving on.”

I miss the phone calls, both giving and receiving them, whispering naughty little things to perk up his interest. I miss hearing the longing for me in his soft voice when I pick up the phone and he would say, “I want you.”

There were many times as we worked at a job together, I would tease Ole. I miss tantilising him with what I would do to him when we got home after work. I miss seeing his eyes light up and feeling his willingness to my suggessions pressed against me. I miss him so much.

Do you flirt with your lover? Do you hold him close as you say good-bye for the day, talk softly about the luscious ways you are going to tease his body when you get home, a quick little ear nibble and send him out the door? Do you call her up and in a brief 30 second conversation you can hear her breathing change? Do you text little messages to your sweetheart counting all the places you are going to kiss him or her?

When you go for a drive out in the country just to relax and see the green grass and trees…do you snuggle up close to your man and run your finger nail up and down the closed zipper on his jeans? Just to put a little zing in your trip.

I hope so! Not just for the benefits you get physically from flirting but also the benefits your relationship gets.

Flirting with your partner keeps that spark, that light in the eyes and that light in your hearts alive. Flirting adds a little excitement to think about during the day as you each go through your daily routines and jobs. Flirting keeps your lover on your mind and you on theirs…ALL DAY LONG!

HOW COOL IS THAT?!

There are many benefits to flirting also. Flirting takes a lot of pressure off a couple in the bedroom. So many people talk about preformance anxiety and worrying how they look naked. When you put some play into your love life, you take that seriousness out.

Then when it comes time to get between the sheets, you are both so hot and bothered that nothing else matters.

Try it today. Call your lover and whisper seductively into the phone what you would like to do to them. Or if you want to really get your man going, tell them what you would like them to do to you.

When you walk past each other, seize the opportunity to touch. It could be a hand flowing down the back from the shoulders to the bumb and a little pinch. Not too hard but enough to raise eyebrows and get your lover thinking, “What was THAT?” They may even turn around and try to find out what you REALLY meant.

There are so many ways you can raise the flirting level in your relationship that will put a light-hearted playfulness into the moment, the day and into the evening.

There is one word of caution…IF you flirt with your lover all day about what will happen when they come home, you better be prepared to deliver. After all, you don’t want to be know as just a tease. This will be like throwing ice water on your love life.

Get your flirting on! Love your way to better physical health. What can be better than that?

Passionate regards….Brenda

© 2010-2017 Passionate Results for Lovers All Rights Reserved -- Copyright notice by Blog Copyright

1st October

Learned Stimulus and Pavlov’s Theory

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

I was reading a psychology book today and it was discussing Learned Stimulus and Pavlov’s Theory. It was explaining how Pavlov determined between a natural reflex and a learned reflex that happens with certain stimulus.

He found out that when a dog receives food, they begin to produce saliva and drool. This is a natural reflex to the stimulus. They are born with this reflex, it is not learned.

He then noticed that the dog would begin salivating just when the cupboard was opened where the dog’s food was stored. Then Pavlov started to ring a bell before he would feed the dog and before long when the dog heard the bell, he would begin to salivate. Both of these were Learned Stimulus.

So I got to thinking about Learned Stimulus in relation to our relationships. I began to think about how a certain stimulus would produce a learned reflex.

Ole and I liked to watch movies. When we would settle in to watch a movie we would always have a wonderful snack to share while we watched the movie. Were we actually hungry? No. But we learned that we created a certain intimacy with sharing this snack and watching the movie. Our learned reflex was one that produced a cosy and loving feeling between us.

Then I stared thinking about why do some things trigger certain responses? These triggers, if they bring on less than desirable responses, why do we hold on to them so tightly? If we have learned responses from Learned Stimulus, can we learn to have a different response if the one we have is not so desirable?

For example, I have a thing about people chewing with their mouths open. That is a learned response to a Learned Stimulus. When someone would chew with their mouth open, I could not enjoy myself and I would get angrier by the second. All I could focus on was that chomping, clicking, smacking noise. Drove me crazy! But I have learned to let that go. It doesn’t serve me in any way to hold on to that.

So what triggers you? What Learned Stimulus activates your learned reflex response?

Think about your own relationship. If you walked into the bathroom and the top was off the toothpaste and the toilet seat was up. This could trigger anger, frustration, disappointment as well as other feelings. And yet, for the next person, it might not trigger anything at all.

When your partner spends money, do you get anxious? Or when your lover looks at another woman or man, do you get jealous? Or you don’t get the attention you want from your sweetheart, do you begin to feel a little uneasy and nervous? Are these also Learned Stimulus responses because of a past occurance or patterns in our lives?

We are subjected to thousands of Learned Stimulus every day. Don’t you think that the sexy advertising for a product triggers the desire of need in yourself? Like with cigarettes or the sexy girl in the fabulous jeans. Don’t you want that feeling for yourself?

Don’t you think that when you see a commercial of people sitting in a cosy restaurant eating and ejoying themselves with happy music playing that you want to experience that also?

Don’t you think when we see how many times on TV, the movies and countless other places how easy it is to cheat on your wife or husband that there isn’t a seed of desire to try that?

A Learned Stimulus response is not always a happy or healthy thing. Smoking, drinking, over eating, cheating, gambling and the list goes on. But each and every day we are influenced from this type of Learned Stimulus.

All I am saying is that we have our natural reflexes that produce love, joy and smiles. If you look at the sunrise, if you look at a dog playing in the grass, if you look at a little child learning to walk, your natural reflex is to smile. It is the learned reflex from the Learned Stimulus that would make you frown looking at those same pictures.

We all have our own experiences in life and no two lives are the same. We all determine what is wonderful and what is awful for ourselves. You might love broccoli and your husband thinks it is a nasty food to say the least. BUT he could LEARN to change how he feels about eating it.

Determine what your Learned Stimulus is. Decide if you are producing desired reflexes from this stimulus or not. If not, then you have work to do. Make a decision to free yourself from the bondage of undersirable reflexes from Learned Stimulus. Then you can start having not only the life you want to live but the kind of relationships you want to have.

Passionate regards….Brenda

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19th September

Relationship Safety – part 2

by Brenda Poulsen | Posted in Passionate Results   No Comments »

I apologize for not writing sooner but I have really been thinking a lot about what it means to have Relationship Safety. And I am sure that is an answer that is unique to each individual.

Relationship Safety is just as I wrote last time, at least for me. Ole gave me so much support in all that I did, in all that WE did. I ALWAYS felt safe with him. I never for a minute thought he would harm me in ANY way. Or not allow me to grow as a person. He encouraged that in me and me in him.

And the person that I grew into from his support was a better version of the person I was before I knew Ole. My confidence grew. I always felt there was nothing we couldn’t do together. There was nothing we couldn’t achieve. There was no problem too big that we could not find a solution to.

Then when he died, my safety net broke. I broke…no I SHATTERED into so many small, tiny pieces. I felt that I would never be a whole person again.

The good part about this is that I am discovering Relationship Safety in myself!

I learn more about the person I have become and am still developing each and every day in all kinds of situations. I am learning that I can feel safe within myself. I can be my own supporter in all of life’s triumphs and tribulations. It is not so much that I am putting the pieces back together but that I am finding new shards of myself that I am building a whole Me with.

Then I started thinking about expanding this Relationship Safety idea out of just my relationship with Ole and myself to those people around me. People that are my close friends and in my immediate family. What Relationship Safety do I have with them?

I have friends that I KNOW would drop what they are doing and help me with whatever I need. I have some family members that will help me as much as they can. Then I have friends that will sympathize with me, but not much more than that. I have no problem with that either.

As for my family, there are some that I have no Relationship Safety at all anymore. Some days I wonder if they even consider that we are still family. But that is their problem. That again comes down to perception. Long story perhaps for another day.

Then I thought about what Relationship Safety do I offer to others? Can they count on me? Can they call me and ask for help? Do they feel that they have some Safety in our relationship?

Did Ole?

I hope Ole felt that. I cannot speak for him on this as this is a totally new thing that we never talked about. But I hope that Ole felt I was there for him in every way possible. I hope Ole knew that no matter what, I was there through thick and thin (not that either of us has ever been on the thin side ;-)). I hope Ole felt SAFE with me.

As for my family and friends, again I cannot speak for them. But if I have to be honest with myself and you as you read this, I think I can step up my game. I think I can give a little more of myself so they will feel safe, supported and that our relationship can grow stronger and that they grow as a person.

There is no greater feeling in the world than feeling love and giving love. I was so blessed to have had Ole in my life even if it was such a short time. All the things I have learned and will continue to learn because of this wonderful amazing man only builds a better version of me so that I can be better for those people in my life that I adore and love.

Relationship Safety is one of those lessons. I would have never thought about this had I not had Ole in my life. I had other relationships and not one of them challenged my thoughts, beliefs and feelings the way Ole has.

So now I am challenging you to think about the Relationship Safety you have with those around you. Do you feel safe, supported and expanded into a better version of you because you have these people in your life? Do you help others grow into a better version of them from the safety and support you give them?

This is something that could change your relationships today if you start thinking about it and how you can apply it to your own life.

May you be able to find, build and expand your own safety nets in the friends and family you hold dear in your hearts. Raise your hearts to build Relationship Safety in all your relationships.

Passionate regards….Brenda

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